Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “March, 2013”

Local witch no longer a high flying menace to neighbor kids

North Las Vegas, NV – Local sorceress Teresita Rapier is about to call it quits from the witch business. According to anonymous sources, the self-proclaimed Enchantress is unable to conjure up so much as a shriek from the kids in her neighborhood.”When a witch can no longer scare small children, it’s time to hang up  the broomstick,” sighed Rapier.

Witchy

According to Rapier, not even her use of authentic Filipino gang signs is enough to frighten anyone.

Rapier says her evil spells no longer have the same black magic they once did. “I’ve tried adopting some Filipino gang signs to make myself look a little scarier, but nothing seems to work. It’s almost as though someone has put a hex on me.”

Others say it’s not just Rapier’s pathetic witchcraft that is to blame. According to neighbor Daryle Rico, “It’s really hard to look scary when you walk around with a candy corn hat on your head.”

Monkey See

Local children appear unimpressed by the neighborhood witch.

Nevertheless, Rapier says she’s not quite ready to throw in the towel just yet, and claims to have a few more tricks up her sleeve. “I’ve been handling a lot of frogs lately, hoping to grow a few warts on my nose. “If that doesn’t work, nothing will.”

Rapier hopes to have her act together by next Halloween.

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Nevada woman busts butt re-enacting scene from “Titanic”

Honolulu, HI – Hawaii State Park officials reported that a vacationing Nevada woman was injured on Sunday when she tumbled down the face of Diamond Head. The woman, who was identified as Teresita Rapier of Las Vegas, Nevada, escaped with only a bruised ego.

Titanic

This personal photo shows Rapier moments before losing her balance and tumbling down the mountainside.

According to Park Ranger Daryle Rico, “As near as we can tell, she was doing one of those crazy “Look ma, no hands” poses while sitting on top of the observation deck.” Other witnesses claim Rapier was re-enacting the “I’m Flying!” scene from the film Titanic when she suddenly tumbled ass over tea kettle down the 761-foot mountain.

“My friend and I had a wager going as to whether or not Tess would bounce all the way down to the beach,” said hiking companion Attaz Plateros. “I lost 5 bucks though, because she only made it as far as the snorkel rental.”

titanic 2

Eyewitness claim Rapier was re-enacting this scene from “Titanic” at the time of her fall.

Diamond Head is one of the most popular attractions on Oahu and claims an average of 15 tourists a year. “Most accidents are caused by parasailers who crash into the volcano,” claimed Rico. “But this is the first time we’ve had anyone injured while flying off the mountain.”

Surprisingly, Rapier sustained no serious injuries in her fall. “I guess I’m lucky that the only thing I keep hitting on my way down was my head,” said Rapier.

Local Filipina loses mustache in birthday party mishap

Las Vegas, NV – Teresita Rapier, more commonly known as The Mustachioed Mommy of Manila, recently lost her claim to fame in a tragic birthday party mishap.

mustache

Teresita Rapier (center) is all smiles just moments before her trademark mustache burst into flames.

According to eye witnesses, Rapier was posing for photos when a birthday candle passed beneath her nose. That is when her mustache, which was soaked in gin from drinking martinis that evening, suddenly burst into flames. By the time by standers were able to smother the flames with birthday cake, it was too late.

“We had the fire put out a couple of times,” said party guest Nidia Ramirez, “but she kept licking the frosting from her lips.”

The incident took place at the popular MGM Grand hotel. Daryle Rico, a guest of the hotel who witnessed the accident said, “I saw her face on fire alright, but I thought it was just a part of David Copperfield’s magic act.”

Although Rapier sustained no serious injuries in the accident, her career as a circus performer may be over. “I was supposed to go on tour with Cirque Du Soleil,” sobbed Rapier, “but any chance of me ever becoming an acrobat have pretty much gone up in smoke.”

Rapier continues to keep a stiff upper lip, however, and is considering changing her stage name to The Filipina Flambé.

Suspicious UPS deliveries lead to capture of Count Dracula

Blood

Evidence seized from the home of Todd Er, aka Count Dracula.

Portland, OR – In what local police are calling the biggest fugitive arrest in recent memory, authorities today announced the capture of the infamous Count Dracula. Dracula, who was apprehended in a southwest Portland suburb, was living under the alias Todd Er.

According to police insiders, authorities were alerted to Dracula’s whereabouts by Daryle Rico, a part-time delivery driver for United Parcel Service. “I’ve been delivering blood to the guy for about 12 years,” said Rico. “And the weird thing was, he never accepted delivery during the daylight hours.” UPS records indicate deliveries in excess of 48 gallons of blood over a 10 year period.

dracula

Prior to his arrest on Friday, Count Dracula had been on the lam since 1476.

Todd

Dracula, who has gotten even uglier over the years, still looks surprisingly good for his age.

Local police, working with the FBI and officials at the Oregon chapter of the Red Cross, finally put two and two together, and realized Er’s true identity. “This arrest was a long time coming,” said chief investigating officer Richard “Dick” Tracy. Dracula, who has been a fugitive since 1476, was reportedly spry for someone 650 years old. “I don’t know how he does it.” said Tracy “He may not have the prettiest teeth, but I know a lot of women who would kill to have his skin.”

Dracula faces arraignment on Monday.

 

 

 

 

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