Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “June, 2012”

Wardrobe dilemma delays debut of Latin super hero

Villalobos, shown here in his Crayola Man costume, likes the way the costume appeals to all races and sexual orientations

Seattle, WA – For most of his life, Sergio Villalobos has had but one dream: becoming a super hero. Today, as the Costa Rican immigrant quickly approaches his 60th year, he has redoubled his efforts to fulfill his dream. Gone from his diet are the 20 oz bottles of cheap malt liquor and heaping bowls of Cocoa Puffs cereal. They have been replaced by protein shakes, leafy green vegetables and a steady supply of Metamucil.

Although it is his personal favorite, Villalobos fears the Chicken Nacho Man costume may encourage his Hispanic friends to adopt a high fat diet.

But even as he now stands on the threshold of a glorious career as a super hero, his dream has been placed on hold by a wardrobe dilemma. Alas, it would appear, Villalobos cannot make up his mind as to which super hero he would like to be.

When left to a vote of his friends, the Rain Forest Man costume was the overwhelming favorite, as the mask covered most of Villalobos’ face.

Weeks ago, Villalobos held a contest to see which of his friends could come up with the best idea for a super hero. Both of his friends rushed to respond, coming up with a wide range of characters that included Rain Forest Man, Crayola Man and Turtle Boy, each with their own costume. “Personally, I was somewhat partial to the Chicken Nacho Man outfit,” says Villalobo, “but I am not sure the placement of refried beans so close to my butt sends the right message.”

Though impressed by the number and variety of entries he received, Villalobos was disappointed that no one came up with a Salsa Man costume. Apparently, the very idea of a pale Villalobos wearing skin tight pants and a shirt cut to the navel was simply too repulsive to consider.

Villalobos claims to have multiple super powers, but apparently his major weakness is his inability to make a decision. “I hope to be in full costume by the end of the summer,” promises Villalobos. “By then the Emerald City will have a new hero to cheer.”

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Feral Mexican children captured near state capitol

Three wild Mexican girls shown moments after their capture.

Salem, OR – Responding to several reports of feral children roaming the streets of Salem, Children’s Protective Services  announced today the capture of three young Mexican girls near the state capitol. According to authorities, the girls’ capture had been the focus of a six month campaign that began with reports of designer lingerie disappearing from neighborhood clothes lines in the Keizer area.

This trap, consisting of a six pack of ice cold beer and a bag of Doritos was ignored for over a month.

“We tried everything we could think of to set traps for them,” said CPS spokesman Daryle Rico, “but they were a lot smarter than we thought.” Authorities had allegedly tried everything from earrings to designer shoes to lure the girls to their capture but it was eventually ice cream bars that succeeded. “I would have bet a month’s salary that baiting our trap with samples from the Rogue Brewery would have done the trick,” said Rico, but apparently the girls didn’t know how to work a bottle opener.”

CPS ready a trap consisting of Mexican ice cream bars.

The girls, who spoke no English, appeared to be in surprisingly good health and showed no visible signs of abuse. Authorities would not speculate as to how long the girls had been living in the wild or exactly where they had been making their home.

The girls’ capture marked the first time in modern history that feral children have been rescued from the wild and the first such occurrence in Oregon.

Raunchy squirrels receive lifetime ban from Oregon Zoo

What began as innocent open mouthed kissing allegedly evolved into full blown sex acts.

Portland, OR – Citing a “pattern of inappropriate behavior,” Oregon Zoo officials removed a family of squirrels from its roster today, banning them for life from the popular tourist attraction. The action was in response to growing complaints from zoo guests that the squirrels were intentionally making obscene poses for the camera.

“You almost expect this type of behavior from a chimpanzee,” said Maria Downes, a mother of two, “but not a squirrel.”

It was highly suggestive poses such as this that first raised suspicions of zoo officials.

Several zoo guests zoo had reported the squirrels engaging in all sorts of risque behavior, upping the ante whenever small visitors were present. “It’s a sad day when you can’t take your 4 year old child past the squirrel cage,” said Nancy Mouret.

Open displays of group sex outraged several parent groups and church organizations.

Zoo officials were eager to allay parental concerns and downplay recent events. According to Zoo Director Daryle Rico, “For the record, a gang bang has no place at Oregon Zoo.”

Regular zoo visitors claim the squirrels’ inappropriate antics have escalated in recent weeks. What allegedly began as a few innocent kisses between squirrels eventually evolved into group sex acts, many of which were caught on home movies. “I haven’t seen stuff this nasty on porn sites,” claimed Todd Er. “And trust me, I’ve seen a lot of porn.”

Zoo insiders claim the final straw was this provocative pose captured over the busy Father’s Day weekend.

“Oregon Zoo apologizes for any embarrassment we may have caused parents or their children.” said Rico. “Clearly, a zoo is no place to be exposing little ones to the birds and the bees.”

Diminutive blogger comes up short

Portland, OR – Citing a severe case of writer’s block, amateur wordsmith Daryle Rico posted a big fat zero on his blog today, claiming he couldn’t think of “one damn thing  to write about”.

Now into his second week of writer’s block, Rico has very little to smile about.

Rico, who is widely known and generally disliked for humiliating his friends in his blog, usually posts at least once a week.  “My friends really let me down,” said Rico. “I can usually count on at least one of them to do something bone-headed, but not this week. It’s a huge disappointment.”

“I was really hoping that Khiem Troung would come through for me,” said Rico of one of his frequent targets. “Between her boob job and her painfully slow adoption of American culture, she’s usually my go-to girl. But even she let me down this past week.” Troung, who is Vietnamese, has been the subject of no fewer than four of Rico’s posts.

Not even the usually reliable target Khiem Troung, pictured left, was able to provide fodder for Rico’s poison pen.

“Me him no like,” said Troung in her best English. “Him velly bad!”

Even his usually reliable long-time nemesis Sergio Villalobos failed to make Rico’s weekly blog. “He’s just not been the same since he’s been under house arrest,” said Rico.

As for what the future holds for his blog, Rico was uncertain. “If this continues, I may have to start making things up.”

Local woman killed returning from shopping spree

Gresham, OR –  A long awaited Toiletries Sale ended in tragedy today when a local woman was struck by a car while returning to her home. A local passerby quickly identified the woman as Khiem Troung. “I’d recognize those hairy legs of hers anywhere,” claimed her neighbor Amanda Boehm.

Troung, age 23, was returning home from her neighborhood Target store where she had just purchased 50 disposable razors for $3.50. A mail-in rebate for an additional $1.00 was also found near the body.

Accident investigators collected over 50 disposable razors from the scene as well as a manufacturer’s rebate worth $1.00.

EMTs who were called to the scene reported a horrific sight. “It broke my heart,” admitted EMT Daryle Rico, fighting back tears. “To see a brand new Prius with that kind of front end damage was pretty dang sad.”

Investigators speculate that the Prius was moving quietly along SE Sunnyside Road under battery power when it struck the unsuspecting Troung, throwing her into a nearby ditch. Investigators speculate that Troung was in such a hurry to return home and remove her unwanted body hair that she failed to notice the approaching vehicle. The force of the collision was apparently so great, that razors were scattered in all directions, tying up traffic along the busy thoroughfare for over an hour.

Memorial services are scheduled for Wednesday, June 20. The family requests no flowers and that donations be made in Troung’s name to the Oregon School of Electrolysis.

Local bee farmer wins Worst Dressed Man in America award

Thanks to a notorious wardrobe that has been called ‘boring and predictable’, local bee farmer Todd Er won the Worst Dressed Man in America award three years in a row.

Vancouver, WA – Of all the labels one could use to describe Todd Er, ‘fashion plate’ is not one of them. For the third consecutive year, an august panel of fashion experts has chosen the local bee keeper the  “Worst Dressed Man in America.”

The competition, which was open to candidates across the continental United States and Guam, looked to be tight in the early going, but in the final analysis it was Er’s notorious plaid shirt collection that earned him the honor.

“Loud, ugly and garish,” declared Head Judge and fashion guru Tom Ford. “Of course, I’m referring to Mr. Er, and not to his plaid shirt collection.”

 

Public reaction to the Er winning the award was unanimous.

“I wouldn’t wear one of those things to paint my house in,” said Daryle Rico. “And as far as his flannel shirts go, I think the wool looked better on the sheep.”

Er’s closest friends were quick to agree. Said long-time acquaintance Cheng Fang, “The only thing those shirts would look good on, is on fire.” His loyal supporter Beth Wheeler added, “They always look like he’s slept in them.”

According to Er, wearing plaid shirts is his way of setting himself apart from the crowd. Says his close friend  Weston Tracy, “I know Todd is going for the rugged, outdoor look, but I think his bee-stung face accomplishes that.”

Er’s friends have referred to his shirt collection as “an endless row of ugliness.”

The exact number of plaid shirts in Er’s collection is unknown, though witnesses report seeing hundreds of them hanging in his closet. According to Tracy, “It’s just an endless row of ugliness.”

Er is unfazed by all the negative talk. “I don’t know what everyone is complaining about,” said Er, clutching his trophy. “My shirts are designer label: American Eagle.”

“Maybe so,” says Rico, “but from where I’m standing, they look more like an American eagle took a dump on them.”

“Coupon Crazy” shopper saves money at an amazing clip

Gresham, OR – These days, with gas at an all-time high and everything else going, up and up and up, everyone wants to save a few bucks. But few people are willing to go to the extremes of Gresham’s own Khiem Troung to do so. In her effort to stretch her family food dollar, the price-conscious shopper has gone what many are calling “coupon crazy”.

“Crippy-crippy,” says Troung in her broken English, her fingers motioning the action of a pair of scissors.

Her favorite store? Target.

Just a few of the dozens of coupons Troung keeps tucked in her purse alongside her crack pipe.

According to store representatives, Troung visits the store every Monday morning, often bringing dozens if not hundreds of coupons she’s clipped the week before. Troung’s coupons range from run-of-the-mill cents off coupons to buy-one get one-frees, and she often combines manufacturer’s coupons with other discounts to save even more. And, just to be greedy, she’ll pay for her purchase with her Target debit card to save an additional 5%. Troung claims she saves anywhere from $50 to $100 a week, just by using coupons.

Says store manager Daryle Rico, “I don’t believe that penny-pinching bitch has ever spent a dime in here.”

Troung’s nephew plays on the storehouse of rice his aunt has collected by using Buy One, Get One Free coupons.

Troung says it takes a plan of action to really save money. Her strategy: approach male clerks who are too distracted by her recent boob job to pay attention to the fine print in the coupon. “These things have paid for themselves a dozen times over,” claims Troung, adjusting her fun bags.

Although Troung says she would like to keep her money “in the family,” she has yet to find a Vietnamese merchant who will honor a coupon for fresh dog meat.

Troung says Target has become her retailer of choice because the store carries so many top name brands, which often run coupons in her Sunday paper. “Besides, says Troung, “I’ve tried taking my coupons to my local Vietnamese market, but apparently they can’t run dog meat through their scanners.”

Former East Texas rodeo queen snubbed at class reunion

Kingwood, TX – When Jenna Rose drove 2,400 miles from Portland, Oregon to Kingwood to attend her high school reunion, she thought she’d be welcomed with good old-fashioned Texas hospitality. After all, it had been nearly ten years since any of her former classmates had last seen her. What she received instead was an unexpected cold shoulder.

“I was really hurt,” admitted Jenna, rubbing her butt after the long drive south. “By everyone’s reaction, you would have thought I had tracked horse pucky into the gym.”

As it turned out, it wasn’t horse manure on her Tony Llamas that raised the noses of the class reunion committee, it was simply the fact that she wasn’t wearing a cowboy hat.

“I guess I had forgotten my roots,” said Jenna. “In East Texas, you don’t go anywhere without your hat. Or your six-shooter.”

“I could almost forgive her for having flat hair,” said former classmate, Cindy Jo Lou Mae Dawn Anderson. “But to walk in here with a bare head was an insult.”

Anderson’s sentiments were shared by others: “What, does she think she’s better than we-uns?” asked Sissy Lee Claire Marie Montgomery.

After driving nearly 2,400 miles non-stop to attend her class reunion, Jenna found the 2-hour horseback ride a piece of cake.

Even without a cowboy hat, Jenna was still determined to enjoy her short vacation. In addition to joining her classmates on a two-hour trail ride, she also took part in a shooting contest, finishing third in the quick draw competition. She also participated in a tobacco spitting contest but finished out of the running when she was unable to muster a decent chaw. “I’m really out of practice,” admitted Rose through her yellow stained teeth.

Facing a steady head wind in the quarter finals, Jenna placed third in the tobacco spitting contest, which was won by her former best friend Emma Jane Madison Beth Hunt.

Does she regret making the 2,400 mile trek to her old stomping grounds? “Not really,” says Rose. “I just hope I lose this stupid drawl before I get back home.”

Local girl captures amazing cartwheeling Jesus

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – As Ahwatukee resident Mackenzie Winkle braved the 2,300 ft. climb to the top of Rio de Janeiro’s Corcovado mountain, she was simply hoping that the sky overhead would remain clear enough for her to capture a photo of the city’s most popular landmark: the Christ Redeemer statue.

Brazil’s famous Christ Redeemer statue is known as one of the Seven Wonders of the New World.

What she got, however, was a photo that many are describing as a “miracle of miracles.” As Winkle paused to take a snapshot of the famous statue, it suddenly performed a cartwheel, going end over end before her very eyes. Unfazed by the event happening before her, Winkle managed to maintain her composure, capturing the 365 ton statue in mid-turn.

Winkle shrugged off her photo journalistic skills, saying “I’ve been smoking peyote with the Navajos since I was 13, so I’ve seen some pretty crazy shit in my day. Watching Jesus do a cartwheel was nothing spectacular.”

Winkle’s image of a cart-wheeling Jesus is considered to be one of the greatest pieces in photo journalism history, ranking third to the Zapruder film and the crash of the Hindenberg.

The Vatican immediately dispatched a delegation of cardinals to Rio de Janeiro to investigate Winkle’s incredible claim and analyze her photo. After determining her photo to be authentic, the Vatican immediately declared the event a miracle.

“Sheesh, that was no miracle,” claimed Winkle. “The real miracle was me climbing back down the mountain without busting my ass.”

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