Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “January, 2014”

Dad teaches son poker; promptly loses his shirt

Jordan with cards

Little Jordan shows off his new playing cards.

Portland, OR – When Jerold Rico sat down to teach his five-year old son Jordan how to play poker, he thought he had an obstructed path to the boy’s piggy bank. Little did he know that he’d be the one learning a thing or two about the game.

“His uncle Daryle gave him a new deck of playing cards,” explained Jerold, “so I thought I’d teach him a man’s game.” Unbeknownst to dear old dad, however, Jordan had been shuffling cards and playing poker since he was 2 years old.

Ante Up

Jordan waits patiently for his daddy to ante up after winning yet another hand.

Not long after he was filling his diaper, Jordan was filling inside straights and doubling down – skills he mastered while watching poker tournaments on ESPN.  “Jordan is glued to the World Poker Tour,” said his mother, Ellen. “Most kids his age would be watching SpongeBob Squarepants, but he’s got his sights set on winning  a World Series of Poker bracelet.”

“I kinda thought he was picking things up pretty fast,” said his dad, looking back on the night’s events. “I should have been suspicious when he backdoored his way into a full house on the first hand.” The elder Rico estimates he lost about fifty bucks during the night as well as a few items of jewelry.

According to Jordan’s mother, her husband became so desperate to win, that at one point she caught him dealing from the bottom of the deck. “I feel kind of bad for cheating my own son,” confessed Jerold,  “but I was just sick and tired of the way he kept playing with my new wristwatch.”

Proud as she is of her son’s poker proficiency, Jordan’s mom worries that his gambling is getting out of control. “He has been sent home twice already for looking for action at the local daycare,” she said.

Underage drinker charged in recent driving mishap

Drunk BabyPortland, OR – Police investigators looking into a single car accident that occurred last Friday evening have concluded that the mishap was the result of drinking and driving. The driver of the vehicle, who was uninjured, was reportedly found just a few feet away from his overturned vehicle with a bottle in his hand. Authorities speculate that the driver managed to crawl away from his vehicle shortly after it overturned.

“It’s pretty clear he had been drinking behind the wheel,” said lead investigator Daryle Rico of the Oregon State Patrol. “When we found him passed out near his car, he still had a death grip on his bottle.”

The identity of the driver was not revealed because of his underage status. No other vehicles were involved in the mishap, and only minor property damage was reported. “It could have been a lot worse,” acknowledged Rico. “He could have pooped his diaper.”

Local tot lands leading role in Broadway musical

New York, NY – Broadway producers announced plans to produce a revival of the classic Rodgers and Hammerstein hit “The King and I.” In a casting move that surprised many Broadway critics, however, the role of the king was given to a local 3 year old who has never before perfumed in public.

Pajamas

Madden Ho, a local 3 year old, has been cast to play the lead role in Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “The King and I.”

“Our strategy is two-fold,” said producer Daryle Rico, who is bankrolling the production. “First, we want to appeal to a younger audience that has never even a Broadway musical before, and secondly, we think Madden simply looks great in silk pajamas.”

Yul Brynner

Madden follows in the pointed shoes of Yul Brynner who first starred in the role.

Marketing strategy aside, critics question casting such a young actor who has never performed in public – let alone appeared on a Broadway stage. “It’s a bit of a gamble,  alright,” said Rico. “We are definitely putting all our egg rolls in one basket.”

Ticket sales for the premier, slated for April 15, 2014 have been slow thus far. “We’ve sold a total of two seats so far, admitted Rico, “both to his mother.”

Dinosaurs extinction linked to acid indigestion

dino snackPerth, Australia – For decades, scientists have postulated that the extinction of the dinosaur was probably brought about a sudden cataclysmic event, such a meteor striking the earth or a worldwide ice age. But new evidence now reveals it may have been no more than simple indigestion.

Scientists studying ancient cave drawings discovered near Perth, have concluded that dinosaurs were rather fond of eating cave women. Their ravenous appetites, they hypothesize, may have brought about the downfall of the mighty reptiles.

“You might say the writing was on the wall with respect to the demise of the dinosaur,” said head researcher Daryle Rico. “You can’t just go around eating primitive women and not expect to answer for it later.”

According to Rico, many of the cave drawings depict nubile young cave women being chased down by their predators. Other cave markings seem to refer to women of the clan as “the other white meat.”

Other scientists are unconvinced, however, and were quick to point out that most of the so-called “cave drawings” appear to have been done with aerosol spray paint.

Post Navigation