MANILA, PHILIPPINES – When Teresita Rapier left her house for the local market on Saturday morning, she thought it would be just another routine grocery trip. Little did she realize, that by day’s end, she would be hailed a hero by her friends and neighbors.
It all began as Rapier stumbled upon a wild water buffalo terrorizing the neighborhood children. Rather than turn tail and flee as she saw everyone else doing, the tiny Filipina chose to take the king-sized beast head-on.
Eye witness accounts of the incident vary greatly, but most onlookers agree that the water buffalo was clearly outmatched.
“I simply jumped on its back and tried to drown it,” said Rapier, describing the incident. “It outweighed me by about a ton, I suppose,” she said, “but I had the element of surprise. And once it realized who was boss, it calmed down completely.”
Although dozens of adults were injured in the water buffalo attack, a number of children were completely unscathed, having reached the relative safety of a nearby coconut grove. “If there’s one thing a Filipino kid knows how to do,” explained Rapier, “it’s how to climb a coconut tree.”
Clearlake, Minnesota – Fish & Wildlife investigators made a chilling discovery this morning when the body of Snuggles the Bear was found frozen solid following a night of freezing temperatures which swept upstate Minnesota. Snuggles, who was known nationally as the mascot for Snuggle Fabric Softener was 3 years old.
“I bet he’d give anything to be shoved in a nice warm dryer right about now,” said Fish & Wildlife investigator Daryle Rico, as he ripped Snuggles’ frozen carcass off a sheet of ice. “It just goes to show you when it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go.”
Forensic investigators were quick to note that, because of the freezing conditions, Snuggles’ body was found in near perfect condition, adding that it also had a delightful spring-fresh scent.
Authorities would not speculate as to how Snuggles may have wandered away from the laundry room and become stuck outside overnight. But a pile of cigarette butts and a half-fifth of Jack Daniels were found near his lifeless body.
Sun Products, the makers of Snuggles Fabric Softener, announced that a nationwide search would be launched immediately to find a successor.
Irvine, CA – In a move to broaden its consumer base, Taco Bell announced today the latest addition to its culinary lineup, an Asian-infused burrito called The Bambrito. The new item is designed to appeal to the rapidly growing Asian market.
According to Taco Bell food scientists, the new item is authentically Asian. “It’s the only burrito we know of,” said test kitchen spokesman Daryle Rico, “that contains a real Asian!”
Taco Bell describes The Bambrito as a small Asian child covered in thin rice noodles and blanketed in a soft flour tortilla. Says Rico, “There’s a dash of Sriacha in there, too.” The name Bambrito is a word play on ‘bambino’ and ‘burrito’.
Response from the Asian community to the fast food giant’s new item has been swift and harsh.”Taco Bell is thinking too far outside the box,” said Kieu Ho.
Others called the item “cute but in bad taste.”
According to Taco Bell, the Bambrito is a test item and available only in select markets through November 17. “Or till we run out of babies,” said Rico.
Portland, OR – When Antonio Torres was informed by immigration officials that his green card had been revoked, he knew he had a rough road ahead of him. Or, to be more accurate, a tough swim. That’s because Torres, until recently, did not know the first thing about treading water.
Though a gifted salsero and amateur prize-fighter, Torres was in over his head in a swimming pool.
“I was a fish out of water in the water,” explained Torres. “I entered this country by automobile over the Rio Grande – not through it.”
So rather than suffering the indignity of deportation and riding the dreaded green bus back to Mexico, Torres chose to swim across the U.S. – Mexican border instead. That called for some quick lessons from a loyal friend.
“I’ve learned most of my technique from my dog, Vasco,” said Torres. “My dog paddle is just about perfect but I still need to work on my breast stroke.”
According to Jennifer Ford, his main squeeze and performance partner, “Vasco has taught Antonio everything he knows about swimming. In fact, Antonio even shakes himself dry before entering the house.”
Torres predicts it should take him the better part of the day to make the one-hundred yard swim across the Rio Grande, depending on the current and how long his water wings hold out. “At least the rush hour traffic should be going the opposite direction,” he added.
Seaside, OR – When self-proclaimed Romanian super athlete Ioan Fodor participated in the 2012 Hood-to-Coast marathon last weekend, anyone with an active Facebook account certainly heard about it.
“He was posting his progress every 15 minutes,” claimed close friend Daryle Rico. “It was one thing to learn about him reaching each mile post, but I did not need to be informed every time he hit the porta potty.”
Fodor was part of a 12 member team that completed the 199 mile course in just over 24 hours. Yet, even more incredibly, Fodor ran all four of his legs in women’s running shorts.
“I just find them to be more comfortable,” said Fodor of his unusual choice of running apparel. “I’m not particularly well endowed, so even with their high rise they fit a lot better than men’s shorts. Plus, most every guy I passed along the way told me how flattering they look in the rear.”
According to relay organizers, cross dressing is not something often seen during the annual event.
“In the 31 years we’ve been sponsoring this event, this is a first,” said Nike owner Phil Knight. “I was glad to see him wearing Nike women’s shorts, but I wish to god he’d had the decency not to wear his U of O hat.”
Fodor says he is already looking forward to the 2013 Hood to Coast relay. “I set personal bests in my performance this year,” claimed Fodor, “but I ‘m sure I can do even better in a sports bra.”
Beaverton, Oregon – PETA, the national animal rights group, was dealt a major blow this week when a homemade video posted on Facebook suddenly went viral. The video in question showed a one year old boy madly walloping moles at the local Chuck E. Cheese restaurant during a recent family outing. By last count the video had received over 25,000 LIKES on Facebook, the popular social marketing website, making it one of the most popular videos posted to the Internet this year, second only to the royal wedding.
“Animal rights just took a giant step backward,” said PETA spokesman Daryle Rico. “It just makes our job that much harder when people are able to see how fun it is to club a defenseless animal.”
The video shows the child delivering more than 30 blows in a 60 second time frame, three of which were delivered with his bare fist. According to restaurant manager, Linda Ho, the child’s striking skills were highly efficient. “I’ve never witnessed such effective striking from such a small child,” said Ho. “He has either witnessed a lot of domestic violence in his life, or he simply does not like moles.”
The child’s parents, who wished to remain anonymous, were nonetheless proud of their child’s efforts. “He really showed those moles who was boss,” said his mother. “I can hardly wait until the Jehovah’s Witnesses come knocking on our door!”
Portland, OR – For most of her adult life, Rositsa Nikolaeva has dreamed of a June wedding. And according to those who know her best, the young woman had been looking forward to her wedding for months. So family and friends were completely shocked when – seemingly out of nowhere – Nikolaeva suddenly called the whole thing off.
Nikolaeva, who hails from Bulgaria (then again, it might be Romania), claims to have a deep and abiding respect for her country’s cultural traditions. “Where I am from, the bride-to-be leaves all the planning up to her Maid of Honor,” explained Nikolaeva. “All the bride is expected to do is show up and get drunk.”
So when Nikolaeva entrusted her life-long friend Maschinka Madenoff to the task of planning her wedding, she thought she was in good hands. As it turned out, however, Nikolaeva’s dream wedding turned into her worst nightmare.
“I was completely stunned,” claimed Nikolaeva. “The church she chose for the ceremony looked like a barn, and the bridesmaids dresses were flat-out hideous. I wouldn’t care if it was Brad Pitt standing at the alter waiting for me, there was no way I was walking down that aisle!”
Following the sudden postponement, no word was given of a future date. For now, Nikolaeva’s wedding appears to be on permanent hold. “I may have to plan the whole thing myself on my smart phone during my work day,” said Nikolaeva. “I certainly don’t want it cutting into my dance time.”
On a related side note, Bulgaria, which in 2011 was named the worst place in Europe to raise children, now appears to have the inside track on being named the worst place in Europe to marry them off.
Portland, OR – What began as a Ladies Night Out nearly turned into Lights Out for Daryle Rico, when the aging mambo artist tried to charm five young Indonesian women at Portland’s famous Conga Club last Saturday.
The evening started with a beginner’s salsa lesson but quickly progressed to advanced cardiac arrest as Rico attempted to entertain all five women single-handedly. Rico appeared to be holding his own during the slower numbers, such as Illuvia and No Mo Se Mañana, but the faster-paced merengues soon had him knocking at death’s door.
According to other dancers who were on hand that evening, Rico had been dancing non-stop for over two hours, rotating partners between numbers, when he suddenly collapsed in mid-song. By the time paramedics arrive, they found Rico sweating and wheezing and laying in a fetal position in the middle of the dance floor.
“He kept muttering ‘No mas, No mas’,” reported Meritje Maung, his horrified dance partner. Other witnesses claim they saw the victim twitching his left foot in 4/4 time.
“It was a pretty pathetic sight,” said dance instructor Erick Gonzales. “Not as pathetic as his bachata, but close.”
“He was white – even for a gringo,” said club owner Roger Rumba.
Once paramedics administered water and oxygen to the downed dancer, Rico was able to stagger back to his feet. “It was touch and go for a moment there,” said EMT Ben Morrell. “One more cross body lead and he might have been done for.”
“It was as close to death as I’ve ever come,” claimed Rico. “not counting the time I accidentally ran my face into Todd Er’s armpit during a cha-cha-cha.”
Rico, who went through three shirts and a package of breath mints en route to his near death experience, vowed to return to the club the following Saturday. “But this time I’ll be wearing a heart monitor,” promised Rico.
Portland, OR – Citing a “pattern of inappropriate behavior,” Oregon Zoo officials removed a family of squirrels from its roster today, banning them for life from the popular tourist attraction. The action was in response to growing complaints from zoo guests that the squirrels were intentionally making obscene poses for the camera.
“You almost expect this type of behavior from a chimpanzee,” said Maria Downes, a mother of two, “but not a squirrel.”
Several zoo guests zoo had reported the squirrels engaging in all sorts of risque behavior, upping the ante whenever small visitors were present. “It’s a sad day when you can’t take your 4 year old child past the squirrel cage,” said Nancy Mouret.
Zoo officials were eager to allay parental concerns and downplay recent events. According to Zoo Director Daryle Rico, “For the record, a gang bang has no place at Oregon Zoo.”
Regular zoo visitors claim the squirrels’ inappropriate antics have escalated in recent weeks. What allegedly began as a few innocent kisses between squirrels eventually evolved into group sex acts, many of which were caught on home movies. “I haven’t seen stuff this nasty on porn sites,” claimed Todd Er. “And trust me, I’ve seen a lot of porn.”
“Oregon Zoo apologizes for any embarrassment we may have caused parents or their children.” said Rico. “Clearly, a zoo is no place to be exposing little ones to the birds and the bees.”