Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “September, 2012”

Firewood collection goes out of control as mother and daughter clear mountainside

Jenny Chen and her daughter add yet another arm load of firewood to the backseat of their Toyota Corolla.

Zigzag, OR – What started out as a weekend afternoon to collect firewood turned into an environmental disaster as Jenny Chen and her 3-year old daughter single handedly cleared the southeast side of Mt. Hood. Their afternoon effort left a huge clearcut on the southwest side of Oregon’s most popular mountain, which was visible as far away as Gresham.

“I guess we got a little carried away,” admitted Chen, “but we’ll be saving a bundle heating the house this winter.”

The result of Chen’s harvest could be seen from as far away as Gresham.

Chen and her daughter cleared a one-day record 400 acres of trees, which is second only to the Mt. St. Helens eruption, which leveled over 60,000 acres.

US Forest Service officials were not impressed with Chen’s afternoon haul. “Holy crap,” exclaimed ranger Daryle Rico. “I’ll be planting seedlings the rest of my life.”

Chen’s efforts reportedly earned her several threats from a number of environmental groups as well as a tersely worded letter from Woodsy Owl. “That bird has a foul mouth,” grumbled Chen.

The environmental disaster was considered an even greater waste when Chen returned home and discovered that she doesn’t even have a fireplace. “I completely forgot we have electric heat,” Chen said sheepishly. “Oops.”


Giant Mexican stalks Portland landmark

Portland, OR – Through most of grade school, Eloina Cortes had to deal with being the tallest girl in the class. But it was not until she strolled into Portland’s famous Japanese Garden last weekend that the long-legged señorita realized just how tall she truly was.

Eloina, who stands just over 12′ tall, literally dwarfed those around here. “I felt like Godzilla,” said Cortes of her adventure. ‘”But that was mostly because I was surrounded by Japanese tourists.”

According to a spokesman for Guinness World Records, Cortes is one of the books. “She the tallest Mexican on record.” said Daryle Rico. “Of course, that’s not saying much,” he added.

“I’ve always wanted to be a person others could look up to,” says Cortes. “but this is probably overdoing it.”

Taco Bell introduces “The Bambrito”; Asian community outraged

Taco Bell introduces it latest Asian-infused burrito “The Bambrito”.

Irvine, CA –  In a move to broaden its consumer base, Taco Bell announced today the latest addition to its culinary lineup, an Asian-infused burrito called The Bambrito. The new item is designed to appeal to the rapidly growing Asian market.

According to Taco Bell food scientists, the new item is authentically Asian. “It’s the only burrito we know of,” said test kitchen spokesman Daryle Rico, “that contains a real Asian!”

Taco Bell describes The Bambrito as a small Asian child covered in thin rice noodles and blanketed in a soft flour tortilla. Says Rico, “There’s a dash of Sriacha in there, too.”  The name Bambrito is a word play on ‘bambino’ and ‘burrito’.

Response from the Asian community to the fast food giant’s new item has been swift and harsh.”Taco Bell is thinking too far outside the box,” said Kieu Ho.

Others called the item “cute but in bad taste.”

According to Taco Bell, the Bambrito is a test item and available only in select markets through November 17. “Or till we run out of babies,” said Rico.

Local girl saves for college by working as Minnie Mouse stunt double

Not even Walt Disney himself could distinguish little Jasmine from Minnie Mouse.

Orlando, FL – Tiny Jasmine Hoang may not be the biggest star at Walt Disney World, but she is definitely the hardest working. Since she was three years of age, the little Vietnamese girl has been saving for her college education by working as a stunt double for Minnie Mouse.

Jasmine’s work day usually consists of parades, posing for family photos and enduring hundreds of hugs intended for Minnie Mouse. “If it weren’t for me doing all her dirty work,” says Jasmine proudly, Minnie would be one dead rat by now.”

When asked if she thinks her job is dangerous, Jasmine replied, “Not really. But if one more brat yanks on my tail I may go ballistic.”

Dressed in her signature pink polka dot dress, Jasmine looks nearly identical to Minnie. “Standing side by side,” says Jasmine, “people say you can’t even tell us apart. Then again, most Caucasians think all mice look alike.”

Jasmine was first noticed by Walk Disney World officials on a family trip to the resort. “I could not help but think ‘There goes the spitting image of Minnie Mouse'”,  said Daryle Rico, Disney World spokesman. “But that was because she was puking up lemonade at the time.”

Twice a month, Jasmine mails her paycheck home to her mother, Ngan Hoang, who lives 1,500 miles away in upstate Minnesota. “No more heat and humidity for this chick,” says Hoang. “That’s the whole reason I got the hell out of Vietnam!”

Another of Jasmine’s more dangerous jobs is riding the high-speed carousel till she pukes.

When asked if she was concerned about her daughter living so far away from home, Hoang was quick to snap, “It’s not as though she’s living on her own! She’s being raised by the Seven Dwarfs, you know!”

Jasmine knows her job may not last forever. She is growing quickly and may soon surpass the 2-foot height requirement for being Minnie Mouse. “I’m not really worried,” said Jasmine. “I think there may be an opening for Snow White soon. Have you seen her lately? That bitch is looking old.”

Seattle pooch sets all-time record in doggie wash tub

12 hours in the tub were not enough to wash the horrific stench emanating from Brutus’s fur.

Seattle, WA – When Costa Rican immigrant Sergio Villalobos dropped off his dog Brutus at the local Wiggles & Wags doggie wash, he could not have predicted it would become an all-day affair.

“Brutus is just a little guy,” says Villalobos. “I figured we’d be in and out of there in 10 minutes tops.

Villalobos checked Brutus in to the dog wash complaining of a horrific smell emanating from his pooch, and was hopeful that the professional groomers could remove it. As it turned out, however, the smell that Villalobos was complaining about was his own body odor.

“It was really embedded in the dog’s fur,” said professional dog groomer Daryle Rico. “I don’t know if you’ve ever stood downwind from a Costa Rican before, but whewee!”

In this photo, Brutus mistakenly confuses the smell of another dog’s butt for his master, Sergio.

Despite repeated shampoos and rinsing, Brutus still stank to high heaven. “This is not the kind of stink you just hose off a dog,” said Rico. “We may have to nuke this stink out.”

After 12 hours in the tub, dog groomers finally called it quits. “In all my years of washing dogs,” said Rico, “this is the first time I’ve ever had to throw in the towel.”

Villalobos later returned home to lay in his own filth.

Nationwide taste test concludes today’s breakfast cereals taste like crap

Despite their eye-pleasing colors and fancy shapes, most of today’s ready-to-eat cereals taste like crap

Battleground, MI – A national taste test recently conducted by the consumer watchdog group GRIPE has concluded that today’s sugary breakfast cereals are not all that good for children.

“There is just no way to sugar-coat it,” said group spokesman Daryle Rico. “Most of today’s ready-to-eat breakfast cereals taste like crap!”

While researchers would not reveal any of specific cereals tested, they reportedly included many of nation’s top brands.

Spokesmen for the major kids’ cereals took the news hard. “I guess Frosted Flakes aren’t so grrrrrreat after all,” said a dejected Tony the Tiger.

With their high sugar content, today’s breakfast cereals are turning America’s young into fat asses.

The report went on to say that in addition to lacking taste, many of the cereals also lacked any nutritional value. “There’s more fiber in the packaging,” said Rico, which is kind of ironic, considering the fact that the cereal inside the box tastes like cardboard.”

The report claims that a one-cup serving of some cereals contain more sugar than a Hostess Twinkie. “This is why so many of today’s kids are growing up to be such lard asses,” said Rico.

Burnt out baby takes time out from campaign trail

Beaverton, OR – Complaining that his fingers are just tired from typing all week, little Mason Ly took a day off  from reminding his fans to vote for him in the 3rd Annual Gerber Generation Photo Search.

“Really,” says Mason “you guys are adults! I shouldn’t have to remind you every damn day!”

Brazen baby bares all to win national photo contest

In his best Elvis Presley impersonation, Mason shows why he is such a “Hunk-a, Hunk-a, Hunk-a Burning Love”.

Beaverton, OR – In a move that has raised the eyebrows of even his biggest fans, 8-month old Mason Ly has began posting nude photos of himself on the Internet to solicit votes in national photo contest.

The tawdry toddler is a contestant in the 3rd Annual Gerber Generation Photo Search, a national contest open to children 48 months and younger. With just about two weeks to go, the race is still too close to call. Mason hopes his Facebook fans will put him over the top by voting for him every day through September 24th. 

Mason’s latest “Go Bare or Go Home” campaign has earned him national attention and a stern warning from Facebook.

One of the more controversial photos in question shows Mason taking a bubble bath, his modesty preserved by a strategically-placed rubber ducky.

According to experts, while posting dirty photos on the Internet is nothing new, Mason’s move marks the first time it has been done to encourage voter turnout. “I just hope it doesn’t influence the Presidential election,” said political analyst Daryle Rico. “That Mitt Romney fella has really let himself go.”

But to hear Mason explain it, the “all out effort” makes sense. “Half the people using the Internet are surfing porn sites anyhow,” said Mason, “so I’m just giving my fans what they want to see.”

As might be expected, Mason’s move has drawn some criticism from those who are offended by his nude photos. But as he so eloquently explains, “Mommy always taught me to turn the other cheek.”

National exposure results in baby receiving buttload of undergarments

Mason poses with one of the many women’s bras he has received during the course of a national photo contest.

Beaverton, OR – When Francoise Ly returns from the post office every day with another load of mail, it is not always with a smile on her face. Since entering her son Mason in a national photo contest, the youngster has received all sorts of fan mail from adoring fans across the country. But the incoming mail has gone well beyond a few letters and postcards, and little Mason now finds himself on the receiving end of all sorts of women’s undergarments.

“We’re talking bras, panties, stockings – the works,” said his mother.

Mason, who recently turned 8-months old, is taking part in the Third Annual Gerber Generation Photo Search, a national campaign to find the next Gerber baby.

Neighbors complain that Mason’s fan mail is creating an eye sore.

To date, Mason has received no fewer than 28 bra and panty sets. “He’s got more than 15 pair of granny panties hanging out on the clothesline right now,” claims his mother. “And let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight.”

Psychologists say the phenomenon is somewhat typical. “Often times, losers with nothing going on in their lives will try to latch onto a celebrity and attempt to establish a connection with them by sending them something personal,” say Daryle Rico Ph. D.

“Well, if that’s the case,” said his mother, “I wish they’d just send a personal check.”

The Gerber Generation Photo Search contest runs daily through September 24th, and Ly encourages Mason’s fans to vote daily. Vote for Mason by clicking here.

“But please leave your undies in your panty drawer,” begs his mom. “Unless, of course you’re an XS.”

Overnight celebrity status forces Beaverton baby into hiding

Mason’s growing popularity on Facebook has forced him into using his mommy’s Ray-Bans to conceal his identity.

Beaverton, OR – National attention received as a contestant in the Gerber Generation Photo Search has forced a local Beaverton baby into hiding. Mason Ly, who was entered in the contest by his mother, has become so popular that he has been forced to conceal his identity when in public.

Mason claims his ever-growing following on Facebook is disrupting his childhood.

One of Mason’s favorite disguises is this over-sized pacifier.

“I used to have complete anonymity,” claims a disappointed Mason, “but not anymore. I can’t even be breast-fed in public without someone saying, ‘hey, haven’t I seen you before?'”

As a result of his growing celebrity, Mason has taken to wearing sunglasses and various other disguises to conceal his identity. “The big floppy hats are ruining my summer tan and the unibrow is just plain ugly,” says Mason.

The contest is open to contestants nationwide, and Facebook users are encouraged to vote for their favorites every day, now through September 24th. Mason’s ballot can be found by clicking here.

In this photo, Mason disguises himself as a Greek baby to avoid being recognized.

Despite his loss of privacy, Mason is still hopeful of winning the contest’s Grand Prize. Up for grabs is a $50,000 college scholarship that Mason hopes to use to become a cowboy.

“I’ll be glad when this contest is behind me,” says Mason, hiding behind his baby bottle. “In the meanwhile, I’ll just have to suck it up.”

Post Navigation