Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the category “Featured”

Perth woman hatches novel plan to combat nation’s litter problem

Operation Roo

Operation Roo involves the enlistment of more than 50,000 wild kangaroos to collect trash along Australia’s roadways.

Canbera, Australia – In what is being hailed as a common sense approach to solving Australia’s rampant litter problem, government officials have announced the launch of Operation Roo. The project, which carries an estimated price tag of 1.5 million dollars, calls for the enlistment of more than 50,000 wild kangaroos to collect litter along the nation’s roadways. The project is the brain child of Mona Poomy of Perth, who will spearhead the project.

“I’m really excited by the opportunity to bring my concept to life,” said Poomy. “I’ve managed projects all over the world, but this is the first time I’ve ever worked with marsupials. This is going to look great on my resume! In fact, prospective employers may even forget all about my trip to Florence,” beamed Poomy.

According to Poomy, the program will cost Australians little to implement. “There is no actual training program to finance,” said Poomy, “and we won’t spend ten cents for vacation pay or maternity leave.”

Poomy claims she first conceived the idea of an all kangaroo litter patrol while on a recent visit to the Outback. She later clarified that she was referring to the world-famous restaurant chain, not Australia’s remote interior region.

“I just thought to myself, ‘what a waste of talent,’ said Poomy. “Kangaroos are natural-born litter collectors.” Government spokesperson Daryle Rico of the Department of Transport, echoed Poomy’s statement, adding that besides working for free, the kangaroos don’t even require trash bags. “That alone will save thousands of dollars,” claimed Rico.

Displaced Joey

Critics of Operation Roo say the program could lead to the displacement of thousands of joeys.

Critics of the program call the campaign a national embarrassment. “I can’t believe we are treating our national icon with such disrespect,” said an outraged Hugh Jackman. “If they were recruiting koala bears to collect trash along our nation’s roads, you could bet Australians would be flinging their boomerangs in protest!”

“I seriously doubt we could hire koala bears to do the job,” countered Rico. “Most of them are under contract with Quantas Airlines.”

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Local beauty reaches Miss Malaysia Finals; trained water buffalo act fails to impress

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – When local hottie Mona Poomy reached the finals of the Miss Malaysia beauty pageant, she thought she had it won. “I was practically counting my roses,” admitted Poomy, after the event.

Malaysian Swimsuit Competition

The swimsuit competition of the Miss Malaysia Pageant is widely regarded as the world’s most boring.

Poomy, whose shocking camouflage bikini in the swimsuit competition catapulted her to the final round of five contestants, was counting on the talent portion of the show to put her over the top.

In previous years, Miss Malaysia contestants have sang, danced and even somersaulted their way to the title, but Poomy decided to surprise the crowd with her famous water buffalo act. “Our performance is not all that difficult,” said Poomy. “In fact, the hardest part of our routine is getting him to ride the elevator on the way to the stage.”

According to her fans and neighbors, many of whom braved the arduous 125 mile trek from her hometown of Ipok, Perak to watch her perform, Poomy and her water buffalo present a dramatic contrast in size and shape when on stage. Poomy, who weighs barely 100 pounds soaking wet is dwarfed by her pet who tips the scales at over 1,200 pounds. “I don’t know why he’s such a fat ass,” complained Poomy, “I’ve had him on a vegetarian diet all his life.”

Little Mona and water buffalo

Poomy and her pet water buffalo have trained together for nearly 20 years.

Says Poomy, she and her pet have been entertaining neighborhood families for years, earning wild ovations with her impressive feats of balance and coordination. “When I was a little girl, I would juggle mangoes while tap-dancing on his back,” bragged Poomy. “Even then I knew how to wow a crowd!”

Stampeded Auditorium

The Kuala Lumpur Amphitheater, which hosted the Miss Malaysia Pageant, is left in shambles.

Alas, Poomy’s dreams of fame and fortune were not meant to be. For as the crowd welcomed her and her pet with a thunderous round of applause, her water buffalo panicked and stampeded into the audience, bringing the pageant to an abrupt end.

“Well, ” sighed a disappointed Poomy, “he always knew how to bring a crowd to its feet.”

Baby Alex, Share Your Toys

Baby Alex Share Your Toys poem

Lifetime Network set to produce life story of Brittney Alexa Vega

New York City, New York – Lifetime Network announced today it plans to produce a new movie based on the life of former furniture model Brittney Alexa Vega. The movie, titled “Brittney, The Early Years,” chronicles Miss Vega’s earliest days as a model in the glitzy world of upholstered furniture.

Brittney Alexa Vega

Former world famous upholstery model Brittney Vega in her first professional photo shoot, moments after her birth.

According to family and friends, Miss Vega began her modeling career right out of the womb when her mother gave birth to her on the showroom floor of a local Lazy Boy Furniture Gallery.

Says Vega, her mother was checking out a new leather recliner when all of a sudden her water broke. “Mom says it felt like a piñata just exploded between her legs,” exclaimed Vega. “The next thing she knew, boom, there I was.”

Although Vega was too young to personally recall any of the details surrounding her first photo shoot, the event was captured in a series of family photos.

“I don’t know what it is,” said Vega, “but every time I see that first photo of me I can’t help but feel a cold breeze on my butt.”

The new Lifetime movie is scheduled for release April 15, just in time for the launch of the new Spring line of  Lazy Boy recliners.

Dad teaches son poker; promptly loses his shirt

Jordan with cards

Little Jordan shows off his new playing cards.

Portland, OR – When Jerold Rico sat down to teach his five-year old son Jordan how to play poker, he thought he had an obstructed path to the boy’s piggy bank. Little did he know that he’d be the one learning a thing or two about the game.

“His uncle Daryle gave him a new deck of playing cards,” explained Jerold, “so I thought I’d teach him a man’s game.” Unbeknownst to dear old dad, however, Jordan had been shuffling cards and playing poker since he was 2 years old.

Ante Up

Jordan waits patiently for his daddy to ante up after winning yet another hand.

Not long after he was filling his diaper, Jordan was filling inside straights and doubling down – skills he mastered while watching poker tournaments on ESPN.  “Jordan is glued to the World Poker Tour,” said his mother, Ellen. “Most kids his age would be watching SpongeBob Squarepants, but he’s got his sights set on winning  a World Series of Poker bracelet.”

“I kinda thought he was picking things up pretty fast,” said his dad, looking back on the night’s events. “I should have been suspicious when he backdoored his way into a full house on the first hand.” The elder Rico estimates he lost about fifty bucks during the night as well as a few items of jewelry.

According to Jordan’s mother, her husband became so desperate to win, that at one point she caught him dealing from the bottom of the deck. “I feel kind of bad for cheating my own son,” confessed Jerold,  “but I was just sick and tired of the way he kept playing with my new wristwatch.”

Proud as she is of her son’s poker proficiency, Jordan’s mom worries that his gambling is getting out of control. “He has been sent home twice already for looking for action at the local daycare,” she said.

Underage drinker charged in recent driving mishap

Drunk BabyPortland, OR – Police investigators looking into a single car accident that occurred last Friday evening have concluded that the mishap was the result of drinking and driving. The driver of the vehicle, who was uninjured, was reportedly found just a few feet away from his overturned vehicle with a bottle in his hand. Authorities speculate that the driver managed to crawl away from his vehicle shortly after it overturned.

“It’s pretty clear he had been drinking behind the wheel,” said lead investigator Daryle Rico of the Oregon State Patrol. “When we found him passed out near his car, he still had a death grip on his bottle.”

The identity of the driver was not revealed because of his underage status. No other vehicles were involved in the mishap, and only minor property damage was reported. “It could have been a lot worse,” acknowledged Rico. “He could have pooped his diaper.”

Local tot lands leading role in Broadway musical

New York, NY – Broadway producers announced plans to produce a revival of the classic Rodgers and Hammerstein hit “The King and I.” In a casting move that surprised many Broadway critics, however, the role of the king was given to a local 3 year old who has never before perfumed in public.

Pajamas

Madden Ho, a local 3 year old, has been cast to play the lead role in Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “The King and I.”

“Our strategy is two-fold,” said producer Daryle Rico, who is bankrolling the production. “First, we want to appeal to a younger audience that has never even a Broadway musical before, and secondly, we think Madden simply looks great in silk pajamas.”

Yul Brynner

Madden follows in the pointed shoes of Yul Brynner who first starred in the role.

Marketing strategy aside, critics question casting such a young actor who has never performed in public – let alone appeared on a Broadway stage. “It’s a bit of a gamble,  alright,” said Rico. “We are definitely putting all our egg rolls in one basket.”

Ticket sales for the premier, slated for April 15, 2014 have been slow thus far. “We’ve sold a total of two seats so far, admitted Rico, “both to his mother.”

Dinosaurs extinction linked to acid indigestion

dino snackPerth, Australia – For decades, scientists have postulated that the extinction of the dinosaur was probably brought about a sudden cataclysmic event, such a meteor striking the earth or a worldwide ice age. But new evidence now reveals it may have been no more than simple indigestion.

Scientists studying ancient cave drawings discovered near Perth, have concluded that dinosaurs were rather fond of eating cave women. Their ravenous appetites, they hypothesize, may have brought about the downfall of the mighty reptiles.

“You might say the writing was on the wall with respect to the demise of the dinosaur,” said head researcher Daryle Rico. “You can’t just go around eating primitive women and not expect to answer for it later.”

According to Rico, many of the cave drawings depict nubile young cave women being chased down by their predators. Other cave markings seem to refer to women of the clan as “the other white meat.”

Other scientists are unconvinced, however, and were quick to point out that most of the so-called “cave drawings” appear to have been done with aerosol spray paint.

Diminutive tourist meets Abominable Snowman

Abominable SnowmanLhasa, Tibet – When little Kellie Campbell set out to visit exotic Tibet last month, she knew she was in store for some new experiences, but she never dreamed her adventures would include a face-to-face meeting with the infamous Abominable Snowman.

“I was kinda hoping to meet the Dali Lama,” said Kellie,  “but this was even cooler!”

According to Kellie, it all happened when she was traipsing across the snow covered Himalayas on her way to India. She had been warned by several natives to be on the lookout for the notorious Yeti – as the Abominable Snowman is known by the locals, but she dismissed their concerns as simply a legend. “I grew up listening to stories about Sasquatch,” said Kellie, “so I was pretty skeptical about this huge albino dude everyone was talking about.”

Kellie recalled she was trudging through the snow when a huge bear-like creature popped up out of nowhere. “He nearly knocked me off my yak!” exclaimed Kellie.

What ensued was a classic battle of David vs. Goliath, with Kellie minus a slingshot. “I knew I had to defend myself somehow,” Kellie explained, “so I just reached for the two biggest snowballs I could find.” Unbeknownst to Kellie, the “snowballs” were actually the Yeti’s gonads, and her quick thinking and vise-like grip probably saved her life.

“As souvenirs go, they won’t look very pretty on my mantle,” said Kellie, “but you’ve got to admit, they’re great conversation starters.”

Mexican drag queens selected to high school cheer squad

Woodburn, OR –  When Giovanni Bazan and Alberto Flores take to the baseball field this Friday night, it won’t be to hit home runs or catch fly balls in the outfield for the Fighting Chihuahuas of Tostada High. Instead, the two amigos will be entertaining the fans as the newest members of the the high school cheerleading squad.

Gio AlbertoThe two boys, who are self-proclaimed drag queens, were recently selected to the squad by a popular vote of the high school student body.

“I wasn’t surprised,” said high school classmate Eloina Cortes. “They have some of the best legs in the senior class.”

Of course, not everyone at the school is thrilled with the latest addition to the cheer squad. “We will be the laughing stock of the Mid-Willamette Conference,” said one athlete who requested anonymity.

Head cheerleader Lorena Jaime, has mixed feelings about her new cheer mates. “They have a lot to learn about shaking their pom-poms,” said Jamie, “but at least we have a good foundation for our pyramid routine.”

“Gio and Alberto are to be congratulated,” said high school principal Daryle Rico. “It takes a lot of courage for a boy to wear a skirt. I just wish they had thought twice about wearing g-strings.”

 

Bazan and Flores were unavailable for comment, as both were busy picking out their prom dresses.

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