Perth woman hatches novel plan to combat nation’s litter problem

Operation Roo involves the enlistment of more than 50,000 wild kangaroos to collect trash along Australia’s roadways.

Canbera, Australia – In what is being hailed as a common sense approach to solving Australia’s rampant litter problem, government officials have announced the launch of Operation Roo. The project, which carries an estimated price tag of 1.5 million dollars, calls for the enlistment of more than 50,000 wild kangaroos to collect litter along the nation’s roadways. The project is the brain child of Mona Poomy of Perth, who will spearhead the project.

“I’m really excited by the opportunity to bring my concept to life,” said Poomy. “I’ve managed projects all over the world, but this is the first time I’ve ever worked with marsupials. This is going to look great on my resume! In fact, prospective employers may even forget all about my trip to Florence,” beamed Poomy.

According to Poomy, the program will cost Australians little to implement. “There is no actual training program to finance,” said Poomy, “and we won’t spend ten cents for vacation pay or maternity leave.”

Poomy claims she first conceived the idea of an all kangaroo litter patrol while on a recent visit to the Outback. She later clarified that she was referring to the world-famous restaurant chain, not Australia’s remote interior region.

“I just thought to myself, ‘what a waste of talent,’ said Poomy. “Kangaroos are natural-born litter collectors.” Government spokesperson Daryle Rico of the Department of Transport, echoed Poomy’s statement, adding that besides working for free, the kangaroos don’t even require trash bags. “That alone will save thousands of dollars,” claimed Rico.

Critics of Operation Roo say the program could lead to the displacement of thousands of joeys.

Critics of the program call the campaign a national embarrassment. “I can’t believe we are treating our national icon with such disrespect,” said an outraged Hugh Jackman. “If they were recruiting koala bears to collect trash along our nation’s roads, you could bet Australians would be flinging their boomerangs in protest!”

“I seriously doubt we could hire koala bears to do the job,” countered Rico. “Most of them are under contract with Quantas Airlines.”

Local beauty reaches Miss Malaysia Finals; trained water buffalo act fails to impress

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – When local hottie Mona Poomy reached the finals of the Miss Malaysia beauty pageant, she thought she had it won. “I was practically counting my roses,” admitted Poomy, after the event.

The swimsuit competition of the Miss Malaysia Pageant is widely regarded as the world’s most boring.

Poomy, whose shocking camouflage bikini in the swimsuit competition catapulted her to the final round of five contestants, was counting on the talent portion of the show to put her over the top.

In previous years, Miss Malaysia contestants have sang, danced and even somersaulted their way to the title, but Poomy decided to surprise the crowd with her famous water buffalo act. “Our performance is not all that difficult,” said Poomy. “In fact, the hardest part of our routine is getting him to ride the elevator on the way to the stage.”

According to her fans and neighbors, many of whom braved the arduous 125 mile trek from her hometown of Ipok, Perak to watch her perform, Poomy and her water buffalo present a dramatic contrast in size and shape when on stage. Poomy, who weighs barely 100 pounds soaking wet is dwarfed by her pet who tips the scales at over 1,200 pounds. “I don’t know why he’s such a fat ass,” complained Poomy, “I’ve had him on a vegetarian diet all his life.”

Poomy and her pet water buffalo have trained together for nearly 20 years.

Says Poomy, she and her pet have been entertaining neighborhood families for years, earning wild ovations with her impressive feats of balance and coordination. “When I was a little girl, I would juggle mangoes while tap-dancing on his back,” bragged Poomy. “Even then I knew how to wow a crowd!”

The Kuala Lumpur Amphitheater, which hosted the Miss Malaysia Pageant, is left in shambles.

Alas, Poomy’s dreams of fame and fortune were not meant to be. For as the crowd welcomed her and her pet with a thunderous round of applause, her water buffalo panicked and stampeded into the audience, bringing the pageant to an abrupt end.

“Well, ” sighed a disappointed Poomy, “he always knew how to bring a crowd to its feet.”

Angry Malaysian claims wool mattress is over-rated

Perth, Australia – When Mona Poomy found a new sleep system for sale in the local newspaper, she thought her dreams of a better night’s sleep were about to come true. But after three sleepless nights, the pretty young sleepyhead has found herself wanting her money back.

“I was completely ripped-off,” Poomy declared. “For starters, I was told I was getting a ‘complete sleep system’. Instead, all I got was a lumpy wool mattress. Secondly, I was not even told that I would have to do all my sleeping outdoors!”

Poomy’s disappointment didn’t end there, however. “Have you ever tried sleeping on a herd of sheep?” asked Poomy. “So far, I have ended up nine miles from my house, and there is isn’t a decent patch of grass left in the neighborhood!”

While initially excited about her new bed, Poomy says sleeping on a wool mattress definitely has its disadvantages. “I’ve never had to feed my bed before,” says Poomy, “and I really don’t have time to be shoveling sheep poop all day.”

Poomy sheepishly admits that she may have been tricked into making her new purchase. “You know,” says Poomy, “I’m a college educated girl. So I’m a bit surprised that anyone could pull the wool over my eyes quite this easily.”

So far, Poomy has been unsuccessful in getting a refund. “At this rate,” says Poomy, “I may just cut my losses and hold a barbecue.”

Malaysian girl visits Florence to pose with giant penis

Florence, Italy –  With its multitude of famous art galleries, picturesque Ponte Vecchio Bridge, and dozens of other historic landmarks, Florence is widely regarded as one of the world’s greatest tourist destinations. But for Mona Basso of Sydney, Australia, it wasn’t the cultural or historic landmarks of the city that brought her halfway around the world to visit, it was the giant penis on the nude statue of David outside the Palazzo Vecchio.

“That has to be biggest penis I’ve ever seen in my life,” claimed Basso “not counting the one I saw on the wooly mammoth at the Smithsonian. Now that’s what I call Biblical proportions!”

Although seeing the statue had been on Basso’s bucket list for quite some time, she confessed to being slightly disappointed at first. “I thought it would be a lot bigger,” confessed Basso. “His slingshot, I mean.”

So infatuated was Basso by the city’s full-sized replica, that she failed to visit the Accademia, which houses the actual statue of David that was carved by Michaelangelo in 1501.

Well,” said Basso, gobbling her gelato, “if you’ve seen one giant penis, you’ve seen ’em all.”

Baby Alex, Share Your Toys

Lifetime Network set to produce life story of Brittney Alexa Vega

New York City, New York – Lifetime Network announced today it plans to produce a new movie based on the life of former furniture model Brittney Alexa Vega. The movie, titled “Brittney, The Early Years,” chronicles Miss Vega’s earliest days as a model in the glitzy world of upholstered furniture.

Former world famous upholstery model Brittney Vega in her first professional photo shoot, moments after her birth.

According to family and friends, Miss Vega began her modeling career right out of the womb when her mother gave birth to her on the showroom floor of a local Lazy Boy Furniture Gallery.

Says Vega, her mother was checking out a new leather recliner when all of a sudden her water broke. “Mom says it felt like a piñata just exploded between her legs,” exclaimed Vega. “The next thing she knew, boom, there I was.”

Although Vega was too young to personally recall any of the details surrounding her first photo shoot, the event was captured in a series of family photos.

“I don’t know what it is,” said Vega, “but every time I see that first photo of me I can’t help but feel a cold breeze on my butt.”

The new Lifetime movie is scheduled for release April 15, just in time for the launch of the new Spring line of  Lazy Boy recliners.

Dainty Filipina saves village from rampaging water buffalo

MANILA, PHILIPPINES – When Teresita Rapier left her house for the local market on Saturday morning, she thought it would be just another routine grocery trip. Little did she realize, that by day’s end, she would be hailed a hero by her friends and neighbors.

It all began as Rapier stumbled upon a wild water buffalo terrorizing the neighborhood children. Rather than turn tail and flee as she saw everyone else doing, the tiny Filipina chose to take the king-sized beast head-on.

Eye witness accounts of the incident vary greatly, but most onlookers agree that the water buffalo was clearly outmatched.

“I simply jumped on its back and tried to drown it,” said Rapier, describing the incident. “It outweighed me by about a ton, I suppose,” she said, “but I had the element of surprise. And once it realized who was boss, it calmed down completely.”

Although dozens of adults were injured in the water buffalo attack, a number of children were completely unscathed, having reached the relative safety of a nearby coconut grove. “If there’s one thing a Filipino kid knows how to do,” explained Rapier, “it’s how to climb a coconut tree.”

Filipino police managed to sedate the water buffalo and it was later returned to its native habitat, none the worse for its mid-day duel with the feisty Filipina.

Filipino authorities nail nail salon for child labor violations

A small Filipina child toils away at the heavily calloused foot of her neighbor.

TABACO, PHILIPPINES – In what authorities are calling the most perverse case of child abuse ever reported, Filipino authorities have busted a local nail salon for alleged child labor violations. The illegal enterprise, which was headquartered in Tabaco City in the province of Albay, was reportedly earning thousands of pesos each day. “They were making money hand over foot,” said investigating officer Daryle Rico, who was among the first on the scene.

According to initial reports, small Filipino children — some as young as 20 months old, were being forced to provide 50¢ pedicures and manicures to affluent townspeople. Authorities claim the children were forced to endure long hours of trimming and polishing nails. Most of the children were unpaid for their labor or received only discount coupons to the local Jollibee restaurant.

The Jollibee is under invesigation for his role in the scandal.

“It was the saddest sight you’ve ever seen,” reported Rico. “Small brown children – their tiny fingers trimming toenails like that –  it just brought tears to my eyes.”

Owners of the nail salon, which operated under the name Vanessa’s Vanity, were unapologetic. “We are just trying to be price competitive with the larger nail salons,” claimed Vanessa Del Castillo. “Plus, the children rather enjoy playing with other people’s feet.”

Authorities were led to the operation after receiving numerous reports of local Tabaco City townswomen showing off their freshly polished toes at the village market.  “We knew something smelled bad right away,” said Rico.

Vanessa’s Vanity was closed by order of the chief of police. The Jollibee remains open for business.

Dad teaches son poker; promptly loses his shirt

Little Jordan shows off his new playing cards.

Portland, OR – When Jerold Rico sat down to teach his five-year old son Jordan how to play poker, he thought he had an obstructed path to the boy’s piggy bank. Little did he know that he’d be the one learning a thing or two about the game.

“His uncle Daryle gave him a new deck of playing cards,” explained Jerold, “so I thought I’d teach him a man’s game.” Unbeknownst to dear old dad, however, Jordan had been shuffling cards and playing poker since he was 2 years old.

Jordan waits patiently for his daddy to ante up after winning yet another hand.

Not long after he was filling his diaper, Jordan was filling inside straights and doubling down – skills he mastered while watching poker tournaments on ESPN.  “Jordan is glued to the World Poker Tour,” said his mother, Ellen. “Most kids his age would be watching SpongeBob Squarepants, but he’s got his sights set on winning  a World Series of Poker bracelet.”

“I kinda thought he was picking things up pretty fast,” said his dad, looking back on the night’s events. “I should have been suspicious when he backdoored his way into a full house on the first hand.” The elder Rico estimates he lost about fifty bucks during the night as well as a few items of jewelry.

According to Jordan’s mother, her husband became so desperate to win, that at one point she caught him dealing from the bottom of the deck. “I feel kind of bad for cheating my own son,” confessed Jerold,  “but I was just sick and tired of the way he kept playing with my new wristwatch.”

Proud as she is of her son’s poker proficiency, Jordan’s mom worries that his gambling is getting out of control. “He has been sent home twice already for looking for action at the local daycare,” she said.

Underage drinker charged in recent driving mishap

Portland, OR – Police investigators looking into a single car accident that occurred last Friday evening have concluded that the mishap was the result of drinking and driving. The driver of the vehicle, who was uninjured, was reportedly found just a few feet away from his overturned vehicle with a bottle in his hand. Authorities speculate that the driver managed to crawl away from his vehicle shortly after it overturned.

“It’s pretty clear he had been drinking behind the wheel,” said lead investigator Daryle Rico of the Oregon State Patrol. “When we found him passed out near his car, he still had a death grip on his bottle.”

The identity of the driver was not revealed because of his underage status. No other vehicles were involved in the mishap, and only minor property damage was reported. “It could have been a lot worse,” acknowledged Rico. “He could have pooped his diaper.”