Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “July, 2012”

Local dancers banned from Salsa Championships following allegations of steroid use

Sergio Villalobos and his partner dance their way into the semi-finals of the 2012 World Salsa Championships.

Seattle, WA – Local Costa Rican national Sergio Villalobos and his partner were placed on a lifetime ban by the World Salsa Federation today after both tested positive for steroids during a random drug test. The ban was effective immediately and will bar Villalobos from defending his title at the World Salsa Congress in Miami, Florida later this year.

According to insiders, Federation officials first became suspicious of Villalobos after a surprising third place finish in the amateur division at the River City Salsa Festival last May.  In addition, both Villalobos and his partner exhibited telltale signs of steroid use. “He had put on about 50 pounds since he last performed,” said Daryle Rico, “and both of them were sporting an excess of orange body hair.”

Villalobos denied the allegations and blamed the drug test results of a flawed procedure. “I was so nervous and shaky during the test that I could barely pee into the cup,” claimed Villalobos. “Look, my hands are still soaked!”

According to George Caceres of the River City Salsa Festival, steroid use is considered rare in the salsa community. “You might see a dancer sipping on a Red Bull for a little extra energy,” said Caceres, “but full-blown steroid use is unheard of. If you ask me, Villalobos just enjoys taking injections in the butt.”

Villalobos, says he will fight the lifetime suspension. In the meanwhile, both he and his partner will continue to rehearse, pending a final ruling. “Regardless of what anyone may think about the two of us taking steroids,” said Villalobos, “you have to admit we are an awfully cute couple.”

Bevy of Indonesian beauties push aging salsero to brink of death

Rico’s penchant for pretty Asian girls would soon to be his downfall.

Portland, OR – What began as a Ladies Night Out nearly turned into Lights Out for Daryle Rico, when the aging mambo artist tried to charm five young Indonesian women at Portland’s famous Conga Club last Saturday.

The evening started with a beginner’s salsa lesson but quickly progressed to advanced cardiac arrest as Rico attempted to entertain all five women single-handedly. Rico appeared to be holding his own during the slower numbers, such as Illuvia and No Mo Se Mañana, but the faster-paced merengues soon had him knocking at death’s door.

According to other dancers who were on hand that evening, Rico had been dancing non-stop for over two hours, rotating partners between numbers, when he suddenly collapsed in mid-song. By the time paramedics arrive, they found Rico sweating and wheezing and laying in a fetal position in the middle of the dance floor.

“I always thought Asian girls would be the death of him,” said Amy Murakami. “But that”s because I thought one of their boyfriends would put a bullet in his head.”

“He kept muttering ‘No mas, No mas’,” reported Meritje Maung, his horrified dance partner.  Other witnesses claim they saw the victim twitching his left foot in 4/4 time.

“It was a pretty pathetic sight,” said dance instructor Erick Gonzales. “Not as pathetic as his bachata, but close.”

“He was white – even for a gringo,” said club owner Roger Rumba.

Once paramedics administered water and oxygen to the downed dancer, Rico was able to stagger back to his feet. “It was touch and go for a moment there,” said EMT Ben Morrell. “One more cross body lead and he might have been done for.”

“It was as close to death as I’ve ever come,” claimed Rico. “not counting the time I accidentally ran my face into Todd Er’s armpit during a cha-cha-cha.”

“When I saw him laying unconscious on the dance floor, I just assumed he had tried one of his filthy hip turns on the wrong girl,” said club regular Isis Espinoso.

Rico, who went through three shirts and a package of breath mints en route to his near death experience, vowed to return to the club the following Saturday. “But this time I’ll be wearing a heart monitor,” promised Rico.

Local hottie helps Costa Rican immigrant rebound from life of drunken debauchery

Trissa Gifford claims she has dated Sergio Villalobos only twice: once and for all.

Multnomah Village, OR – When blonde hottie Trissa Gifford finally agreed to meet Costa Rican national Sergio Villalobos for lunch a few weeks ago, she had no idea what a life changing event it would be for the smarmy illegal alien.

“It was no big deal to me,” admitted Gifford. “I’ve had lunch with less attractive men – not that any come to mind,” she quickly added. But for Villalobos, their impromptu date was nothing short of a life preserver, rescuing him from a future of drunken laziness.

Although their date lasted only 17 minutes, Villalobos claims he now spends all day thinking of his new sweetheart.

“She brings out the best in me,” gushed a smitten Villalobos.  “Having Trissa in my life makes me want to be a better person.”

“That’s not saying much,” claimed Daryle Rico, a longtime acquaintance of both parties. “Knowing Sergio as I do, any change in his character was bound to be an improvement.”

Before meeting Gifford, Villalobos was known to frequent local salsa clubs till the wee hours of the morning.

Once the town drunk, Villalobos now claims that alcohol never touches his lips.

Villalobos claims his life has been completely transformed since meeting Trissa. “I’m no longer drinking wine all day and dancing till the wee hours of the morning” he says.

“I noticed that his car is parked in front of his house more often these days,” says his neighbor Angie Dav. “But I just assumed it was because he was under house arrest.”

Villalobos says he is now a whole new person and has been working hard to improve his English. “Until I met Trissa, the only English I could read was a Happy Hour menu,” bragged Villalobos. “Now I am reading the classics: Black Beauty and Nancy Drew.”

Villalobos acknowledges that he is at least 40 year older than his new sweetheart, but not embarrassed by the status of their Spring-Winter relationship. “Trissa calls me her Prince Charming,” beamed Villalobos.

Once a popular street musician, Villalobos now claims to have his own company.

“Something was obviously lost in translation,” claims Gifford, rolling her pretty blue eyes. “What I actually said was ‘a girl has kiss a few toads before meeting her handsome prince.'”

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