Woman’s cross country nature trek ruined by kangaroo photo bomb.

Hobart, Tasmania – When intrepid explorer Mozza Pavlova set out to discover the Outback on her ten-speed bicycle, she had high hopes of capturing her adventures on her trusty iPhone. But it was not until she had returned home that she learned that one of her photos had actually gone viral.

“It wasn’t the best photo of me,” admitted Pavlova. “My helmet was kind of obscuring my bangs.”

Her hairdo aside, what really drew attention was the action going on in the background. While Pavlova thought she was capturing the flat open plain of Tasmania, she was actually preserving a pair of kangaroos in the middle of their mating ritual.

“I was totally shocked!” Pavlova claimed. “They didn’t even have the decency to use the missionary position. He was giving it to her pretty good, too. I hadn’t seen a pounding that hard since the West Coast Eagles defeated Fremantle 15-nil.”

Pavlova says she will try to be more aware of her surroundings in the future. “I try to keep my photos G-rated.”

_{Pavlova (foreground) appears totally unaware of the action going on behind her.}

Australian scuba diver hailed a hero after thwarting deadly shark attack

Cebu, Phillipines – Aussie native Mozza Pavlova was proclaimed a hero after warding off a deadly shark attack last month. The incident occurred while Pavlova and four other divers were guests at the famous Neptune Diving Resort.

Reports state that Pavlova and her group were in mid-dive when they were suddenly attacked by a group of whale sharks. According to her dive partners, it was only Pavlova’s quick thinking that enabled them to avoid certain death. 

“We were all about to become lunch when Mozza peed in her wet suit,” said diving partner Daryle Rico. “The sharks did a 180 right after that!”

Pavlova herself was quite humble about her actions. “To be honest, I wasn’t trying to be a hero,” said Pavlova. “But when I saw those sharks approaching, well, it just scared the piss out of me.”

Marine biologists were quick to add that, despite Pavlova reputation for being a huge beer drinker, her urine posed no serious threat to the local ecosystem.

_{Pavlova, pictured top left, moments after releasing her bladder.}

Paris museum discovers remains of tourist reported lost over 20 years ago

Paris, France – Officials at the Paris Catacombs Museum reported the discovery of the skeletal remains of an Australian tourist reported missing more than 20 years ago. 

The bones are believed to be those of Australian native Mozza Pavlova, who was reported missing while exploring the tunnels in September 2004. According to close friends who had accompanied her to France, Pavlova was incensed by the idea of paying 150 Euros for a guided tour, and set out to explore the famous catacombs on her own. She was never seen again. That was until last Tuesday when the Museum’s Guano Removal Team (GRT) stumbled across her bones while conducting routine cleanup. 

_{This photo, believed to be that last one taken of Poomy, was taken just as she entered the Catacombs.}

“Speaking of guano,” said GRT supervisor Daryle Rico, “you’d have to be bat shit crazy to go exploring the catacombs on your own.”

What actually caused Pavlova to lose her way in the catacombs remains unknown. But experts speculate she may have become disoriented after drinking cheap wine. A half empty bottle of Vin de France was found near her remains, along with a depleted Bic lighter which was believed to be her only light source.

_{Pavlova’s skeletal remains shocked even seasoned forensic scientists.}

According to Museum Operator, Pepé Le Pew, Pavlova’s remains were in perfect condition. “We knew instantly that it was her,” said Le Pew. “There was an empty wrapper of Tim Tams in her purse.” 

A typical tour of the catacombs usually runs about an hour. So when Pavlova failed to appear within 24 hours, her friends became concerned. “We were devastated by Mozza’s disappearance” said childhood friend Christina Danker, who accompanied Pavlova to the underground labyrinth. “She had our tickets to the Louvre.”

Pavlova’s disappearance marks only the second time in the Museum’s long history that anyone has actually gotten lost in the city’s famed underbelly. According to Museum literature, the catacombs hold the remains of some 6 million people. 

Well, make that 6 million and one.

Local wildlife authorities receive reports of cougar stalking local food cart areas

Perth, Australia – Perth residents are advised to be on the lookout for a cougar that has been observed stalking local food truck sites. According to authorities, the cougar has shown particular interest in brawny construction workers and male college students in their early 20’s.

_{Photo of cougar stalking local food trucks.}

“It’s really gotten bad,” complained food truck operator Daryle Rico. “The way she keeps licking her chops while stalking my customers — it’s really disconcerting.”

Rico continued by stating, “This particular cougar is super aggressive. She approached one of my customers asking if he knew the directions to Pound Town. Her intentions are pretty clear, I think.”

According to local wildlife experts, it is rare to see a cougar this active during the daylight hours. Experts speculate that the cougar is either in heat or simply looking for fresh meat.

The cougar is described as female, approximately 50 kg., and wearing skin-tight bicycle shorts.

Malaysian hopscotch champion defaces local landmark

Hollywood, CA – Malaysian hopscotch champion Mozza Pavlova was charged with five counts of vandalism Friday afternoon after allegedly defacing the Hollywood Walk of Fame. According to several eye witness reports, Pavlova was observed, chalk in hand, drawing hopscotch patterns all along the city’s iconic landmark. One of the Hollywood stars she reportedly defaced was that of the immortal legend of Soul Ray Charles. 

“I must have had Georgia on my mind,” explained Pavlova, who blamed an upcoming trip to the Peach State for the reason behind her momentary loss of good judgement.

Pavlova, who is a co-captain of the Malaysian Olympic Hopscotch Team, was released on her own recognisance.

Curators of the famed landmark insist that the vandalism is not permanent, and that the hopscotch patterns should wash away the next time it rains. Local meteorologists predict that should be sometime in early 2028.

Swimsuit model loses nipple in bizarre light saber mishap

Perth, Australia –Famed bikini model Moza Pavlova sustained a potential career-ending injury while fencing at a local gym last Thursday, when her opponent’s light saber sliced off her right nipple. “I should have parried instead of riposting,” explained Pavlova, gently stroking her new band-aid.

According to witnesses, up until the time of the accident, the bout was evenly matched. “I was going tit for tat with her most of the match,” claimed Poomy, “but in the end, it was all tit.”

The mishap, which was documented in a TikTok video, has been viewed over 9 million times.  “I would like to thank my many followers for their kind words this past week. But to Bob in Melbourne, no, I won’t show you my stitches.”

Novice traveler learns why her Airbnb rental was so cheap

Kompong Khelang, Cambodia – World traveler Moza Pavlova has stayed in some of the nicest hotels in the world, so she knows a thing a two about first class accommodations So when she found an apartment in Kompong Khleang, Cambodia for just $3 a night, she couldn’t believe her good luck. But her excitement soon turned to disappointment when she realized why the Airbnb listing was so cheap.

As it turns out, Moza had rented a basement apartment on the Tonlé Sap River, not realizing that the house was one of several in the famed floating village that was actually built on stilts.

“I actually ended up sleeping in a small canoe the first night,” complained Moza. “The gentle rocking of the boat was wonderful,” she explained, “but when I awoke the next morning, I discovered the current had taken me 50 miles out to Tonlé Lake. That’s the last time I visit during the monsoon season.”

Still, Moza has no complaints about the Airbnb listing, and says she will not be asking for a refund. “As a guest in Cambodia, I figured it best not to rock the boat,” said Moza.

Perth woman hatches novel plan to combat nation’s litter problem

Operation Roo involves the enlistment of more than 50,000 wild kangaroos to collect trash along Australia’s roadways.

Canbera, Australia – In what is being hailed as a common sense approach to solving Australia’s rampant litter problem, government officials have announced the launch of Operation Roo. The project, which carries an estimated price tag of 1.5 million dollars, calls for the enlistment of more than 50,000 wild kangaroos to collect litter along the nation’s roadways. The project is the brain child of Mozza Pavlova of Perth, who will spearhead the project.

“I’m really excited by the opportunity to bring my concept to life,” said Pavlova. “I’ve managed projects all over the world, but this is the first time I’ve ever worked with marsupials. This is going to look great on my resume! In fact, prospective employers may even forget all about my trip to Florence,” beamed Pavlova.

According to Pavlova, the program will cost Australians little to implement. “There is no actual training program to finance,” said Pavlova, “and we won’t spend ten cents for vacation pay or maternity leave.”

Pavlova claims she first conceived the idea of an all kangaroo litter patrol while on a recent visit to the Outback. She later clarified that she was referring to the world-famous restaurant chain, not Australia’s remote interior region.

“I just thought to myself, ‘what a waste of talent,’ said Poomy. “Kangaroos are natural-born litter collectors.” Government spokesperson Daryle Rico of the Department of Transport, echoed Poomy’s statement, adding that besides working for free, the kangaroos don’t even require trash bags. “That alone will save thousands of dollars,” claimed Rico.

Critics of Operation Roo say the program could lead to the displacement of thousands of joeys.

Critics of the program call the campaign a national embarrassment. “I can’t believe we are treating our national icon with such disrespect,” said an outraged Hugh Jackman. “If they were recruiting koala bears to collect trash along our nation’s roads, you could bet Australians would be flinging their boomerangs in protest!”

“I seriously doubt we could hire koala bears to do the job,” countered Rico. “Most of them are under contract with Quantas Airlines.”

Local beauty reaches Miss Malaysia Finals; trained water buffalo act fails to impress

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – When local hottie Mozza Pavlova reached the finals of the Miss Malaysia beauty pageant, she thought she had it won. “I was practically counting my roses,” admitted Pavlova, after the event.

The swimsuit competition of the Miss Malaysia Pageant is widely regarded as the world’s most boring.

Pavlova, whose shocking camouflage bikini in the swimsuit competition catapulted her to the final round of five contestants, was counting on the talent portion of the show to put her over the top.

In previous years, Miss Malaysia contestants have sang, danced and even somersaulted their way to the title, but Pavlova decided to surprise the crowd with her famous water buffalo act. “Our performance is not all that difficult,” said Pavlova. “In fact, the hardest part of our routine is getting him to ride the elevator on the way to the stage.”

According to her fans and neighbors, many of whom braved the arduous 125 mile trek from her hometown of Ipok, Perak to watch her perform, Pavlova and her water buffalo present a dramatic contrast in size and shape when on stage. Pavlova, who weighs barely 100 pounds soaking wet is dwarfed by her pet who tips the scales at over 1,200 pounds. “I don’t know why he’s such a fat ass,” complained Poomy, “I’ve had him on a vegetarian diet all his life.”

Pavlova and her pet water buffalo have trained together for nearly 20 years.

Says Pavlova, she and her pet have been entertaining neighborhood families for years, earning wild ovations with her impressive feats of balance and coordination. “When I was a little girl, I would juggle mangoes while tap-dancing on his back,” bragged Pavlova. “Even then I knew how to wow a crowd!”

The Kuala Lumpur Amphitheater, which hosted the Miss Malaysia Pageant, is left in shambles.

Alas, Pavlova’s dreams of fame and fortune were not meant to be. For as the crowd welcomed her and her pet with a thunderous round of applause, her water buffalo panicked and stampeded into the audience, bringing the pageant to an abrupt end.

“Well, ” sighed a disappointed Pavlova, “he always knew how to bring a crowd to its feet.”

Angry Malaysian claims wool mattress is over-rated

Perth, Australia – When Mozza Pavlova found a new sleep system for sale in the local newspaper, she thought her dreams of a better night’s sleep were about to come true. But after three sleepless nights, the pretty young sleepyhead has found herself wanting her money back.

“I was completely ripped-off,” Pavlova declared. “For starters, I was told I was getting a ‘complete sleep system’. Instead, all I got was a lumpy wool mattress. Secondly, I was not even told that I would have to do all my sleeping outdoors!”

Pavlova’s disappointment didn’t end there, however. “Have you ever tried sleeping on a herd of sheep?” asked Pavlova. “So far, I have ended up nine miles from my house, and there is isn’t a decent patch of grass left in the neighborhood!”

While initially excited about her new bed, Pavlova says sleeping on a wool mattress definitely has its disadvantages. “I’ve never had to feed my bed before,” says Pavlova, “and I really don’t have time to be shoveling sheep poop all day.”

Pavlova sheepishly admits that she may have been tricked into making her new purchase. “You know,” says Pavlova, “I’m a college educated girl. So I’m a bit surprised that anyone could pull the wool over my eyes quite this easily.”

So far, Pavlova has been unsuccessful in getting a refund. “At this rate,” says Pavlova, “I may just cut my losses and hold a barbecue.”