Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “April, 2013”

Naive Latina confuses maitre d’ for elderly playboy millionaire

Linda Maldonado mistakenly confuses a maitre d' for a self made millionaire

Linda Maldonado mistakenly confuses a maitre d’ for a self made millionaire

Portland, OR – The last thing you could accuse Linda Maldonado of being is a gold digger. So when the sexy Latina sidled up to the handsome maitre d’ during a recent night on the town, most onlookers assumed she was just asking for a second salad fork. Come to find out, however, Maldonado had simply confused the man in the tuxedo for a rich playboy.

“I was so embarrassed for her,” said Portland resident Kristi Lemos, who witnessed the event from a nearby table. “Clearly his only means of support was the truss he was wearing inside his trousers.”

As it turned out, the maitre ‘d was no other than Daryle Rico, one of Maldonado’s regular salsa partners. “I didn’t even recognize him,” confessed a blushing Maldonado afterwards. “I didn’t think I’d see him looking that good until he was laying face up in an open casket.”

“Linda is always making that mistake,” said her boyfriend Israel Guerrero. “I once caught her flirting with a parking lot attendant who was wearing the same exact tuxedo – minus the extra-strength cummerbund.”

Rico’s rejection was compounded about an hour later when Maldonado neglected to tip him the customary 15%.

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Lazy good-for-nothing nominated for prestigious blog award

Rico reacts to being nominated for prestigious Liebster Award.

Rico reacts to being nominated for the prestigious Liebster Award.

Portland, OR – In act that baffles most literary purists, amateur blogger Daryle Rico was nominated for the prestigious Liebster Award by fellow blogger A.J. Goode. Goode, whose blog can be found by clicking this link, was not available to defend her actions, but most of Rico’s readers assume she was probably just too hard pressed to come up with an eleventh and final blogger to nominate.

Nevertheless, Rico was thrilled by his nomination. “I am really quite tickled,” said Rico. “Who would have ever guessed that stealing photos from Facebook albums and making up lies about my friends would ever bring me such fame and fortune?”

Rico estimates that he has pissed off no fewer than 50 of his closest friends with his blog, some of them on multiple occasions. His list of victims reads like a Who’s Who of literary characters and name brand grocery products, including Winnie the Pooh, Snuggles the bear, Barney the dinosaur, and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Sergio Villalobos, one of Rico’s favorite foils was unimpressed by his nomination. “It just goes to prove that the only way Rico can move up in this world is by climbing on the backs of others,” fumed a bitter Villalobos.

Rico demonstrates his ability to follow rules by displaying the Liebster award logo prominently within his post.

Rico demonstrates his ability to follow rules by displaying the Liebster award logo prominently within his post.

In keeping with the requirements of the nomination, Rico was quick to post the following:

The Rules:

  1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.
  2. Post 11  facts about yourself, answer the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
  3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
  4. Display the Liebster Award logo.
  5. No tag back thingys.

Eleven utterly random facts about Daryle Rico:

1. I have one of the largest hot sauce collections on the West Coast.
2. I was the student body president of my high school.
3. I once completed a pass to Joe Montana.
4. I once produced six songs for a children’s music video.
5. I am one of six boys in my family – and the most handsome of the lot.
6. I have seen the Mona Lisa, the Liberty Bell and the Alamo.
7. I have stood atop the World Trade Center.
8. I once played golf in 117 degree heat.
9. When I was 5 years old, I was knocked down by a Black Lab and broke my collar bone.
10. I have destroyed “Young Girl” in at least 5 different karaoke bars.
11. I have been asked to speak at two high school graduation ceremonies

Eleven Questions Asked by His Nominee:

1. If you could be a superhero, what power would you want? I would be INS Agent Man and have the power to deport Sergio Villalobos back to Costa Rica.
2. Coke or Pepsi? Coke – the real one. Not Diet, not Lime, not Zero.
3. What do you believe in? I believe in love at first sight. I also believe it’s time for a beer.
4. Who inspires you? My favorite writer is Tom Robbins. My favorite comedian in George Carlin. I am inspired by the words of John F. Kennedy.
5. Are you an Old Soul or Young at Heart? I hope I am Young at Heart.
6. What was your first job? Setting clay pigeons at a gun range for shooters to shoot at.
7. If you could go back in time and change one event in history, what would it be? I would tell President Lincoln that Our American Cousin is over-rated and to stay home that night.
8. What is your dream car? I dream of driving a Kia Soul just to pick up gerbils. Oh wait, that doesn’t even sound right…
9. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Gosh, that’s tough. It would either be lasagna or rhubarb pie. No wait, make it rhubarb lasagna.
10. Dog person or cat person? I love dogs. I tolerate cats.
11. What one place would you like to visit before you die? I would like to see the Philippines and dance with Gladys Ramos on the beach.

My 11 nominees:

http://ohgodmywifeisgernam.com
http://texanaskitchen.com/
http://breakroomstories.com/
http://idiotprufs.com/
http://hopeforandrew.org/
http://dysfunctionalliteracy.com/
http://mollytopia.com
http://blog.doingsciencetostuff.com
http://itsyowyow.com
http://furrynuff.wordpress.com
http://angelforisrael.wordpress.com

Distracted Latina inadvertently re-friends stalker

Eloina Cortes reacts with horror upon realizing she just accepted a friend request from her former stalker.

Eloina Cortes reacts with horror upon realizing she just accepted a friend request from her former stalker.

Kaiser, OR – Eloina Cortes, a local Facebook user, reacted with horror today when she realized she had inadvertently re-friended a former stalker. “Aish,” exclaimed Cortes, “it took me six months to get rid of him, and now ‘presto’, he’s back in my life!”

Her stalker’s late night phone calls and incessant text messaging lead to his being de-friended last March. But according to Cortes, the final straw was his annoying FarmVille updates. “I was receiving dozens of them every day,” claimed Cortes. “Just look at me,” she asked, posing in a new bridesmaid’s dress, “do I look like a farmer? The closest I have come to being near a pig was my last lunch date with Alberto Flores!”

Cortes, who declined to mention her stalker by name for fear of inflating his king-sized ego, blamed the accident on her innate ability to multi-task. “I was cooking frijoles and updating my Facebook status at the same time,” explained Cortes. That’s what I get for trying to use my smart phone as a cooking utensil.”

Cortes, claims that she receives approximately 200 friend requests a week. “Some are friends of friends,” she says. “But most are Mexican nationals looking for a girl with a green card.”

Cortes is as yet undecided whether or not she will de-friend her stalker right away. “I might give him another chance,” she said. “Besides, my alarm clock is broken, so I may need his 5 AM text messages to get me out of bed in time for work.”

Neighbor’s dog has annoying habit of ruining family photos

Sparky the dog ruins yet another family photo.

Sparky the dog ruins yet another family photo.

Portland, OR – What was sort of cute in the beginning has become a regular pain in the ass, as Frenchy Ly has lost yet another family photo op to her best friend’s dog.

Says Ly, “That damn dog is always doing something in the background. If he’s not taking a dump he’s licking himself – or worse.”

According to Ly, Sparky the dog has a sixth sense for knowing whenever a photo is about to be taken. “Lo and behold, he’ll be right there to ruin it any way he can,” claims Ly. Ly says she has lost count of how many photos Sparky has actually ruined, but estimates the number to be in the hundreds.

“I haven’t been able to post a decent photo on Facebook in over 4 months,” complained Ly.

Ly went on to say that even her one-year old son is catching on to the dog’s antics. “Mason refuses to pose with him anymore,” says Ly. “Before I know it, he’ll be off to college and I’ll have no record of his childhood.”

Initially, Ly considered asking her friend to have her dog put down. Cooler heads have prevailed, however, and Ly is now considering investing in Photoshop.

2-year old descends Mt. Hood atop Krispy Kreme donut

Crispy CremePortland, OR – Little Madden Ho set a world speed record today when he descended Oregon’s famous Mt. Hood in a time of 7 minutes 23-seconds. Even more incredible was the fact that he set the record riding atop a Krispy Kreme donut.

“It was an upside down glazed donut to be specific,” beamed his proud mother, Kieu Ho. “We would have set it right side up, but I didn’t want to get chocolate on his good pants.”

Over 100 skiers and snowboarders witnessed the event. “He was the proverbial greased lighting,” said snow bunny Daryle Rico. “But in his case, I guess it was more like ”glazed’ lightning.”

Researchers from Guinness World Records, who were on hand to authenticate the record, credit a strong back wind and Madden’s low profile for his speedy descent down the 11,250 ft. mountain. “In the reclined position, he was only about 18 inches off the ground,” stated Sir Edmund Howell of Guinness, “so there was practically no wind resistance working against him.”

Madden, who was sporting a slight case of freezer burn on his cheeks following his record-setting feat, was unavailable for comment, as he was already in the lift line to make a second attempt.

Sexy Latina told once again to “go put some clothes on”

Tualatin, OR – For the umpteenth time this week, neighbors of Tualatin resident Linda Maldonado have asked the sexy señorita to go put some clothes on. Maldonado, neighbors claim, is in the habit of parading about her condominium community in all manners of undress.

Linda Maldonado

According to next door neighbor Daryle Rico, there is just no telling what Maldonado will show up wearing – or not wearing – next. “My rent has tripled since I first moved here,” said Rico reaching for his binoculars. “But there is just no way I would ever move.”

Heart-Attack

Maldonado’s sexy attire has claimed two lives since January.

Other neighbors are less enthusiastic about the young woman’s questionable attire. “We have a lot of older men in the neighborhood,” said Evelyn Hunt, president of the community’s homeowners association. “She’s sent three seniors into cardiac arrest just this month, and it’s only mid-April.”

Maldonado relaxes at her condo's laundry facility while waiting for her undies to dry.

Maldonado relaxes at her condo’s laundry facility while waiting for her undies to dry.

Maldonado’s boyfriend, Israel Guerrero, refused to take sides on the issue. “Personally, I like the way Linda dresses,” said Guerrero, “but I’ll admit it is a bit tiring to have to step over old men in the parking lot just to get to the condo.”

The homeowners association admits they have no legal authority to force Maldonado to alter her attire. At the same time, they express concerns for community safety in the months ahead.

“Good grief,” said Hunt “if this is how she dresses when it’s 40 degrees outside, I hate to think of what we’ll be seeing once the weather warms up.”

 

Hound humbled in backyard brawl

Portland, OR – In what neighbors are calling a classic example of being “all bark and no bite,” Cohiba Cox, a 100 lb. golden lab, was humbled early Sunday morning in a backyard altercation with the neighborhood cat. According to witnesses, the two were involved in a heated exchange over flea collars when that cat suddenly unleashed a left cross to Cohiba’s right cheek, sending the dog ass over tea kettle.

Cohiba, who outweighed the cat by over 90 lbs. was clearly embarrassed and made a hasty retreat from the scene.

laughing stock

A neighbor’s smart phone catches the defining blow of the argument.

“She caught me with a cheap shot,” claimed Cohiba afterwards, still wincing from the blow. “And her nails haven’t been trimmed in over a month.”

Witnesses expressed surprise over the incident, particularly over the brevity of the battle. “It wasn’t much of a fight at all,” said neighbor Daryle Rico, who viewed the altercation from his kitchen window. “Kind of makes you wonder which of them was the real pussy.”

The cat, which was not identified, reportedly sauntered off to groom itself and catch up on its 18-hour nap.

Washington beaches still awash with ugly tsunami debris

Eyesore


Washington beachcombers report numerous eyesores like this one in recent months.

Pacific Beach State Park, WA – Tsunami debris, the aftermath of a devastating earthquake that shook Japan over two years ago, continues to wash onto Washington beaches. More than 200,000 buildings were washed out to sea by the enormous waves that followed the magnitude 9.0 earthquake on March 11, 2011. Cars, boats, lumber, plastic buoys and even whole houses have made their way to Washington beaches ever since.

Longtime beachcomber Daryle Rico is trying to take it all in stride. “I can deal with the cars and body parts I find along the shore,” says Rico. “To me, the biggest eyesore is that ugly Costa Rican I see strolling on the beach.”

Scientists state that once the debris field reaches the U.S. West coast, it will turn clock-wise toward Hawaii and back again toward Asia, circulating in what is known as the North Pacific Gyre. The gyre is the largest ecosystem on Earth and is the site of an unusually large collection of man-made debris, and is known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Thousands of Washingtonians have volunteered their time to clear the beach of most of the garbage that has sailed across the Pacific, but scientists predict more debris is in store.

According to a spokesperson from the Washington CoastSavers, “We can handle most of the trash that is arriving from Japan, but there is not much we can do about those smarmy Costa Ricans.”

Houston hottie’s smile takes a back seat to her back seat

Brittney Alex VegaHouston, TX – Local Latina heart-throb Brittney Alexa Vega was informed today that her smile – pretty as it is, is not the main focal point of her amateur photographer friends. According to an official audit conducted by Facebook, of the more than 1,000 photos in her online photo albums, nearly 800 of them are of her butt.

Facebook representative Daryle Rico, who conducted the audit stated, “I’m pretty sure my numbers are accurate. I counted her photos 14 times.”

“I can’t say that I am totally surprised,” blushed Brittney upon hearing the news. “So much for wearing braces for 2 1/2 years.”

According to Brittney, it’s not just the guys who are enamored with her back bumper. Says Brittney “The girls can’t keep their hands off my booty either.”

Booty collage

These photos demonstrate the growing popularity of what is quickly becoming known as the BBB – Brittney’s Beautiful Booty.

Despite the news, the aspiring model remains optimistic of her future. Says Brittney, “It’s really exciting to think that my best years may be behind me.”

As a professional salsa dancer, Brittney’s booty has been admired throughout the Southwest as well as parts of Africa. And many have compared Brittney’s hind quarters to that of another popular Latina starlet: Jennifer Lopez. “Some critics have told me that my butt isn’t as sexy as J-Lo’s, but I don’t let it bother me” says Brittney. “Besides, mama always taught me to turn the other cheek.”

Health survey reveals one out of seven dwarfs is not Happy

Orlando, FL – A new report released by the New England Journal of Mental Health reveals a rising incidence of depression among dwarfs. While it is estimated that approximately 10% of Americans in general suffer from sort of depressive disorder at a given time, the rate of depression among dwarfs is nearly 5% higher.

Seven-Dwarfs-478x256Psychologists are short on explanations.

“We are really at a loss to understand this,” said Daryle Rico, Ph D. in charge of the study. “Clearly, dwarfs need to be studied at greater length.”

Although known for their outwardly pleasant dispositions, the study showed that dwarfs actually rate higher than average for the following symptoms of depression:

  • sleeplessness
  • feeling tired and run-down
  • weight gain
  • high levels of stress and anxiety
  • restlessness, fatigue and lack of motivation
Fifteen percent of those studied reported being irritable or grumpy.

Fifteen percent of dwarfs studied admitted being Grumpy.

The report on dwarf depression came as no big surprise at Walt Disney World. “I knew all that “heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s off to work we go'” was just a load of crap, said Snow White, an employee at the park. “No one can be in that good a mood.”

Psychologists admit that the study group was not a large one. “We’re only talking about seven dwarfs,” said Rico. That’s a pretty small group.”

Rico indicated that further study is needed to better understand dwarf depression. “Dwarfs have been overlooked far too long,” said Rico.

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