Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “March, 2012”

Local woman charged in daycare scandal

Keizer, OR – Eloina Cortes, owner and operator of Los Niños Child Care, was charged today with the reckless endangerment of a minor and violation of child labor laws after reports surfaced that she was conducting an illegal slave labor operation.

Here a small child is shown being forced to apply lead based paint to an authentic Mexican art piece.

Here a small child is shown being forced to apply lead based paint to an authentic Mexican art piece.

Officials from Children’s Protective Services reported numerous violations stemming from forcing children to work with lead paint and other hazardous materials to administering full body massage.

“It was a pretty sorry sight,” stated arresting officer Daryle Rico, describing the scene. “There must have been upwards of 12 kids being mistreated. Fortunately, they were all brothers and sisters.”

The victims, ages 3 and up, were allegedly being used to crank out cheap authentic Mexican folk art. “Well, they are Mexican, and the art was for their folks,” explained a surprised Cortes.

Children at the daycare received no fresh air and were instead forced to exercise indoors using spare automobile parts.

Children at the daycare received no fresh air and were instead forced to exercise indoors using spare automobile parts.

While CPS authorities admitted that it is not uncommon for child day care facilities to offer craft projects as part of their curriculum, it is exceeding rare to use children as massage therapists. “Some of the little bastards were working 8-10 hours a day,” claimed Rico. “Mostly for just an extra glass of Horchata.”

Cortes, who is originally from Mexico, has been running Los Niños, since 2005. Originally booked at the Salem Police Station, she later requested transfer to the Kaiser jail so she could watch Unavision on the prison tv.

A small Mexican girl beams with satisfaction, knowing she will not be forced to sell flour tortillas along the side of the road during the afternoon rush hour.

PTA meeting turns into drunk fest; elementary teacher placed on probation

Salem, OR – It started out like any other Parent-Teacher Association meeting for Oregon School District 24J, with a regular reading of the minutes and an announcement of the 3rd Grade Bake Sale. But things quickly went from routine to raunchy once the beer came out. Things reportedly got so out of hand that police officers from both Salem and Keizer were called to the scene to quiet the mob.

“It was an ugly sight,” said arresting officer Daryle Rico, “and I’m just referring to the faculty members.”

The trouble apparently began when Barlee Shackwell, a teacher at Lee Elementary, decided it would be a good idea to celebrate Furlough Day by tapping a keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. “We’re a very sophisticated group of teachers,” claimed Shackwell, shortly before puking into the back seat of a patrol car. “Only the best for us.”

Shackwell, who was reportedly buck naked and passed out across a picnic table when discovered by arresting officers, was easily identified by the Hells Angel tattoo on her right butt cheek.

The drunk fest quickly moved from the gymnasium to school grounds, where an additional 4 pony kegs joined the scene. The additional kegs, which all contained Dos Equis, were reportedly supplied by the district’s ESL staff. “I don’t always drink beer,” said Eloina Cortes, “but when I do, I drink as much as possible.”

Horrified parents and other on-lookers described a scene out of Dante’s Inferno. “I’ve never seen so much bare naked flesh in my life,” said Hector Sanchez. “And I butcher pigs for a living!” Sanchez, who has no fewer than 12 children enrolled in Salem-Keizer schools says he plans to take his brood elsewhere. “I didn’t enter this country illegally just to have my children corrupted,” stated Sanchez.

Most of the offending teachers were sent home to sober up, and there was only one arrest. Shackwell was singled out for arrest for having started the party and for alledgedly mooning a passing school bus. She reportedly told officers that she didn’t know what all the fuss was about, claiming it was “just a short bus.”

Shackwell was placed on probation but should be back in time to represent her colleagues at the next union meeting.

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