Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “May, 2012”

Seattle woman’s 3rd grade vocabulary makes her easy pickings on Words With Friends

Seattle, WA – Move over, Charlie Brown. There’s a new loser in town.

If there’s one thing Karen (Kiki) Hendren sucks at, it’s playing Words With Friends. The popular online version of Scrabble has completely bewildered Hendren and made her the virtual laughing stock of the WWF community.

“I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve beaten her,” says her arch rival Daryle Rico. “I think the closest she’s come to winning was when I promised not to use any vowels against her.” Hendren countered by saying, “The only reason he continues to play me is to extend his damn winning streak.”

In her most humiliating match to date, Hendren was easily dispatched by a baboon, failing to reach a triple digit score against her vastly superior opponent.

Hendren, who has played more than 2,500 matches since first discovering the game a few months ago, is still looking for her first victory. “I just have to be patient,” she insisted. “Eventually the law of averages has turn in my favor, right?”

Statisticians at the nearby University of Washington claim that Hendren actually stands a better chance of winning the lottery or being struck by lightning. And according to Las Vegas bookmakers, the only thing with higher odds is the likelihood of Hendren finding a full-time job.

Hendren is mystified by her colossal losing streak. “I don’t get it,” she says. “I go through at least one book every week.” Her close friends are quick to note, however, that Hendren’s personal library consists primarily of Dr. Seuss stories and books on tape.

Hendren, who has become an avid fan of Words With Friends, is shown in this photo taking public transit to a local tournament.

Hendren blames her poor win-loss record on the California education system and a mild case of dyslexia that hampered her ability to read and write.  “5th grade was the hardest three years of my life,” confessed Hendren.

She went on to claim that Words With Friends is played on a less than level playing field. “The game definitely favors smart people,”  concluded Hendren. “I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but ‘smart’ isn’t one of them.”

Despite her poor showing, Hendren remains undeterred in her determination to win a game some day. “I may not be the goodest player,” she admits “but I’m sure I’m not the worstest either.”


Professional couch potato calls it quits

Brittney Alexa Vega started her sofa modeling career at the tender age of 4 when she was barely larger than an ottoman.

Houston, TX – Saying “Enough is enough,” Houston hottie Brittney Alexa Vega announced her retirement today, ending a 14 year career as a sofa model. The announcement came as a surprise to most major sofa manufacturers. “The girl still had a few good years left in her,” said industry expert Daryle Rico. “But I guess she wanted to go out on top.”

“I’ve had a good run,” admitted Vega, “but it’s time to get off my butt and get a real job.”

Vega’s considerable beauty crossed all cultural boundaries and made her the most sought after sofa model on both sides of the border.

Vega who began modeling at age 4 is perhaps best known for her work with leather sofas. “I just like the way they squeak when I roll around on them,” said Vega. “I’m probably going to miss that the most.” She went on to say “I just love the smell of a leather couch. It’s like walking through a cow pasture without having to watch where you step.”

Vega takes a break from an exhausting session of modeling on the couch by sleeping on the couch.

When asked if she had any regrets about retiring at such a young age, Vega replied, “I wish I could have modeled some Amish sofas. Their clothing is pretty boring, but I hear they make great furniture.”

At the height of her career, Vega was the world’s premier sofa model and even had her own personal assistant to carry her to and from her photo shoots.

Vega’s illustrious career includes modeling assignments with all the major sofa brands including Lane, Ashley and Ethan Allen. When asked her greatest career accomplishment, Vega replied, “I’m proud that I never lowered myself to modeling for IKEA. Nothing against the Danish, but I’ve never trusted anything that was assembled with an allen wrench.”

Woman’s obsession with Hello Kitty enrages homeowner’s association

Estacada, OR – When Khiem Troung first started collecting Hello Kitty merchandise a little over 3 years ago, she thought she was merely doing what most Asian girls like to do: purchasing worthless crap. Her collection started innocently enough: a throw pillow here, a hair clip there. But her hobby has since escalated into a spending habit that has enraged her neighbors and even threatened her relationship with her longterm girlfriend, Tan Dlr.

Neighbor’s call Troung’s Hello Kitty house the biggest eyesore in Multnomah County.

“Khiem has her crap all over the house,” complained Dlr. “I thought it was kind of cute at first, but now she has me peeing on a Hello Kitty toilet seat! I’ll be damned if I’m going to wipe my ass with her toilet paper though!”

Troung’s penchant for Hello KItty merchandise has become an obsession. Her collection has filled every room of her home and spilled onto her driveway. Case in point: the cherry red Hello Kitty Ferrari parked in front of her house. “It would have cost me a fortune at a dealership,” bragged Troung, “but I found it on eBay for 40 bucks under Blue Book.”

The latest addition to Troung’s collection is this $50 Hello Kitty toilet seat.

The piece de resistance, however, is the pink two-story Hello Kitty castle that Troung had specially built. Troung’s neighbors call it an eyesore. “It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” claims Daryle Rico. “Truth be told, if it wasn’t for her recent boob job, I’d probably sign a petition to have her kicked out of the neighborhood.”

Others are even more irate. “I’ve never seen so much pink and purple [expletive deleted] in my life,” complained next door neighbor Amanda Boehm. “It’s as if a family of Smurfs ate cotton candy for a month and crapped all over her front lawn.”

Troung’s girlfriend is adamant in stating that her fancy toilet paper isn’t going anywhere near her ass.

As near as Troung can estimate, her obsession has cost her just over $2,000,000, not including the fines she has incurred by violating the terms of her homeowner’s association agreement.  “I’ll admit it’s a lot of money,” says Troung. “But as long as the checks from the blood bank keep coming in, I’ll be fine.”

Troung’s neighbors have become so vocal in their complaints about her prized collection, that she has taken to guarding her property with a Hello Kitty AR-15 assault rifle.

When asked if there was anything Hello Kitty-related that she didn’t own, Troung’s eyes widened. “I’ve kind of got my heart set on a rice cooker,” she admitted.

Authorities bust neighborhood dog meat racket

Troung allegedly fattened her dogs up by feeding them a steady diet of birthday cake.

Estacada, OR – Local police along with authorities from the Food and Drug Administration and PETA raided the home of Khiem Troung today when neighbors reported she was running an illegal dog meat operation. Troung, who is Vietnamese, was allegedly raising chihuahuas for human consumption.

Here, a Chihuahua emerges from its vinegar bath, the first step in the slaughtering process.

“She was really quite brazen about it,” said PETA spokesman Daryle Rico. “She had even signs posted throughout the neighborhood offering them for sale.” In Oregon, dogs are not officially recognized as livestock for slaughter and processing, meaning that their meat cannot legally be sold.

Despite marketing her product on every street corner within a five-mile radius of her home, Troung claims her dog meat operation barely turned a profit.

Several dogs were seized during the early morning raid as were a number of homemade signs which read “Chihuahua: the other, other white meat.”

“I don’t understand what all the fuss is about,” said Troung while picking her teeth. “Where I’m from, we eat dog all the time.” Authorities were quick to note, however, that Troung is an American-born citizen.

When asked why she was raising chihuahuas instead of larger dogs, Troung explained that her one-room apartment was too small to raise larger breeds. “Besides,” said Troung, “chihuahuas take up less room and can be stacked in the freezer for easier, long-term storage.”

The rescued dogs were taken to the Oregon Humane Society where they will be put up for adoption. “I’m not sure what kind of pets they’ll make,” said Truong, “but I can state for a fact they make dandy appetizers.”

Troung says her inability to sell dog meat may force her into a new line of work. “It’s a dog eat dog world,” said Troung. “A girl has to survive.”

Bitter Costa Rican sues Mens’ Hair Club

Seattle, WA – When Sergio Villalobos forked over his life savings to join the Men’s Hair Club, he thought he was well on his way to restoring his prepubescent hairline. Little did he realize just how much his vanity would end up costing him.

Villalobos reacts with surprise to the result of his latest round of hair implants.

Six weeks and $27 later, Villalobos claims the organization has ruined his appearance.”Good god, I look like some kind of ape!” exclaimed an angry Villalobos.

Villalobos joined the hair club hoping to remedy a few thinning areas of his rapidly balding scalp. “They told me I would look like a new person when they were through with me,” claims Villalobos. “Boy, they sure got that right.”

Hair Club representatives were quick to shift blame, claiming that the less than satisfactory results were due to their client’s poor diet and excessive drinking habits.

Although Villalobos is dissatisfied with his new appearance, friends and associates are quick to note the vast improvement.

Although Villalobos is dissatisfied with his new appearance, friends and associates are quick to note the vast improvement.

“Mr. Villalobos clearly does not take good care of himself,” said Hair Club spokesperson Daryle Rico. “The excess of beans and rice in his diet has produced a starch build-up in his scalp that is preventing the formation of new hair growth. Plus, everyone knows the guy puts away more beer than a Budweiser delivery driver.”

Villalobos has rejected the explanation and has retained the services of local law firm Cheatham & Howe to sue for damages.

“We are suing for the loss of Mr. Villalobos’ modeling career,” said Dewey Cheatham, his attorney. “We estimate the damages to be in the $3 range.”

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