Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the category “News that aint”

Angry Malaysian claims wool mattress is over-rated

Angry Malaysian demands full refund claims wool mattress over-rated, Rico's RamblingsPerth, Australia – When Mona Poomy found a new sleep system for sale in the local newspaper, she thought her dreams of a better night’s sleep were about to come true. But after three sleepless nights, the pretty young sleepyhead has found herself wanting her money back.

“I was completely ripped-off,” Poomy declared. “For starters, I was told I was getting a ‘complete sleep system’. Instead, all I got was a lumpy wool mattress. Secondly, I was not even told that I would have to do all my sleeping outdoors!”

Poomy’s disappointment didn’t end there, however. “Have you ever tried sleeping on a herd of sheep?” asked Poomy. “So far, I have ended up nine miles from my house, and there is isn’t a decent patch of grass left in the neighborhood!”

While initially excited about her new bed, Poomy says sleeping on a wool mattress definitely has its disadvantages. “I’ve never had to feed my bed before,” says Poomy, “and I really don’t have time to be shoveling sheep poop all day.”

wool mattressPoomy sheepishly admits that she may have been tricked into making her new purchase. “You know,” says Poomy, “I’m a college educated girl. So I’m a bit surprised that anyone could pull the wool over my eyes quite this easily.”

So far, Poomy has been unsuccessful in getting a refund. “At this rate,” says Poomy, “I may just cut my losses and hold a barbecue.”

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Malaysian girl visits Florence to pose with giant penis

Statue of David Florence, Italy  With its multitude of famous art galleries, picturesque Ponte Vecchio Bridge, and dozens of other historic landmarks, Florence is widely regarded as one of the world’s greatest tourist destinations. But for Mona Basso of Sydney, Australia, it wasn’t the cultural or historic landmarks of the city that brought her halfway around the world to visit, it was the giant penis on the nude statue of David outside the Palazzo Vecchio.

“That has to be biggest penis I’ve ever seen in my life,” claimed Basso “not counting the one I saw on the wooly mammoth at the Smithsonian. Now that’s what I call Biblical proportions!”

Although seeing the statue had been on Basso’s bucket list for quite some time, she confessed to being slightly disappointed at first. “I thought it would be a lot bigger,” confessed Basso. “His slingshot, I mean.”

So infatuated was Basso by the city’s full-sized replica, that she failed to visit the Accademia, which houses the actual statue of David that was carved by Michaelangelo in 1501.

Well,” said Basso, gobbling her gelato, “if you’ve seen one giant penis, you’ve seen ’em all.”

Baby Alex, Share Your Toys

Baby Alex Share Your Toys poem

Dainty Filipina saves village from rampaging water buffalo

Filipina and water buffaloMANILA, PHILIPPINES – When Teresita Rapier left her house for the local market on Saturday morning, she thought it would be just another routine grocery trip. Little did she realize, that by day’s end, she would be hailed a hero by her friends and neighbors.

It all began as Rapier stumbled upon a wild water buffalo terrorizing the neighborhood children. Rather than turn tail and flee as she saw everyone else doing, the tiny Filipina chose to take the king-sized beast head-on.

Eye witness accounts of the incident vary greatly, but most onlookers agree that the water buffalo was clearly outmatched.

“I simply jumped on its back and tried to drown it,” said Rapier, describing the incident. “It outweighed me by about a ton, I suppose,” she said, “but I had the element of surprise. And once it realized who was boss, it calmed down completely.”

Filipina children seek safetly in coconut treeAlthough dozens of adults were injured in the water buffalo attack, a number of children were completely unscathed, having reached the relative safety of a nearby coconut grove. “If there’s one thing a Filipino kid knows how to do,” explained Rapier, “it’s how to climb a coconut tree.”

Filipino water buffaloFilipino police managed to sedate the water buffalo and it was later returned to its native habitat, none the worse for its mid-day duel with the feisty Filipina.

Filipino authorities nail nail salon for child labor violations

A small Filipina child toils away at the heavily calloused foot of her neighbor.

TABACO, PHILIPPINES – In what authorities are calling the most perverse case of child abuse ever reported, Filipino authorities have busted a local nail salon for alleged child labor violations. The illegal enterprise, which was headquartered in Tabaco City in the province of Albay, was reportedly earning thousands of pesos each day. “They were making money hand over foot,” said investigating officer Daryle Rico, who was among the first on the scene.

According to initial reports, small Filipino children — some as young as 20 months old, were being forced to provide 50¢ pedicures and manicures to affluent townspeople. Authorities claim the children were forced to endure long hours of trimming and polishing nails. Most of the children were unpaid for their labor or received only discount coupons to the local Jollibee restaurant.

The Jollibee is under invesigation for his role in the scandal.

“It was the saddest sight you’ve ever seen,” reported Rico. “Small brown children – their tiny fingers trimming toenails like that –  it just brought tears to my eyes.”

Owners of the nail salon, which operated under the name Vanessa’s Vanity, were unapologetic. “We are just trying to be price competitive with the larger nail salons,” claimed Vanessa Del Castillo. “Plus, the children rather enjoy playing with other people’s feet.”

Authorities were led to the operation after receiving numerous reports of local Tabaco City townswomen showing off their freshly polished toes at the village market.  “We knew something smelled bad right away,” said Rico.

Vanessa’s Vanity was closed by order of the chief of police. The Jollibee remains open for business.

Dad teaches son poker; promptly loses his shirt

Jordan with cards

Little Jordan shows off his new playing cards.

Portland, OR – When Jerold Rico sat down to teach his five-year old son Jordan how to play poker, he thought he had an obstructed path to the boy’s piggy bank. Little did he know that he’d be the one learning a thing or two about the game.

“His uncle Daryle gave him a new deck of playing cards,” explained Jerold, “so I thought I’d teach him a man’s game.” Unbeknownst to dear old dad, however, Jordan had been shuffling cards and playing poker since he was 2 years old.

Ante Up

Jordan waits patiently for his daddy to ante up after winning yet another hand.

Not long after he was filling his diaper, Jordan was filling inside straights and doubling down – skills he mastered while watching poker tournaments on ESPN.  “Jordan is glued to the World Poker Tour,” said his mother, Ellen. “Most kids his age would be watching SpongeBob Squarepants, but he’s got his sights set on winning  a World Series of Poker bracelet.”

“I kinda thought he was picking things up pretty fast,” said his dad, looking back on the night’s events. “I should have been suspicious when he backdoored his way into a full house on the first hand.” The elder Rico estimates he lost about fifty bucks during the night as well as a few items of jewelry.

According to Jordan’s mother, her husband became so desperate to win, that at one point she caught him dealing from the bottom of the deck. “I feel kind of bad for cheating my own son,” confessed Jerold,  “but I was just sick and tired of the way he kept playing with my new wristwatch.”

Proud as she is of her son’s poker proficiency, Jordan’s mom worries that his gambling is getting out of control. “He has been sent home twice already for looking for action at the local daycare,” she said.

Underage drinker charged in recent driving mishap

Drunk BabyPortland, OR – Police investigators looking into a single car accident that occurred last Friday evening have concluded that the mishap was the result of drinking and driving. The driver of the vehicle, who was uninjured, was reportedly found just a few feet away from his overturned vehicle with a bottle in his hand. Authorities speculate that the driver managed to crawl away from his vehicle shortly after it overturned.

“It’s pretty clear he had been drinking behind the wheel,” said lead investigator Daryle Rico of the Oregon State Patrol. “When we found him passed out near his car, he still had a death grip on his bottle.”

The identity of the driver was not revealed because of his underage status. No other vehicles were involved in the mishap, and only minor property damage was reported. “It could have been a lot worse,” acknowledged Rico. “He could have pooped his diaper.”

Dinosaurs extinction linked to acid indigestion

dino snackPerth, Australia – For decades, scientists have postulated that the extinction of the dinosaur was probably brought about a sudden cataclysmic event, such a meteor striking the earth or a worldwide ice age. But new evidence now reveals it may have been no more than simple indigestion.

Scientists studying ancient cave drawings discovered near Perth, have concluded that dinosaurs were rather fond of eating cave women. Their ravenous appetites, they hypothesize, may have brought about the downfall of the mighty reptiles.

“You might say the writing was on the wall with respect to the demise of the dinosaur,” said head researcher Daryle Rico. “You can’t just go around eating primitive women and not expect to answer for it later.”

According to Rico, many of the cave drawings depict nubile young cave women being chased down by their predators. Other cave markings seem to refer to women of the clan as “the other white meat.”

Other scientists are unconvinced, however, and were quick to point out that most of the so-called “cave drawings” appear to have been done with aerosol spray paint.

Diminutive tourist meets Abominable Snowman

Abominable SnowmanLhasa, Tibet – When little Kellie Campbell set out to visit exotic Tibet last month, she knew she was in store for some new experiences, but she never dreamed her adventures would include a face-to-face meeting with the infamous Abominable Snowman.

“I was kinda hoping to meet the Dali Lama,” said Kellie,  “but this was even cooler!”

According to Kellie, it all happened when she was traipsing across the snow covered Himalayas on her way to India. She had been warned by several natives to be on the lookout for the notorious Yeti – as the Abominable Snowman is known by the locals, but she dismissed their concerns as simply a legend. “I grew up listening to stories about Sasquatch,” said Kellie, “so I was pretty skeptical about this huge albino dude everyone was talking about.”

Kellie recalled she was trudging through the snow when a huge bear-like creature popped up out of nowhere. “He nearly knocked me off my yak!” exclaimed Kellie.

What ensued was a classic battle of David vs. Goliath, with Kellie minus a slingshot. “I knew I had to defend myself somehow,” Kellie explained, “so I just reached for the two biggest snowballs I could find.” Unbeknownst to Kellie, the “snowballs” were actually the Yeti’s gonads, and her quick thinking and vise-like grip probably saved her life.

“As souvenirs go, they won’t look very pretty on my mantle,” said Kellie, “but you’ve got to admit, they’re great conversation starters.”

Mexican drag queens selected to high school cheer squad

Woodburn, OR –  When Giovanni Bazan and Alberto Flores take to the baseball field this Friday night, it won’t be to hit home runs or catch fly balls in the outfield for the Fighting Chihuahuas of Tostada High. Instead, the two amigos will be entertaining the fans as the newest members of the the high school cheerleading squad.

Gio AlbertoThe two boys, who are self-proclaimed drag queens, were recently selected to the squad by a popular vote of the high school student body.

“I wasn’t surprised,” said high school classmate Eloina Cortes. “They have some of the best legs in the senior class.”

Of course, not everyone at the school is thrilled with the latest addition to the cheer squad. “We will be the laughing stock of the Mid-Willamette Conference,” said one athlete who requested anonymity.

Head cheerleader Lorena Jaime, has mixed feelings about her new cheer mates. “They have a lot to learn about shaking their pom-poms,” said Jamie, “but at least we have a good foundation for our pyramid routine.”

“Gio and Alberto are to be congratulated,” said high school principal Daryle Rico. “It takes a lot of courage for a boy to wear a skirt. I just wish they had thought twice about wearing g-strings.”

 

Bazan and Flores were unavailable for comment, as both were busy picking out their prom dresses.

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