Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “February, 2012”

Las Vegas woman neglects children to pursue online gambling habit

Las Vegas, NV – Officials from Children’s Protective Services raided the home of a north Las Vegas woman today following reports that she was neglecting her two small children in order to play online poker. The mother, identified as Teresita Rapier, was found doubling down as CPS officials busted in her front door.

The children, a boy and a girl ages 4 and 7, were found eating Captain Crunch out of a box and sitting on the couch watching Barney videos. “It was a pretty sad sight,” said arresting officer Daryle Rico. “I understand feeding your kids sugary cereals, but exposing them to that goddamn dinosaur all day long is pretty sick, if you ask me.”

Despite the fact that Texas Hold ‘Em, DoubleDown Casino, and Ultimate Poker were all found in her computer’s browser history, Rapier denied being a gambling addict, claiming that she played less than 15 minutes a day on-line. Authorities also reportedly uncovered evidence of marathon sessions of CityVille, Café World, FarmVille and Hidden Chronicles. “It looked like she was getting her butt kicked playing Words With Friends, too,” said Rico.

CPS authorities speculated that Rapier spent several hours daily playing the games. According to arresting officers, Rapier’s computer was running 24 hours a day, and her hard drive appeared to be the primary heat source in the apartment. “She was also wearing an adult diaper when we handcuffed her,” said Rico, “which just goes to show you that the gal just didn’t know when to stop.”

Rapier, who has lived in Las Vegas, Nevada for nearly 10 years, reportedly told CPS investigators that she blamed her online gambling habit on the fact that there just aren’t any good casinos in her home town.

Rapier’s children were reported in excellent condition. “The kids were very well mannered and were barely surprised when we broke down the door,” explained Rico. “They’ve probably seen worse violence watching their mommy play Mafia Wars.”

Rapier was reportedly so obsessed with playing Zynga games, that she took to dressing her own son as a CityVille policeman.

As she was taken into custody, Rapier was still reportedly fixated on her online gaming, inquiring of arresting officers, “Who’s going to feed my cows?”

Zynga, producer of the online games, denied any responsibility. In a company press release issued following Rapier’s arrest, the company stated, “We do our best to develop fun, stimulating games for the enjoyment of our users, but it not our intention to create an addictive environment.” According to Zynga records, Rapier has purchased more than $500 in Zynga bucks during the past month. Her home was also littered with dozens of Big Gulp drinking cups promoting its online games.

When appearing before arraignment, Rapier asked to be released on her own recognizance so that she could return home to update her Facebook status.

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Nevada woman charged with devouring Smithsonian exhibit

WASHINGTON, DC – Officials at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History were shocked this morning to discover that one of their prize exhibits had been destroyed over the holiday weekend by a ravenous tourist. The exhibit in question, the museum’s giant Tyrannosaurus Rex, had been completely eaten to the bone.

This photo of the Tyrannosaurus Rex exhibit was taken only days earlier.

Taken into custody early Monday was Ridia Namirez, of Las Vegas, Nevada. According to authorities, Namirez claimed she had been locked inside the museum after closing hours and forced to remain on-site until it re-opened on Monday. Surveillance tapes show she had become stuck in a turnstile while on her way to see the Hope Diamond.

Museum officials were completely flabbergasted. “We’re talking about a 14,000 pound exhibit,” exclaimed Museum Director, John Williams. “And that’s not even real meat, it’s vulcanized rubber!

“You could have fooled me,” replied Namirez. “It tasted a lot like chicken.”

Sadly, this is all that remains of the once proud dinosaur.

Officials were equally amazed at how quickly Namirez was to take down the giant beast. “She was able to eat it clean to the bone in less than 48 hours,” estimated Williams. “I could have eaten it a lot faster than that,” boasted Namirez, “but I got lost coming back from the little girls’ room.”

When questioned by authorities as to why she chose to eat the enormous reptile in the first place, Namirez claimed she had little choice.  “Have you seen the prices in the vending machine?” she asked. “It’s a sad day in this country when we have to pay $3 for a Snickers bar.”

Under questioning, Namirez admitted that the T-Rex was not her first choice. “At first, I thought about eating the Wooly Mammoth,” confessed Namirez. “but I decided I didn’t want to be picking hair out of my teeth all afternoon.”

Namirez was booked and charged with trespassing and destruction of a national treasure. Enroute to jail, she reportedly asked arresting officers if she was too late for breakfast.

Museum officials plan to repair the exhibit as soon as possible but are unlikely to label it “The world’s largest carnivore.” “That distinction clearly belongs to Miss Namirez,” said Williams.

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