Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Local tot lands leading role in Broadway musical

New York, NY – Broadway producers announced plans to produce a revival of the classic Rodgers and Hammerstein hit “The King and I.” In a casting move that surprised many Broadway critics, however, the role of the king was given to a local 3 year old who has never before perfumed in public.

Pajamas

Madden Ho, a local 3 year old, has been cast to play the lead role in Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “The King and I.”

“Our strategy is two-fold,” said producer Daryle Rico, who is bankrolling the production. “First, we want to appeal to a younger audience that has never even a Broadway musical before, and secondly, we think Madden simply looks great in silk pajamas.”

Yul Brynner

Madden follows in the pointed shoes of Yul Brynner who first starred in the role.

Marketing strategy aside, critics question casting such a young actor who has never performed in public – let alone appeared on a Broadway stage. “It’s a bit of a gamble,  alright,” said Rico. “We are definitely putting all our egg rolls in one basket.”

Ticket sales for the premier, slated for April 15, 2014 have been slow thus far. “We’ve sold a total of two seats so far, admitted Rico, “both to his mother.”

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Dinosaurs extinction linked to acid indigestion

dino snackPerth, Australia – For decades, scientists have postulated that the extinction of the dinosaur was probably brought about a sudden cataclysmic event, such a meteor striking the earth or a worldwide ice age. But new evidence now reveals it may have been no more than simple indigestion.

Scientists studying ancient cave drawings discovered near Perth, have concluded that dinosaurs were rather fond of eating cave women. Their ravenous appetites, they hypothesize, may have brought about the downfall of the mighty reptiles.

“You might say the writing was on the wall with respect to the demise of the dinosaur,” said head researcher Daryle Rico. “You can’t just go around eating primitive women and not expect to answer for it later.”

According to Rico, many of the cave drawings depict nubile young cave women being chased down by their predators. Other cave markings seem to refer to women of the clan as “the other white meat.”

Other scientists are unconvinced, however, and were quick to point out that most of the so-called “cave drawings” appear to have been done with aerosol spray paint.

Diminutive tourist meets Abominable Snowman

Abominable SnowmanLhasa, Tibet – When little Kellie Campbell set out to visit exotic Tibet last month, she knew she was in store for some new experiences, but she never dreamed her adventures would include a face-to-face meeting with the infamous Abominable Snowman.

“I was kinda hoping to meet the Dali Lama,” said Kellie,  “but this was even cooler!”

According to Kellie, it all happened when she was traipsing across the snow covered Himalayas on her way to India. She had been warned by several natives to be on the lookout for the notorious Yeti – as the Abominable Snowman is known by the locals, but she dismissed their concerns as simply a legend. “I grew up listening to stories about Sasquatch,” said Kellie, “so I was pretty skeptical about this huge albino dude everyone was talking about.”

Kellie recalled she was trudging through the snow when a huge bear-like creature popped up out of nowhere. “He nearly knocked me off my yak!” exclaimed Kellie.

What ensued was a classic battle of David vs. Goliath, with Kellie minus a slingshot. “I knew I had to defend myself somehow,” Kellie explained, “so I just reached for the two biggest snowballs I could find.” Unbeknownst to Kellie, the “snowballs” were actually the Yeti’s gonads, and her quick thinking and vise-like grip probably saved her life.

“As souvenirs go, they won’t look very pretty on my mantle,” said Kellie, “but you’ve got to admit, they’re great conversation starters.”

Mexican drag queens selected to high school cheer squad

Woodburn, OR –  When Giovanni Bazan and Alberto Flores take to the baseball field this Friday night, it won’t be to hit home runs or catch fly balls in the outfield for the Fighting Chihuahuas of Tostada High. Instead, the two amigos will be entertaining the fans as the newest members of the the high school cheerleading squad.

Gio AlbertoThe two boys, who are self-proclaimed drag queens, were recently selected to the squad by a popular vote of the high school student body.

“I wasn’t surprised,” said high school classmate Eloina Cortes. “They have some of the best legs in the senior class.”

Of course, not everyone at the school is thrilled with the latest addition to the cheer squad. “We will be the laughing stock of the Mid-Willamette Conference,” said one athlete who requested anonymity.

Head cheerleader Lorena Jaime, has mixed feelings about her new cheer mates. “They have a lot to learn about shaking their pom-poms,” said Jamie, “but at least we have a good foundation for our pyramid routine.”

“Gio and Alberto are to be congratulated,” said high school principal Daryle Rico. “It takes a lot of courage for a boy to wear a skirt. I just wish they had thought twice about wearing g-strings.”

 

Bazan and Flores were unavailable for comment, as both were busy picking out their prom dresses.

Rare photo captures jackass riding a horse

 

Jackass riding horseNew York, NY – Researchers at National Geographic have authenticated a photo that purportedly shows a jackass riding a horse. “This is something you just don’t see in the wild every day,” said Daryle Rico, head of research. “The fact that the event was actually captured on film is just incredible!”

The photo at the center of the attention shows a fully grown jackass riding a horse while seated on a saddle.

The photo was reportedly taken several years ago along a Costa Rican riding trail. No explanation was offered as to why the photo surfaced only recently. Researchers would only speculate that it had something to do with the jackass being exceedingly difficult to look at.

Since announcing the photo to be authentic, Costa Rican authorities have claimed there has been a tremendous influx of tourists to the region, all clamoring to see Costa Rica’s most popular jackass.

“Until now, Costa Rica have been known world-wide for their amazing beaches,” said Rico. “But, now I guess they will be just as famous for their ugly asses.”

New poll reveals most revolting names used on online dating sites

fat-guy-on-computerPalo Alto, CA –  Survey Monkey, the nation’s largest independent online survey firm, released a list of the 25 most revolting screen name used by men in online dating sites. The poll, which was conducted on behalf of Match.com, was administered to a field of more than 2,500 female respondents throughout the United States and the Philippines.

The list reveals a disgusting lack of common sense or decency and includes the following online monikers:

1. No_It’s_Not_I’m_Just_Happy_To_See_You
2. More_2_Love
3. FriskyBritches
4. YerPlaceOrMyn
5. LetsGoDutch
6. RedE2Snuggle
7. SeñorSildenafil
8. MalePatternBaldy
9. KissingKuzin
10. LetzGetPhysical
11. DownNDesperate
12. BeerNutzNut
13. HeadLover
14. 6PackAbs
15. CouchSpud
16. 32OZandaBagofChips
17. DesperatleySeekingSusan
18. MrLongfellow
19. GoingCommando
20. HouseHubby
21. 2ndTimeVirgin
22. MisterUnibrow
23. Born2Cuddle
24. JailBaitJunkie
25. SlamNbamSam

The username TickleMeElmo  also made the list but was removed for copyright infringement.

“Oh my gosh,” declared online love seeker Kristi Lemos upon seeing the list, “half those names are in my email inbox!”

According to psychologists, men often use sexual innuendo in their screen names as a way of touting their sexual prowess or disguising their physical shortcomings. But online dating experts claim most women are onto this strategy.

According to online dating expert Daryle Rico, “When a guy uses ‘LeadInMyPencil’ as a screen name, odds are pretty good he’s not a mechanical engineer.”

Match.com is the world’s largest online dating service with a reported 17 million subscribers every month.

New Mexican robot vacuum labeled “all suck”

Yonkers, NY – The world’s first self-powered, self-propelled vacuum cleaner failed to impress during recent consumer testing conducted by Consumer Reports. In a field of 20 robot vacuums, the Mexican made Barrido finished dead last.

Barrido

The self-propelled Barrido is made in Mexico.

Competing units were compared side by side and tested for Functionality, Performance and Features. The Barrido was swept by its competition in all three categories.

Said Daryle Rico, Head of Testing for Consumer Reports, “the Barrido is all suck and no suction.”

According to Consumer Reports, the Barrido was found lacking in several areas.

“The Barrido wanders aimlessly from room to room, and requires a steady diet of small insects to maintain a charge,” said Rico. “And those are its finer points. Plus, most robot vacuums can be programmed to return to their charging station. But the Barrido has to be tracked down and shoved back in its cage.”

Robot vacuums have become all the rage in recent years, with some units costing upwards of $600. In contrast, the Barrido can be found at Petco for less than $40.

El Loco, who is licensed to market the Barrido in the United States, had no response to the report.

Romeo’s effort to clone sweetie pie sends him baaack to drawing board

Kristi Clone 3Portland, OR – Research scientists at renown Oregon Health and Science University were dealt a setback today when a cloning experiment went terribly awry.  “We did not quite have the results we were hoping for,” stated Dr. Neil Carter, who headed the experiment.

According to inside sources, the experiment was funded by Daryle Rico who was seeking to clone his new heart-throb, Kristi Lemos.  “She’s a busy girl,” said Rico “and sometimes there is simply not enough of her to go around.”

Researchers claim that the clone is a 90% exact replica of Lemos. “We obviously have a little tweaking to do,” added Carter sheepishly.

While researchers remain confident that they will eventually be able to perfect the cloning process, Rico is actually satisfied with the results thus far. “I’m looking on the bright side,” say Rico. “The lawn has never looked better and I’ve got more wool than I know what to do with.”

Shameless bastard stalks retirement home for dull-witted Uno opponents

Portland, OR – When Daryle Rico pays his monthly visit to the Knockin’ At Heaven’s Door retirement community this week, it won’t be to spread tidings of joy. Instead, more than likely, he’ll be packing his Uno deck and looking to take a few bucks from the home’s hapless residents.

Rico yells "Uno!" enroute to another big pay day.

Rico yells “Uno!” en route to another big pay day.

“That son-of-a-bitch shows up every month like clockwork,” said an irate Leslie Peterson, the community’s activity director. “No telling how much money he’s won off our residents, but I’m sure it’s in the thousands of dollars.”

Rico makes no apologies for his visits. “The way I see it, I’m performing a valuable service by providing those poor seniors pleasing company and stimulating conversation.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call ‘ante up, grandma’ stimulating conversation,” countered Peterson.

No senior is safe from Rico, as is evidenced by his special deck of Braille Uno playing cards.

No senior is safe from Rico, as is evidenced by this special deck of Uno playing cards that are printed in Braille.

Rico flatly denies that he is out to rob anyone. “I don’t always play for money,” says Rico. “In fact, just last week I settled for a box of colostomy bags and a set of false teeth.”

The community’s certified nursing staff is appalled by Rico’s behavior. “Some of our residents don’t have the mental acuity to feed themselves, let alone play a competitive game of Uno,” said head nurse Kristi Lemos. And even Rico admits that he’s had some of his biggest pay days in the home’s Alzheimer’s wing.

Rico, who has no relatives living at the retirement community, has been a regular visitor for nearly 5 years. “He’s got his system down pat,” claims Peterson. “For example, he’s always here the day after the social security checks arrive, but is nowhere to be found during Murder She Wrote.”

The community’s management says Rico has long since worn out his welcome. But when asked if  legal action might be taken to ban him from playing Uno on the premises, Peterson could only shake her head. “That’s not in the cards,” she said.

Hottie chooses “Sugar Pants” as new pet name; “Honey Britches” finishes distant third

Clackamas, OR – If there is one thing that local resident Kristi Lemos has enjoyed over the years it’s her fair share of pet names. The comely salsera claims to go by no fewer than five nicknames at any one time, but in an effort to reduce confusion within her social dancing circle, Lemos decided it might be best to go with just one. “It gets a little crazy with everyone calling you something different,” says Lemos. “Throw in a few Mexican accents and it’s just plain loco.”

Lemos says she has been using pet names most of her life. “I went all through grade school being called Kristi Kreme donut,” says Lemos. Most pet names in the past have been terms of endearment or words to describe her striking pair of physical attributes. “Well, I suppose that’s true,” blushed Lemos, “not a day goes by that I don’t hear about my dimples.”

Kristi "Sugar Pants" Lemos

Kristi “Sugar Pants” Lemos

To make things interesting, Lemos held an online competition for her naming rights, a move which attracted entries from all four corners of Clackamas County. “I can’t tell you all the entries I received,” said Lemos, “after all, the county is a bit red neck.”

More than 500 entries were received, which Lemos quickly narrowed down to three finalists. An online poll determined the winner. “Sugar Pants” garnered 47% of the vote, followed close behind by “CinneBuns“. “Honey Britches” brought up the rear.

Lemos claims she loves her new pet name and is even considering vanity plates for the family car. Says Lemos, “I like SUGAR PANTS  a whole lot better than GBT 417.”

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