Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the category “Latinos”

Lifetime Network set to produce life story of Brittney Alexa Vega

New York City, New York – Lifetime Network announced today it plans to produce a new movie based on the life of former furniture model Brittney Alexa Vega. The movie, titled “Brittney, The Early Years,” chronicles Miss Vega’s earliest days as a model in the glitzy world of upholstered furniture.

Brittney Alexa Vega

Former world famous upholstery model Brittney Vega in her first professional photo shoot, moments after her birth.

According to family and friends, Miss Vega began her modeling career right out of the womb when her mother gave birth to her on the showroom floor of a local Lazy Boy Furniture Gallery.

Says Vega, her mother was checking out a new leather recliner when all of a sudden her water broke. “Mom says it felt like a piñata just exploded between her legs,” exclaimed Vega. “The next thing she knew, boom, there I was.”

Although Vega was too young to personally recall any of the details surrounding her first photo shoot, the event was captured in a series of family photos.

“I don’t know what it is,” said Vega, “but every time I see that first photo of me I can’t help but feel a cold breeze on my butt.”

The new Lifetime movie is scheduled for release April 15, just in time for the launch of the new Spring line of  Lazy Boy recliners.

Mexican drag queens selected to high school cheer squad

Woodburn, OR –  When Giovanni Bazan and Alberto Flores take to the baseball field this Friday night, it won’t be to hit home runs or catch fly balls in the outfield for the Fighting Chihuahuas of Tostada High. Instead, the two amigos will be entertaining the fans as the newest members of the the high school cheerleading squad.

Gio AlbertoThe two boys, who are self-proclaimed drag queens, were recently selected to the squad by a popular vote of the high school student body.

“I wasn’t surprised,” said high school classmate Eloina Cortes. “They have some of the best legs in the senior class.”

Of course, not everyone at the school is thrilled with the latest addition to the cheer squad. “We will be the laughing stock of the Mid-Willamette Conference,” said one athlete who requested anonymity.

Head cheerleader Lorena Jaime, has mixed feelings about her new cheer mates. “They have a lot to learn about shaking their pom-poms,” said Jamie, “but at least we have a good foundation for our pyramid routine.”

“Gio and Alberto are to be congratulated,” said high school principal Daryle Rico. “It takes a lot of courage for a boy to wear a skirt. I just wish they had thought twice about wearing g-strings.”

 

Bazan and Flores were unavailable for comment, as both were busy picking out their prom dresses.

New Mexican robot vacuum labeled “all suck”

Yonkers, NY – The world’s first self-powered, self-propelled vacuum cleaner failed to impress during recent consumer testing conducted by Consumer Reports. In a field of 20 robot vacuums, the Mexican made Barrido finished dead last.

Barrido

The self-propelled Barrido is made in Mexico.

Competing units were compared side by side and tested for Functionality, Performance and Features. The Barrido was swept by its competition in all three categories.

Said Daryle Rico, Head of Testing for Consumer Reports, “the Barrido is all suck and no suction.”

According to Consumer Reports, the Barrido was found lacking in several areas.

“The Barrido wanders aimlessly from room to room, and requires a steady diet of small insects to maintain a charge,” said Rico. “And those are its finer points. Plus, most robot vacuums can be programmed to return to their charging station. But the Barrido has to be tracked down and shoved back in its cage.”

Robot vacuums have become all the rage in recent years, with some units costing upwards of $600. In contrast, the Barrido can be found at Petco for less than $40.

El Loco, who is licensed to market the Barrido in the United States, had no response to the report.

Naive Latina confuses maitre d’ for elderly playboy millionaire

Linda Maldonado mistakenly confuses a maitre d' for a self made millionaire

Linda Maldonado mistakenly confuses a maitre d’ for a self made millionaire

Portland, OR – The last thing you could accuse Linda Maldonado of being is a gold digger. So when the sexy Latina sidled up to the handsome maitre d’ during a recent night on the town, most onlookers assumed she was just asking for a second salad fork. Come to find out, however, Maldonado had simply confused the man in the tuxedo for a rich playboy.

“I was so embarrassed for her,” said Portland resident Kristi Lemos, who witnessed the event from a nearby table. “Clearly his only means of support was the truss he was wearing inside his trousers.”

As it turned out, the maitre ‘d was no other than Daryle Rico, one of Maldonado’s regular salsa partners. “I didn’t even recognize him,” confessed a blushing Maldonado afterwards. “I didn’t think I’d see him looking that good until he was laying face up in an open casket.”

“Linda is always making that mistake,” said her boyfriend Israel Guerrero. “I once caught her flirting with a parking lot attendant who was wearing the same exact tuxedo – minus the extra-strength cummerbund.”

Rico’s rejection was compounded about an hour later when Maldonado neglected to tip him the customary 15%.

Distracted Latina inadvertently re-friends stalker

Eloina Cortes reacts with horror upon realizing she just accepted a friend request from her former stalker.

Eloina Cortes reacts with horror upon realizing she just accepted a friend request from her former stalker.

Kaiser, OR – Eloina Cortes, a local Facebook user, reacted with horror today when she realized she had inadvertently re-friended a former stalker. “Aish,” exclaimed Cortes, “it took me six months to get rid of him, and now ‘presto’, he’s back in my life!”

Her stalker’s late night phone calls and incessant text messaging lead to his being de-friended last March. But according to Cortes, the final straw was his annoying FarmVille updates. “I was receiving dozens of them every day,” claimed Cortes. “Just look at me,” she asked, posing in a new bridesmaid’s dress, “do I look like a farmer? The closest I have come to being near a pig was my last lunch date with Alberto Flores!”

Cortes, who declined to mention her stalker by name for fear of inflating his king-sized ego, blamed the accident on her innate ability to multi-task. “I was cooking frijoles and updating my Facebook status at the same time,” explained Cortes. That’s what I get for trying to use my smart phone as a cooking utensil.”

Cortes, claims that she receives approximately 200 friend requests a week. “Some are friends of friends,” she says. “But most are Mexican nationals looking for a girl with a green card.”

Cortes is as yet undecided whether or not she will de-friend her stalker right away. “I might give him another chance,” she said. “Besides, my alarm clock is broken, so I may need his 5 AM text messages to get me out of bed in time for work.”

Sexy Latina told once again to “go put some clothes on”

Tualatin, OR – For the umpteenth time this week, neighbors of Tualatin resident Linda Maldonado have asked the sexy señorita to go put some clothes on. Maldonado, neighbors claim, is in the habit of parading about her condominium community in all manners of undress.

Linda Maldonado

According to next door neighbor Daryle Rico, there is just no telling what Maldonado will show up wearing – or not wearing – next. “My rent has tripled since I first moved here,” said Rico reaching for his binoculars. “But there is just no way I would ever move.”

Heart-Attack

Maldonado’s sexy attire has claimed two lives since January.

Other neighbors are less enthusiastic about the young woman’s questionable attire. “We have a lot of older men in the neighborhood,” said Evelyn Hunt, president of the community’s homeowners association. “She’s sent three seniors into cardiac arrest just this month, and it’s only mid-April.”

Maldonado relaxes at her condo's laundry facility while waiting for her undies to dry.

Maldonado relaxes at her condo’s laundry facility while waiting for her undies to dry.

Maldonado’s boyfriend, Israel Guerrero, refused to take sides on the issue. “Personally, I like the way Linda dresses,” said Guerrero, “but I’ll admit it is a bit tiring to have to step over old men in the parking lot just to get to the condo.”

The homeowners association admits they have no legal authority to force Maldonado to alter her attire. At the same time, they express concerns for community safety in the months ahead.

“Good grief,” said Hunt “if this is how she dresses when it’s 40 degrees outside, I hate to think of what we’ll be seeing once the weather warms up.”

 

Washington beaches still awash with ugly tsunami debris

Eyesore


Washington beachcombers report numerous eyesores like this one in recent months.

Pacific Beach State Park, WA – Tsunami debris, the aftermath of a devastating earthquake that shook Japan over two years ago, continues to wash onto Washington beaches. More than 200,000 buildings were washed out to sea by the enormous waves that followed the magnitude 9.0 earthquake on March 11, 2011. Cars, boats, lumber, plastic buoys and even whole houses have made their way to Washington beaches ever since.

Longtime beachcomber Daryle Rico is trying to take it all in stride. “I can deal with the cars and body parts I find along the shore,” says Rico. “To me, the biggest eyesore is that ugly Costa Rican I see strolling on the beach.”

Scientists state that once the debris field reaches the U.S. West coast, it will turn clock-wise toward Hawaii and back again toward Asia, circulating in what is known as the North Pacific Gyre. The gyre is the largest ecosystem on Earth and is the site of an unusually large collection of man-made debris, and is known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Thousands of Washingtonians have volunteered their time to clear the beach of most of the garbage that has sailed across the Pacific, but scientists predict more debris is in store.

According to a spokesperson from the Washington CoastSavers, “We can handle most of the trash that is arriving from Japan, but there is not much we can do about those smarmy Costa Ricans.”

Houston hottie’s smile takes a back seat to her back seat

Brittney Alex VegaHouston, TX – Local Latina heart-throb Brittney Alexa Vega was informed today that her smile – pretty as it is, is not the main focal point of her amateur photographer friends. According to an official audit conducted by Facebook, of the more than 1,000 photos in her online photo albums, nearly 800 of them are of her butt.

Facebook representative Daryle Rico, who conducted the audit stated, “I’m pretty sure my numbers are accurate. I counted her photos 14 times.”

“I can’t say that I am totally surprised,” blushed Brittney upon hearing the news. “So much for wearing braces for 2 1/2 years.”

According to Brittney, it’s not just the guys who are enamored with her back bumper. Says Brittney “The girls can’t keep their hands off my booty either.”

Booty collage

These photos demonstrate the growing popularity of what is quickly becoming known as the BBB – Brittney’s Beautiful Booty.

Despite the news, the aspiring model remains optimistic of her future. Says Brittney, “It’s really exciting to think that my best years may be behind me.”

As a professional salsa dancer, Brittney’s booty has been admired throughout the Southwest as well as parts of Africa. And many have compared Brittney’s hind quarters to that of another popular Latina starlet: Jennifer Lopez. “Some critics have told me that my butt isn’t as sexy as J-Lo’s, but I don’t let it bother me” says Brittney. “Besides, mama always taught me to turn the other cheek.”

Salvadoran narrowly escapes death posing as small woodland creature

Boring, OR – Calling it as close to a near death experience as he has ever had, Salvadoran immigrant Frank Vasquez barely escaped serious injury last Sunday when he was fired upon by a group of local hunters.

Vasquez claims he was simply hunting for mushrooms when he suddenly found himself in the cross hairs of approximately five hunters. “There were bullets flying in all directions,” claimed Vasquez. “You would have thought I was in East LA – not the Mt. Hood National Forest.”

Vasquez displays the hat that nearly cost him his life.

State game officials called the near accident a simple case of mistaken identity. “I think they thought he was just a large squirrel,” said officer Daryle Rico, referring to a hat Vasquez was wearing at the time. Rico claimed the hat bore a striking resemblance to many of the small woodland creatures that inhabit the area.

“I was trying to keep my ears warm,” claimed an angry Vasquez, “not get them shot off.”

Game officials were less than sympathetic to Vasquez. “He really has no one to blame but himself,” said Rico. “If I had a chance to take down a 200 lb. chipmunk, I’m pretty sure I would have taken a shot at him too.”

“I’m just lucky those guys were all drunk and couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn,” said Vasquez. “It’s also a good thing I was wearing my brown pants at the time.”

Costa Rican’s get-rich scheme goes tits up

Breast carBellevue, WA – Sergio Villalobos, a local Costa Rican immigrant living in the US under an expired work visa, was stunned to realize that his latest business venture has been a colossal failure. The business, Sergio’s Breast Augmentation Service has failed to land so much as a single client.  “I really thought I was onto something this time,” said a dejected Villalobos, “but my business went bust before the paint on my van was dry.”

According to Villalobos, his plan was to offer in-home breast augmentation for a flat fee of $2,800. “That’s just 1,400 bucks a pop,” added Villalobos. But for Seattle women, the affordability factor was not enough to overcome the fear of having a smarmy Costa Rican manhandling their mammaries while under anesthesia.

“Some people simply expect too much,” griped Villalobos.

In this 3-minute infomercial, Villalobos explains the concept of breast enhancement.

In this 3-minute infomercial, Villalobos explains the concept of breast enhancement.

For now, Villalobos has no idea what his next business move will be. And his neighborhood association has demanded that he not park his hot pink company car in the community parking lot. “I’m not sure what I’ll be doing next,” said Villalobos, “but I’ll keep you abreast.”

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