Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “August, 2012”

Las Vegas mommies give first day of school an A+

Little Jonathan Rapier suddenly realizes he has only one year of childhood left before starting school next year.

Las Vegas, NV – The big yellow vehicle rounded the turn and slowly came to a stop in front of a small gathering of parents and children. It was the first day of school and most of the parents were eager to be finally rid of their kids for the summer.

“I don’t know how many more SpongeBob Squarepants marathons I could have taken,” confessed Tess Rapier as she shoved her daughter onto the school bus.

Similar stories unfolded all around her, with several young mothers watching their youngsters board the bus before racing off to the nearest casino to spend the rest of the day.

“I’m a bit rusty,” said Rapier. “Having kids at home during the summer really cuts into my time at the slots.”

But it was a sad day for little Jonathan Rapier when he learned that his older sister’s first day in school was just the first of approximately 2,340 she will have before she graduates from high school.

“Who am I going to play with?” sobbed Jonathan.

His tears quickly subsided, however, when his mother told him that he will no longer have to share the McNuggets from his Happy Meal box or model his sister’s dresses for her friends.

“Right now, we’re off to find a McDonald’s Playland,” said his mother. “There are about 50 of ’em in Las Vegas, so there should be one just around the corner.”


Long-awaited battle of Monkey-See, Monkey-Do champions ends in stalemate

Despite an exciting start, an epic battle of Monkey-See, Monkey-Do failed to materialize.

Portland, OR – It is being called the biggest letdown in sports history: Two young brothers, each a highly regarded copycat in his own right, were expected to square off against each other in what promoters had been calling “The Mother of all Monkey-See, Monkey-Do Battles.” What materialized, however, was anything but, as after only 37 seconds of competition, the two combatants settled for a tie.

“I gave it my best shot,” said little Mason Ho “but I just didn’t have my A-game today.”

“I gave it my best shot,” replied his brother Andrew, “but I just didn’t have my A-game today.”

“Stop copying me!” yelled Mason.

The match started out with both boys going tit for tat, each matching his brother’s moves with flawless precision. But it was all over before it even started.

“They both seemed to poop out at the same time,” said Daryle Rico, who had a ring side seat on the action. “Clearly, neither kid had the stamina to see this thing to a finish.”

Others in attendance were even more disappointed with the outcome. “I am so pissed,” said Tram Watson. ” I haven’t been this upset about sports since the Blazers drafted Oden over Durant.”

Neither boy was available for further comment as both were promptly laid down for a nap.

Family dog helps illegal alien train for grueling swim home

Vasco, Anotnio’s personal swimming coach, teaches his master the finer points of the dog paddle.

Portland, OR – When Antonio Torres was informed by immigration officials that his green card had been revoked, he knew he had a rough road ahead of him. Or, to be more accurate, a tough swim. That’s because Torres, until recently, did not know the first thing about treading water.

Though a gifted salsero and amateur prize-fighter, Torres was in over his head in a swimming pool.

“I was a fish out of water in the water,” explained Torres. “I entered this country by automobile over the Rio Grande – not through it.”

So rather than suffering the indignity of deportation and riding the dreaded green bus back to Mexico, Torres chose to swim across the U.S. – Mexican border instead. That called for some quick lessons from a loyal friend.

After a long day of training, Vasco sleeps off a six-pack of Corona on his master’s bed.

“I’ve learned most of my technique from my dog, Vasco,” said Torres. “My dog paddle is just about perfect but I still need to work on my breast stroke.”

According to Jennifer Ford, his main squeeze and performance partner, “Vasco has taught Antonio everything he knows about swimming. In fact, Antonio even shakes  himself dry before entering the house.”

Torres predicts it should take him the better part of the day to make the one-hundred yard swim across the Rio Grande, depending on the current and how long his water wings hold out. “At least the rush hour traffic should be going the opposite direction,” he added.

Romanian athlete sets new record in Hood to Coast relay

Ioan Fodor is all smiles as he stretches the miracle fabric of Nike’s TempoTrack women’s running shorts to the limit.

Seaside, OR – When self-proclaimed Romanian super athlete Ioan Fodor participated in the 2012 Hood-to-Coast marathon last weekend, anyone with an active Facebook account certainly heard about it.

“He was posting his progress every 15 minutes,” claimed close friend Daryle Rico.  “It was one thing to learn about him reaching each mile post, but I did not need to be informed every time he hit the porta potty.”

Fodor was part of a 12 member team that completed the 199 mile course in just over 24 hours. Yet, even more incredibly, Fodor ran all four of his legs in women’s running shorts.

“I just find them to be more comfortable,” said Fodor of his unusual choice of running apparel. “I’m not particularly well endowed, so even with their high rise  they fit a lot better than men’s shorts. Plus, most every guy I passed along the way told me how flattering they look in the rear.”

According to relay organizers, cross dressing is not something often seen during the annual event.

“In the 31 years we’ve been sponsoring this event, this is a first,” said Nike owner Phil Knight. “I was glad to see him wearing Nike women’s shorts, but I wish to god he’d had the decency not to wear his U of O hat.”

Fodor says he is already looking forward to the 2013 Hood to Coast relay. “I set personal bests in my performance this year,” claimed Fodor, “but I ‘m sure I can do even better in a sports bra.”

Love struck King Kong triggers avalanche; small boy buried alive

Little Alvin Hoang shown moments before his near mis-adventure.

Madison, WI – What started as a routine afternoon of family photo-taking nearly turned disastrous when a small boy was caught in an avalanche of plush play toys. According to eye witnesses, it was only the cat-like reflexes of the photographer that prevented serious injury to the child.

Ngan Hoang, in one of the provocative poses that led to Kong's jealous outburst.

Ngan Hoang, in one of the provocative poses that led to Kong’s jealous outburst.

According to those present, trouble began when the boy’s mother started flirting with an overly amorous King Kong. The flirtation even went as far as the mother sitting on the beast’s lap while tormenting him with exotic fruits. When the mother suddenly turned her attention to her son, however, the mighty ape flew into a jealous rage, sending an avalanche of dogs, wolves and other woodland creatures down upon her unsuspecting child.

“It was a real zoo in there,” said Daryle Rico, one of the first rescuers one the scene. Rescue efforts were initially hampered by a giant banana, which blocked access to the child. The child was eventually pulled from the pile without a scratch, and only a few tufts of wadding in his hair offered any evidence of his mis-adventure.

Little Alvin Hoang lies buried beneath a pile of plush.

Little Alvin Hoang lies buried beneath a pile of plush.

The boy’s mother expressed disappointment with her former paramour. “I cannot believe King Kong would behave that way,” said Ngan Hoang. “His text messages have always been so sweet and loving.”

Kong, who fled the scene almost immediately, was apprehended by zoo officials a few blocks away. He refused comment on the advice of his attorney.

When asked what lesson she had learned from the day’s events, Ngan stated, “I guess it doesn’t pay to monkey around with a jealous male.”

PETA takes hit from diminutive mole whacker

Family home video captures the diminutive mole whacker stepping on his tippy toes, extending his full two feet of height to lay waste to the unsuspecting moles.

Beaverton, Oregon – PETA, the national animal rights group, was dealt a major blow this week when a homemade video posted on Facebook suddenly went viral. The video in question showed a one year old boy madly walloping moles at the local Chuck E. Cheese restaurant during a recent family outing. By last count the video had received over 25,000 LIKES on Facebook, the popular social marketing website, making it one of the most popular videos posted to the Internet this year, second only to the royal wedding.

“Animal rights just took a giant step backward,” said PETA spokesman Daryle Rico. “It just makes our job that much harder when people are able to see how fun it is to club a defenseless animal.”

The video shows the child delivering more than 30 blows in a 60 second time frame, three of which were delivered with his bare fist. According to restaurant manager, Linda Ho, the child’s striking skills were highly efficient. “I’ve never witnessed such effective striking from such a small child,” said Ho. “He has either witnessed a lot of domestic violence in his life, or he simply does not like moles.”

The child’s parents, who wished to remain anonymous, were nonetheless proud of their child’s efforts. “He really showed those moles who was boss,” said his mother. “I can hardly wait until the Jehovah’s Witnesses come knocking on our door!”

Latina’s cooking skills fail to impress; destined to remain a spinster

Eloina calls her signature dish “La Boca de Fuego” (Mouth of Fire).

Keizer, OR – Ever since she was a little girl, Eloina Cortes has known that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. So as Kaizer’s most eligible bachelorette approaches middle age, she is giving thought to improving her cooking skills.

“I’m fairly good at making flour tortillas and I’ve no problem heating up a can of refried beans,” claimed the young Latina, “but I’m not exactly what you’d call a gourmet cook.”

File that one under “Understatement of the Year.”

According to her sisters, Eloina’s cooking skills are a family joke. “The only time Eloina turns on the oven is to heat her apartment,” says her sister Martha. “And she’s the only person I know who can mess up a bowl of Cheerios.”

Eloina credits her community classes for teaching her how to turn mundane recipes into a gourmet feasts.

Her sister Maria is quick to agree. “Eloina’s idea of a gourmet dessert is a Hostess Pop-Tart.”

Family criticism aside, Cortes says she has worked hard to improve her cooking skills, and claims that she is not completely lost in the kitchen.  “My knife skills are pretty good,” she says, “but that’s only because I grew up on the tough streets of Mexico City.”

Cortes claims she has taken several cooking classes on the community college level, including 365 Days of Rice and Fun With Frijoles. She is also registered to take Top It With Tapatio early in the Fall.  “I’m just trying to stick with what I’m comfortable with,” she says.

For now, armed with her good looks and charming personality, Cortes has no trouble attracting male attention. But she realizes she will not be a spring pollo forever. “If I don’t catch a man before I’m thirty I may have to move to a convent. Or – dios no lo quiera – I may have to live with Martha.”

Local girl sues Nickelodeon for copyright infringement

Portland, OR – Judy Tan, a local graphic designer, filed suit in Multnomah County Circuit Court today against  Nicklelodeon, claiming the cable network giant usurped her likeness in creating their popular Dora the Explorer character. “She’s a complete rip-off of me,” claimed the doe-eyed Chinese girl with the salad bowl haircut.

Judy Tan, pictured here, accuses Nickelodeon of capitalizing on her innocent look and sweet disposition.

Dora the Explorer first hit the airwaves back in year 2000. So when asked why it has taken her more than 10 years to file suit, Tan admitted, “I’m a bit behind in my TV viewing. In fact, I’ve got about 2 years worth of So You Think You Can Dance on TiVo.”

Even Nickelodeon officials were hard pressed to explain the striking similarities between Judy Tan and their popular cartoon character Dora the Explorer, shown here.

The plaintiff claims she was channel surfing one evening when she suddenly came face-to-face with Dora the Explorer, the intrepid Latina explorer of Nickeloden fame. “It was as though I was looking in the mirror,” claimed Tan. “Sure, she’s a few inches taller than I am, but other than that we could be twins!”

“I have a hard enough time with all Asians looking alike without being mistaken for a Latina cartoon character,” said an outraged Tan. She also insists that the similarities aren’t just physical. “Even her squeaky little voice sounds like mine,” says Tan, “minus the Mexican accent, of course.”

Tan claims the copyright infringement has cost her both financially and emotionally and continues to causes confusion whenever she is in downtown Hillsboro. According to Tan, “I had to fork over 800 bucks for Rosetta Stone just so I could tell the Mexican kids ‘Yo no soy Dora.'”

Nickelodeon officials, while acknowledging a few similarities between their character and Ms. Tan, claim the resemblance is purely coincidental.

Class action paternity suit rocks Nintendo

Mario, the namesake of Nintendo’s biggest selling arcade game, was named in a class action paternity suit filed on behalf of more than 60 children.

Tokyo, Japan – The Nintendo Corporation was rocked today when it was hit by a class action paternity suit. The suit names the company’s iconic mascot, Mario, as the biological father of more than 60 children.

The suit alleges that Mario, known the world over for his jumping and stomping powers, is apparently equally vigorous between the sheets, and sired no fewer than 17 children between 1985 and 1990.

Representatives for the plaintiffs in the case claim the suit was filed to establish moral responsibility for the children, not financial gain. “These children have a right to know who their father is,” said attorney spokesman Daryle Rico. “Being a fictional character does not give anyone the right to be a whoremonger.”

“I grew up wondering who my real dad was,” sobbed Mackenzie Winkle, one of the plaintiffs. “I could always run faster and jump higher than the other kids, but never knew where my athletic ability came from.”

Plaintiffs in a class action paternity suit against Nintendo gather at a recent support group meeting.

For others, the consequences of being a Mario love child have been even greater. “My life has been ruined,” claimed Jane Nguyen. “No guy wants to date a girl with a freaking mustache!”

Nintendo officials expressed disappointment, announcing in a press release,  “Apparently the only obstacle Mario can’t overcome is his own horniness.” Mario, who thus far has refused to take a blood test, was not available for comment.

Until now, Nintendo games have always presented Mario as a silent hero and active in racing and sporting activities. But the company’s software engineers say that future games may be introduced that better match his new image. “Princess Peach and the Beef Bayonet” and “Donkey Dong” are two new games reportedly in production.

News of the law suit was felt in the financial markets as well, with Nintendo stock falling $17 per share on the Nikkei Index.

Bulgarian sophisticate calls off wedding; shitty bridesmaid dresses to blame

Friends say Nikolaeva was not at all pleased with the bridesmaid dresses chosen for her June wedding.

Portland, OR – For most of her adult life, Rositsa Nikolaeva has dreamed of a June wedding. And according to those who know her best, the young woman had been looking forward to her wedding for months. So family and friends were completely shocked when – seemingly out of nowhere – Nikolaeva suddenly called the whole thing off.

By her own admission, Nikolaeva is no longer the simple peasant girl her friends grew up with.

Nikolaeva, who hails from Bulgaria (then again, it might be Romania), claims to have a deep and abiding respect for her country’s cultural traditions. “Where I am from, the bride-to-be leaves all the planning up to her Maid of Honor,” explained Nikolaeva. “All the bride is expected to do is show up and get drunk.”

So when Nikolaeva entrusted her life-long friend Maschinka Madenoff to the task of planning her wedding, she thought she was in good hands. As it turned out, however, Nikolaeva’s dream wedding turned into her worst nightmare.

“I was completely stunned,” claimed Nikolaeva. “The church she chose for the ceremony looked like a barn, and the bridesmaids dresses were flat-out hideous. I wouldn’t care if it was Brad Pitt standing at the alter waiting for me, there was no way I was walking down that aisle!”

The Bulgarian Information Superhighway runs directly past the small church chosen for Nikolaeva’s June nuptials.

Following the sudden postponement, no word was given of a future date. For now, Nikolaeva’s wedding appears to be on permanent hold. “I may have to plan the whole thing myself on my smart phone during my work day,” said Nikolaeva. “I certainly don’t want it cutting into my dance time.”

On a related side note, Bulgaria, which in 2011 was named the worst place in Europe to raise children, now appears to have the inside track on being named the worst place in Europe to marry them off.

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