Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “January, 2012”

Desperate Latina accepts online wedding proposal

Kaiser, OR – Eloina Cortes, a young Mexican woman residing in the US on a work visa, made an unexpected trip to the wedding chapel on Monday when immigration authorities threatened to deport her. According to immigration authorities, Cortes’ work visa had long since expired and she was in the country illegally.

“I was so desperate, I didn’t know what to do,” exclaimed Cortes. “I immediately posted on Facebook that I would accept the first marriage proposal that came along.”

Her lucky husband-to-be turned out to be Daryle Rico, an overweight, undereducated, unemployed bald man with a slight speech impediment. “I wuth thuth lucky, I gith,” lisped Rico. “I was actually trawling the Internet looking for a mail order bride when I came across her post on Facebook. She looked pretty enough in her picture and she sounds very hard-working. I just hope she’ll be able to maintain my current lifestyle.” Rico’s lifestyle presently includes spending hours at a time in front of his computer eating fried foods and guzzling Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Cortes is presently employed by the Salem School District where she works as a Spanish translator at Lee Elementary. “The hours are long,” admitted Cortes, “but at least the pay is low.”

The quickly-arranged ceremony was held in the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart. “I wanted to be able to have all my friends present,” said Cortes. “I just wish they would have had the common courtesy to get out of their cars.”

Cortes' father spared no expense to give his daughter the wedding of her dreams.

Cortes’ father spared no expense to give his daughter the wedding of her dreams.

Following the brief ceremony, and in keeping with Mexican tradition, the bride and groom were whisked to their honeymoon suite at the local Motel 6 by donkey. “The ride was a little bumpy, but not as much as the cheap mattress we had in our room,” admitted Cortes. The donkey was provided by way of donations raised by Cortes’ 5th grade math class.

All told, the wedding cost the bride’s family about $7. “It was more than I wanted to spend,” confessed Cortes’ father, “but she’s my oldest daughter and deserves nothing but the best. Plus, the donkey was wearing a rose on its tail.”

The young couple will be honeymooning at the Bullwinkle’s Arcade in McMinnville until Sunday night — or until Rico runs out of quarters, whichever comes first.

Costa Rican arrested for public indecency

Drunken Costa RicanBellevue, WA – Sergio Villalobos, a local Costa Rican national, was forced to surrender his passport today for allegedly defiling the national hat of Mexico while vacationing in the coastal city of Mazatlan in March of 2011. The incident came to light after photos of Villalobos were posted on Facebook, a popular social media website. The photos show a drunken, pasty white Costa Rican reclining on the beach with one sombrero covering his head and a second sombrero covering his private parts. According to several tourists who were unfortunate witnesses to the event, the sight was nothing short of disgusting.”You just don’t expect that sort of thing on a public beach,” stated Rosita Nikolaeva. “Urination or a dead whale maybe, but never nudity.” Other passers-by were equally horrified.

“I was just fending off some Mexican kids trying to sell me Chicklets,” said Daryle Rico, “when all of a sudden I spotted some drunk trying to catch a few rays. I instantly puked up my taco,” added Rico. “That was twelve pesos shot to hell.”

A third witness, identified as Monica Quintero-Devlaminck, was equally appalled. “The second sombrero was clearly ten sizes too large for him,” insisted Monica. “But it is not uncommon for Costa Rican men to attempt to boast of themselves in such a manner.”

Mexican beach patrol workers quickly whisked the drunken Villalobos off the beach and escorted him to a nearby detox facility. At last report, Villalobos was being held without bail and being charged with public intoxication, indecency and false advertising.

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