Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “April, 2012”

Champion salsa dancer renews commitment to becoming a Chippendale’s dancer

Tualatin, OR – No sooner was Israel Guerrero crowned champion of a recent dance competition than he was packing his bags for Las Vegas and renewing his goal of becoming a Chippendale’s dancer.

“What can I say,” admitted Guerrero, “I like the leather pants.”

Guerrero and his dance partner/instructor Dahiana Oliver were recent winners of the 2012 Student Teacher Salsa Contest, which was held at Portland’s exotic Conga Club.

“I’ve never seen Israel dance better in his life.” boasted Oliver of her partner. “If he keeps this up, I’ll have to stop calling him el hombre con dos pies izquierdos.” As for Israel’s chances of becoming a Chippendale’s Dancer? “I hope he’s keeping his day job,” said Oliver.

For Guerrero, joining the Chippendale’s dance troupe is a lifelong dream. “I love dancing under hot lights and hearing women scream my name,” said Guerrero.  “Dancing is in my blood.”

His longtime girlfriend, Linda Maldonado added, “If there is anything in his blood, I hope there is an antidote for it, because I sure don’t want to catch it.”

Guererro hopes his next job in Vegas will be as a Chippendale’s dancer and not as a parking lot attendant.

“I really like the Chippendale’s dance outfits, too,” says Guerrero. “They are really quite sexy.” Maldonado confirms her boyfriend’s affinity for sexy attire. “He has more satin and silk in his closet than I have in my panty drawer,” says Maldonado.

Guerrero claims to have been training for years to be a Chippendale’s dancer. “I have only been dancing for a couple of weeks,” he said, “but I have been shaving my chest for about 15 years.”

“You do not want to see our bathroom sink,” added Maldonado.

Guererro and Oliver proudly display the king sized pesos they earned in the recent Student Teacher Salsa Contest.

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Tragic driving accident claims Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, too

Hundred Acre Wood, UK – A single car accident has claimed the lives of beloved children’s character Winnie the Pooh and his sidekick Tigger. The driver of the vehicle, whose name is being withheld because of his age, was uninjured.

An eye-witness photo shows a dozing motorist moments before the crash that claimed the lives of Winnie the Pooh and his sidekick Tigger

While the exact cause of the accident remains under investigation, authorities speculate it was the result of driver fatigue. Several eye witnesses report seeing the vehicle’s driver slumped over the steering wheel moments before the crash. “The poor little bugger was out like a light,” claimed one witness. A second witness, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed the driver had been drinking. Authorities would neither deny nor confirm that a bottle of baby formula was retrieved at the crash site.

Funeral home directors were at a loss to explain how Tigger's head ended up at a local sports bar instead of the scheduled memorial service.

Funeral home directors were at a loss to explain how Tigger’s head ended up at a local sports bar instead of the scheduled memorial service.

The accident has reignited public demand for tighter safety stndards for passenger vehicles and a call to prohibit toddlers from driving after 6 PM. “This is such a waste,” said Linda Ho, a life-long Pooh fan. “That kid should have been in his crib, not behind the wheel of a car.”

Though Pooh and Tigger are among the Wood’s most popular residents, reaction to their sudden demise was somewhat mixed. “Oh well,” said Eyeore.

Compounding the tragedy, funeral arrangements for Tigger were cancelled when it was reported that his body had been taxidermied and was on display at a local sports bar.

Routine dental visit leaves local girl with new set of implants

Truong receives welcomed support as she learns to stand upright.

Truong receives welcomed support as she learns to stand upright.

Estacada, OR – When Khiem Truong emerged from her dentist’s office last November, she half expected her cheek to be swollen, but instead found most of the puffiness to be in her chest. Truong’s visit left the young Vietnamese girl with a new set of implants. “We’re not talking the dental variety either,” boasts Khiem.

Although it took the young woman a several weeks to learn to stand upright, Troung is enjoying her new look. “I’m huge,” she says proudly.

To say the procedure caught Truong by surprise would be an understatement. “At first, I thought it was just an allergic reaction to the anesthesia,” says Truong. “But after a couple of days I realized they were here to stay.”

Truong, who has always loved children, expresses joy at finally having twins of her own.

Truong, who has always loved children, expresses joy at finally having twins of her own.

Truong originally scheduled her appointment complaining of an impacted tooth. Her dentist, Dr. Daryle Rico, blames the incident on his patient’s broken English. “If Khiem were any fresher off the boat, she’d be painting toenails instead of changing bed pans,” claims Rico.

Truong admits that at first she was less than pleased with the augmentation. “It cost me a fortune to have to buy all new tops,” she claimed, “but I’m saving a bundle on alcohol. In fact, I haven’t had to buy my own drinks in over a month.”

Friends and co-workers were quick to notice the new Troung. Says her long time girlfriend Tan Dlr, “Khiem’s new bod gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, ‘I’m craving some Vietnamese.”

Surprisingly, since her operation, none of Truong’s male friends seem able to recall the color of her eyes.

Truong says her new look does have its drawbacks. “Well, the elevator feels a bit more crowded than it used to, and I can’t even remember what my belly button ring looks like.”

Not surprisingly, Truong is a bit nervous about her next dental appointment. “It’s just a routine cleaning,” she says, “but who knows, I could go home with a unibrow.”

Old geezer refuses to accept advancing age; latest Abercrombie & Fitch ensemble fools no one

Portland, OR – Some people doubt that man has actually set foot on the moon. Others refuse to believe the Kennedy Assassination was the work of one person. Then there is Daryle Rico, who refuses to accept the fact that he is getting old.

“He’s really quite pathetic to watch,” laments Tanya Cox. “The poor bastard shaves his gray hair every morning and hides his Depends diapers under the bathroom sink, ” she claims. “I rue the day when I actually have to start changing them for him.”

No one is exactly sure just how old Rico is. Estimates vary from 62 to as high as 70, and speculation mounts that he may soon be reaching triple digits.  “I’m pretty sure he carries a AARP card,” says close friend Leticia Parga. “The cheapskate uses it to receive his senior discount when he takes me to Denny’s.”

“I asked him how old he was one time,” claims Tram Watson. “He said he’d tell me his age if I told him my weight. So obviously his age remains a secret.”

“He’s the only person I know who actually fought in the Civil War,” says Judy Tan. “Oh wait, maybe it was the Gulf War. Crap, what do I know about American history – I’m Chinese.”

Rico has spared no effort or expense to keep his age a secret. His wardrobe is almost entirely Abercrombie & Fitch and he is known to hang out with Latina and Asian girls easily half his age. “The old fool actually believes he is ‘blending in’,” says Linda Maldonado. “Dancing with him is like dancing with my uncle, except my uncle has the decency to keep his hands off my butt.”

Rico, who is no spring chicken, continues to dress like one.

Rico, who is desperate to expand his social circle before heading off to the old folks home, has recently resorted to seeking new friends on Facebook, a popular social networking site. “He’s hit on most all my friends,” claims Khiem Truong. “Lucky for them, most of them are Vietnamese and can’t understand a word he is saying.”

Rico’s male friends have mixed feelings. “I applaud him for still trying to run with the big dogs,” says Todd Er. “But at his age, most dogs are usually put down.”

Friends express concern over Rico’s mid-life crisis. “I wish he’d just accept the fact that he’s no longer a spring chicken,” says Cox. “He smells like some kind of domestic fowl, but it’s probably just his diaper that needs changing.”

Salem residents report “raining Mexicans”

Salem, OR – The Department of Immigration, US Weather Bureau and National Guard were all on alert Easter Sunday as reports of “raining Mexicans” jammed government switchboards at the state capitol.

“I just looked up in the sky and, holy cow, there must have been a dozen of ’em,” exclaimed Salem resident John Peterson. “I knew it was Easter Sunday, but you would have thought it was Cinco de Mayo!”

Climatologists from the US Weather Bureau had no explanation for the strange phenomenon. “We’re not exactly sure what it was,” admitted Weather Bureau spokesman Daryle Rico. “But if they were really Mexicans, it must have had something to do with El Niño.”

A rare eye witness photo captures Mexicans raining over the state capitol Easter morning.

Those who witnessed the event were at a loss to explain what they had seen. “They were larger than hailstones, that’s for sure,” declared Jack Cahill. “I was praying they wouldn’t hit my car. I’m pretty sure my insurance doesn’t cover that kind of thing.

Immigration authorities are investigating the incident. “With tightened border security, it’s been harder for illegals to make it into the country,” explained INS spokesman Ralph Edwards. “I’ve heard of swimming and tunneling across the border, but this is the first report we’ve had of illegals falling out of the sky.”

In some areas of the capitol city, there was an approximate 5 foot accumulation of Mexicans on the ground.

Eye witness reports stated that all the Mexicans were dressed in blue. According to National Guard Colonel James “Buck” Wilson, “It’s not any kind of uniform that we know about. If it is, it’s the worst camouflage I’ve ever seen. I mean, good grief, we could spot those bastards from two miles away.”

Local meteorologists claim there are no more Mexicans are in the immediate forecast. “We should have clear skies for the next ten days or so,” predicted Rico. “In fact, it should be perfect weather for sky diving.”

Tri-Met drivers mobilize to toss hot head to the curb

Many drivers of Tri-Met route 43 have willingly chosen to drive the midnight run, just to avoid rider Antoinette Awuakye.

Portland, OR – When Antoinette Awuakye tries to renew her TriMet bus pass this May she may find a major roadblock in her way. TriMet drivers, members of Transit Union Local 757, have mobilized to keep the cantankerous commuter off the bus. The daily straphanger has earned a reputation among TriMet drivers of line 43 as being a bit of a hot-head, particularly when the bus is running behind schedule.

“One morning, I was two minutes late picking her up and had to listen to her bitch about it all the way into town,” lamented driver Milo Lane. “That was over 7 miles.”

It’s not just the morning drivers who are upset about Awuakye’s daily tirades – the afternoon drivers are up in arms, too.  “I’d rather run a gauntlet of potholes than listen to her bitch all the way home,” stated driver Eileen Left.

Union representatives say the constant griping presents a safety risk to other passengers. “A driver cannot perform at their best when someone is constantly in their ear,” said union rep Bill Glass. “Besides, there are lots of reasons why a bus can fall behind schedule – such as if the driver’s spouse packs an extra sandwich in their lunch bag or they accidentally doze off at a stoplight.”

Awuakye speaks longingly of her native Ghana, where she was often forced to share her morning commute with baboons.

Some of Awuakye’s fellow passengers are also quick to defend the drivers.

“That woman has a mouth, alright,” said fellow passenger, Richard Smith. “I’m tempted to spring 200 bucks for an iPhone, just so I can wear some earplugs on the way home.”

Still, other riders understand Awuakye’s anger. “It has to be frustrating to have to wait an extra 5 minutes for the bus,” said Chris Logan. “Especially when you are packing five gallons of breast milk.”

Awuakye claims the Tri-Met system compares poorly with that of her native Ghana, even though the latter runs entirely on dirt roads.

Awuakye, whose last name translates to “woman without patience,” makes no apologies for her twice-daily ranting and raving. “Why post a schedule if you aren’t going to keep it?” she asks. “In my native Ghana, the public transit system is always on time – and it runs entirely on dirt roads.”

TriMet officials have not yet decided whether they will allow Awuakaye to renew her monthly pass or not. “We’re over $1 million in the hole right now,” says Mary Fetch, Director of Public Affairs. “So we can definitely use every cent we can get.”

Mexican hottie advances goal of exposing belly button on all seven continents

Paris, France edges out Vatican City as Linda proudly adds Europe to her growing list of continents.

Paris, France edges out Vatican City as Linda proudly adds Europe to her growing list of continents.

Tualatin, OR – When Linda Maldonado pirouetted before the Eiffel Tower last February, she moved one step closer to realizing her life-long goal of exposing her belly button on every continent on Earth. “Three down, four to go,” proclaimed the sexy señorita as she re-buttoned her blouse.

A native of Mexico, Linda claims to have bared her navel in South America, North America and, now, in Europe. “I was really undecided about where in Europe I wanted to expose myself first. I was torn between the Vatican and the Eiffel Tower, but I eventually chose France because the shopping is better. I mean, how many rosary beads does a girl need?”

“I’m definitely an innie,” says Linda, answering a question she’s been asked at least a thousand times.

Linda has had her dream since she was a little girl. “I always wanted to do something that had never been done before. My original goal was to be the first female leader of a Latin America country, but Eva Peron beat me to it. Besides, I decided it would just be easier to take my clothes off.”

Linda’s boyfriend, Israel Guerrero, has mixed feelings about her goal. “I’m glad she has ambitions,” he admitted. “I just wish her goal was to have dinner on the table by 6 o’clock.”

“I’m not sure how this photo ended up here,” says Linda. “I usually dress much more modestly when I’m sober.”

Linda says her next continent will probably be Asia. “I’m thinking of maybe China,” says Linda. “So far, the closest I’ve come to revealing myself any place Asian is when I got my skirt caught in the door of the women’s restroom at P.F. Chang’s.”

Linda realizes her biggest challenges still lay ahead of her. “I’m definitely not looking forward to Antarctica,” confessed Linda. “I’ll probably go in August when the temperature warms up to -10 degrees.”

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