Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “November, 2012”

Snuggles the Bear found frozen to death

The lifeless body of Snuggles the Bear, moments before it was ripped from the frozen tundra.

Clearlake, Minnesota – Fish & Wildlife investigators made a chilling discovery this morning when the body of Snuggles the Bear was found frozen solid following a night of freezing temperatures which swept upstate Minnesota. Snuggles, who was known nationally as the mascot for Snuggle Fabric Softener was 3 years old.

“I bet he’d give anything to be shoved in a nice warm dryer right about now,” said Fish & Wildlife investigator Daryle Rico, as he ripped Snuggles’ frozen carcass off a sheet of ice. “It just goes to show you when it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go.”

Forensic investigators were quick to note that, because of the freezing conditions, Snuggles’ body was found in near perfect condition, adding that it also had a delightful spring-fresh scent.

Authorities would not speculate as to how Snuggles may have wandered away from the laundry room and become stuck outside overnight. But a pile of cigarette butts and a half-fifth of Jack Daniels were found near his lifeless body.

Sun Products, the makers of Snuggles Fabric Softener, announced that a nationwide search would be launched immediately to find a successor.


One year old conks out during Black Friday shopping spree

Little Mason Ly sleep walks down aisle 23 of his neighborhood Wal-Mart during his first Black Friday.

Beaverton, OR – When Mason Ly joined his mommy for his first Black Friday shopping spree yesterday, he could barely contain his enthusiasm. “He was definitely excited about it,” said his mother Frenchy. “All the Toys R Us commercials really had him ramped up.”

Mason’s first ever Black Friday began promptly at midnight with a trip to Wal-Mart where he was greeted by a Civil War veteran posing as Santa Claus. But less than one hour into the shopping spree little Mason was completely conked out, falling asleep while steering his shopping cart down aisle 23. “He was completely pooped,” said Frenchy, “and I’m not talking about his diaper.”

Unable to pack her son and complete her shopping, Frenchy was forced to call it a night by 1 am. “I didn’t get a single gift marked off my list,” griped Frenchy “except the half case of Tecate I got Trissa. I guess there’s always next year.”

Chicken family reunited at local KFC restaurant

Chicken Daddy is all a flutter upon meeting his baby girl after years apart.

Portland, OR – In what many are calling the most incredible reunification since the fall of the Berlin Wall, a local rooster and his baby chick were reunited today after years of separation. Ironically, the family get-together took place at a neighborhood Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant where both father and daughter were applying for the same part-time job.

Restaurant guests were moved to tears at the sight. “I can’t blame them for crying,” said chicken daddy Daryle Rico. “My legs aren’t nearly as sexy as they used to be.”

Baby chicklet greets her daddy with open wings.

Onlookers were amazed by the family resemblance, with both daddy and daughter sharing nearly an identical wing span.

“There was a family resemblance alright,” said Ngan Hoang, wiping gravy from her lips with a moist towelette. “You could tell right away they were birds of a feather.”

Other restaurant guests appeared unmoved by the event, including Todd Er, a local bee farmer. “I wasn’t not all that surprised,” said Er. “I come here to pick up chicks all the time.”

As for daddy chicken and his daughter, however, their reunion could not have come at a better time.  “I just hope we survive Thanksgiving,” said Rico.

Hunting tragedy spells lights out for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Three year old Charlie Heston sits astride the bullet-riddled carcass of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

North Pole – The Christmas season was dealt a serious blow on Friday when Rudolph the red nosed reindeer was shot and killed during routine training exercises.

Taken into custody was 3 year old Charlie Heston who, according to Fish & Wildlife officials, was hunting with his father at the time of the killing. “It was a clean shot,” said his proud papa. “He got him right between the eyes!”

Little Charlie seemed unaware of what he had done. When told that he had taken down one of the world’s most beloved Christmas icons, his initial concern was whether or not he would be put on Santa’s Naughty list.

Santa Claus , Rudolph’s long-time traveling companion, said he knew it was only a matter of time before such a tragedy might occur. “That crazy Rudolph had a habit of  sticking his nose where it didn’t belong,” claimed Santa, “and that’s the last thing a reindeer should be doing during hunting season.”

Prancer and Dancer pay no mind to a dying Rudolph lying just a few yards away.

Rudolph’s fellow reindeer appeared unperturbed by their friend’s murder. “Well, I guess he won’t be joining us in any more reindeer games,” said Cupid.

Santa added that he will be back to his regular crew of eight tiny reindeer this year. “I just hope we don’t have another foggy Christmas Eve,” he said.

Experts said it was too early to tell how the shooting might impact the holiday shopping season. Retailers, already reeling from a sluggish economy, fear Rudolph’s demise may be the death knell for them as well.

“This is really going to put a crimp in my sales,” said Todd Er, owner of The Venison Shoppe. “Who is going to want to eat deer meat after this?”

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