Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the category “Asian”

Perth woman hatches novel plan to combat nation’s litter problem

Operation Roo

Operation Roo involves the enlistment of more than 50,000 wild kangaroos to collect trash along Australia’s roadways.

Canbera, Australia – In what is being hailed as a common sense approach to solving Australia’s rampant litter problem, government officials have announced the launch of Operation Roo. The project, which carries an estimated price tag of 1.5 million dollars, calls for the enlistment of more than 50,000 wild kangaroos to collect litter along the nation’s roadways. The project is the brain child of Mona Poomy of Perth, who will spearhead the project.

“I’m really excited by the opportunity to bring my concept to life,” said Poomy. “I’ve managed projects all over the world, but this is the first time I’ve ever worked with marsupials. This is going to look great on my resume! In fact, prospective employers may even forget all about my trip to Florence,” beamed Poomy.

According to Poomy, the program will cost Australians little to implement. “There is no actual training program to finance,” said Poomy, “and we won’t spend ten cents for vacation pay or maternity leave.”

Poomy claims she first conceived the idea of an all kangaroo litter patrol while on a recent visit to the Outback. She later clarified that she was referring to the world-famous restaurant chain, not Australia’s remote interior region.

“I just thought to myself, ‘what a waste of talent,’ said Poomy. “Kangaroos are natural-born litter collectors.” Government spokesperson Daryle Rico of the Department of Transport, echoed Poomy’s statement, adding that besides working for free, the kangaroos don’t even require trash bags. “That alone will save thousands of dollars,” claimed Rico.

Displaced Joey

Critics of Operation Roo say the program could lead to the displacement of thousands of joeys.

Critics of the program call the campaign a national embarrassment. “I can’t believe we are treating our national icon with such disrespect,” said an outraged Hugh Jackman. “If they were recruiting koala bears to collect trash along our nation’s roads, you could bet Australians would be flinging their boomerangs in protest!”

“I seriously doubt we could hire koala bears to do the job,” countered Rico. “Most of them are under contract with Quantas Airlines.”

Local beauty reaches Miss Malaysia Finals; trained water buffalo act fails to impress

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – When local hottie Mona Poomy reached the finals of the Miss Malaysia beauty pageant, she thought she had it won. “I was practically counting my roses,” admitted Poomy, after the event.

Malaysian Swimsuit Competition

The swimsuit competition of the Miss Malaysia Pageant is widely regarded as the world’s most boring.

Poomy, whose shocking camouflage bikini in the swimsuit competition catapulted her to the final round of five contestants, was counting on the talent portion of the show to put her over the top.

In previous years, Miss Malaysia contestants have sang, danced and even somersaulted their way to the title, but Poomy decided to surprise the crowd with her famous water buffalo act. “Our performance is not all that difficult,” said Poomy. “In fact, the hardest part of our routine is getting him to ride the elevator on the way to the stage.”

According to her fans and neighbors, many of whom braved the arduous 125 mile trek from her hometown of Ipok, Perak to watch her perform, Poomy and her water buffalo present a dramatic contrast in size and shape when on stage. Poomy, who weighs barely 100 pounds soaking wet is dwarfed by her pet who tips the scales at over 1,200 pounds. “I don’t know why he’s such a fat ass,” complained Poomy, “I’ve had him on a vegetarian diet all his life.”

Little Mona and water buffalo

Poomy and her pet water buffalo have trained together for nearly 20 years.

Says Poomy, she and her pet have been entertaining neighborhood families for years, earning wild ovations with her impressive feats of balance and coordination. “When I was a little girl, I would juggle mangoes while tap-dancing on his back,” bragged Poomy. “Even then I knew how to wow a crowd!”

Stampeded Auditorium

The Kuala Lumpur Amphitheater, which hosted the Miss Malaysia Pageant, is left in shambles.

Alas, Poomy’s dreams of fame and fortune were not meant to be. For as the crowd welcomed her and her pet with a thunderous round of applause, her water buffalo panicked and stampeded into the audience, bringing the pageant to an abrupt end.

“Well, ” sighed a disappointed Poomy, “he always knew how to bring a crowd to its feet.”

Angry Malaysian claims wool mattress is over-rated

Angry Malaysian demands full refund claims wool mattress over-rated, Rico's RamblingsPerth, Australia – When Mona Poomy found a new sleep system for sale in the local newspaper, she thought her dreams of a better night’s sleep were about to come true. But after three sleepless nights, the pretty young sleepyhead has found herself wanting her money back.

“I was completely ripped-off,” Poomy declared. “For starters, I was told I was getting a ‘complete sleep system’. Instead, all I got was a lumpy wool mattress. Secondly, I was not even told that I would have to do all my sleeping outdoors!”

Poomy’s disappointment didn’t end there, however. “Have you ever tried sleeping on a herd of sheep?” asked Poomy. “So far, I have ended up nine miles from my house, and there is isn’t a decent patch of grass left in the neighborhood!”

While initially excited about her new bed, Poomy says sleeping on a wool mattress definitely has its disadvantages. “I’ve never had to feed my bed before,” says Poomy, “and I really don’t have time to be shoveling sheep poop all day.”

wool mattressPoomy sheepishly admits that she may have been tricked into making her new purchase. “You know,” says Poomy, “I’m a college educated girl. So I’m a bit surprised that anyone could pull the wool over my eyes quite this easily.”

So far, Poomy has been unsuccessful in getting a refund. “At this rate,” says Poomy, “I may just cut my losses and hold a barbecue.”

Malaysian girl visits Florence to pose with giant penis

Statue of David Florence, Italy  With its multitude of famous art galleries, picturesque Ponte Vecchio Bridge, and dozens of other historic landmarks, Florence is widely regarded as one of the world’s greatest tourist destinations. But for Mona Basso of Sydney, Australia, it wasn’t the cultural or historic landmarks of the city that brought her halfway around the world to visit, it was the giant penis on the nude statue of David outside the Palazzo Vecchio.

“That has to be biggest penis I’ve ever seen in my life,” claimed Basso “not counting the one I saw on the wooly mammoth at the Smithsonian. Now that’s what I call Biblical proportions!”

Although seeing the statue had been on Basso’s bucket list for quite some time, she confessed to being slightly disappointed at first. “I thought it would be a lot bigger,” confessed Basso. “His slingshot, I mean.”

So infatuated was Basso by the city’s full-sized replica, that she failed to visit the Accademia, which houses the actual statue of David that was carved by Michaelangelo in 1501.

Well,” said Basso, gobbling her gelato, “if you’ve seen one giant penis, you’ve seen ’em all.”

Baby Alex, Share Your Toys

Baby Alex Share Your Toys poem

Dainty Filipina saves village from rampaging water buffalo

Filipina and water buffaloMANILA, PHILIPPINES – When Teresita Rapier left her house for the local market on Saturday morning, she thought it would be just another routine grocery trip. Little did she realize, that by day’s end, she would be hailed a hero by her friends and neighbors.

It all began as Rapier stumbled upon a wild water buffalo terrorizing the neighborhood children. Rather than turn tail and flee as she saw everyone else doing, the tiny Filipina chose to take the king-sized beast head-on.

Eye witness accounts of the incident vary greatly, but most onlookers agree that the water buffalo was clearly outmatched.

“I simply jumped on its back and tried to drown it,” said Rapier, describing the incident. “It outweighed me by about a ton, I suppose,” she said, “but I had the element of surprise. And once it realized who was boss, it calmed down completely.”

Filipina children seek safetly in coconut treeAlthough dozens of adults were injured in the water buffalo attack, a number of children were completely unscathed, having reached the relative safety of a nearby coconut grove. “If there’s one thing a Filipino kid knows how to do,” explained Rapier, “it’s how to climb a coconut tree.”

Filipino water buffaloFilipino police managed to sedate the water buffalo and it was later returned to its native habitat, none the worse for its mid-day duel with the feisty Filipina.

Filipino authorities nail nail salon for child labor violations

A small Filipina child toils away at the heavily calloused foot of her neighbor.

TABACO, PHILIPPINES – In what authorities are calling the most perverse case of child abuse ever reported, Filipino authorities have busted a local nail salon for alleged child labor violations. The illegal enterprise, which was headquartered in Tabaco City in the province of Albay, was reportedly earning thousands of pesos each day. “They were making money hand over foot,” said investigating officer Daryle Rico, who was among the first on the scene.

According to initial reports, small Filipino children — some as young as 20 months old, were being forced to provide 50¢ pedicures and manicures to affluent townspeople. Authorities claim the children were forced to endure long hours of trimming and polishing nails. Most of the children were unpaid for their labor or received only discount coupons to the local Jollibee restaurant.

The Jollibee is under invesigation for his role in the scandal.

“It was the saddest sight you’ve ever seen,” reported Rico. “Small brown children – their tiny fingers trimming toenails like that –  it just brought tears to my eyes.”

Owners of the nail salon, which operated under the name Vanessa’s Vanity, were unapologetic. “We are just trying to be price competitive with the larger nail salons,” claimed Vanessa Del Castillo. “Plus, the children rather enjoy playing with other people’s feet.”

Authorities were led to the operation after receiving numerous reports of local Tabaco City townswomen showing off their freshly polished toes at the village market.  “We knew something smelled bad right away,” said Rico.

Vanessa’s Vanity was closed by order of the chief of police. The Jollibee remains open for business.

Local tot lands leading role in Broadway musical

New York, NY – Broadway producers announced plans to produce a revival of the classic Rodgers and Hammerstein hit “The King and I.” In a casting move that surprised many Broadway critics, however, the role of the king was given to a local 3 year old who has never before perfumed in public.

Pajamas

Madden Ho, a local 3 year old, has been cast to play the lead role in Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “The King and I.”

“Our strategy is two-fold,” said producer Daryle Rico, who is bankrolling the production. “First, we want to appeal to a younger audience that has never even a Broadway musical before, and secondly, we think Madden simply looks great in silk pajamas.”

Yul Brynner

Madden follows in the pointed shoes of Yul Brynner who first starred in the role.

Marketing strategy aside, critics question casting such a young actor who has never performed in public – let alone appeared on a Broadway stage. “It’s a bit of a gamble,  alright,” said Rico. “We are definitely putting all our egg rolls in one basket.”

Ticket sales for the premier, slated for April 15, 2014 have been slow thus far. “We’ve sold a total of two seats so far, admitted Rico, “both to his mother.”

Neighbor’s dog has annoying habit of ruining family photos

Sparky the dog ruins yet another family photo.

Sparky the dog ruins yet another family photo.

Portland, OR – What was sort of cute in the beginning has become a regular pain in the ass, as Frenchy Ly has lost yet another family photo op to her best friend’s dog.

Says Ly, “That damn dog is always doing something in the background. If he’s not taking a dump he’s licking himself – or worse.”

According to Ly, Sparky the dog has a sixth sense for knowing whenever a photo is about to be taken. “Lo and behold, he’ll be right there to ruin it any way he can,” claims Ly. Ly says she has lost count of how many photos Sparky has actually ruined, but estimates the number to be in the hundreds.

“I haven’t been able to post a decent photo on Facebook in over 4 months,” complained Ly.

Ly went on to say that even her one-year old son is catching on to the dog’s antics. “Mason refuses to pose with him anymore,” says Ly. “Before I know it, he’ll be off to college and I’ll have no record of his childhood.”

Initially, Ly considered asking her friend to have her dog put down. Cooler heads have prevailed, however, and Ly is now considering investing in Photoshop.

2-year old descends Mt. Hood atop Krispy Kreme donut

Crispy CremePortland, OR – Little Madden Ho set a world speed record today when he descended Oregon’s famous Mt. Hood in a time of 7 minutes 23-seconds. Even more incredible was the fact that he set the record riding atop a Krispy Kreme donut.

“It was an upside down glazed donut to be specific,” beamed his proud mother, Kieu Ho. “We would have set it right side up, but I didn’t want to get chocolate on his good pants.”

Over 100 skiers and snowboarders witnessed the event. “He was the proverbial greased lighting,” said snow bunny Daryle Rico. “But in his case, I guess it was more like ”glazed’ lightning.”

Researchers from Guinness World Records, who were on hand to authenticate the record, credit a strong back wind and Madden’s low profile for his speedy descent down the 11,250 ft. mountain. “In the reclined position, he was only about 18 inches off the ground,” stated Sir Edmund Howell of Guinness, “so there was practically no wind resistance working against him.”

Madden, who was sporting a slight case of freezer burn on his cheeks following his record-setting feat, was unavailable for comment, as he was already in the lift line to make a second attempt.

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