Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the month “October, 2012”

Local girl finishes distant third in national footsie contest

Minneapolis, MN – Calling it the biggest personal defeat in her life, local resident Ngan Hoang finished in third place in the 10th Annual Prettiest Feet contest sponsored by OPI Nail Polish. The contest was open to nail technicians throughout the country. Ngan, who is herself a professional nail technician, was stunned by the result.

First place went to Ana Yen of the Happy Ending Nail Salon for her gnarly entry entitled “Fungus Amongus”.

“I cannot believe I finished out of the money,” sobbed Ngan. “I thought I had it nailed!”

Second place went to Thanh Dang of Happy Sunny Smile Nails, whom judges praised for going the extra inch.

This year’s contest featured a Halloween theme, with top prize going to the scariest or most unusual nails – a fact that seemed lost on Ngan. Ngan’s toenail design featured a smiling puppy on her big toe with dog prints on her smaller nails, which judges said was simply too cute to be a winner of this year’s contest.

“I don’t know why I didn’t win,” griped Ngan “a lot of people are very scared of dogs. So much for trying to put my best foot forward.”

According to the judges, Ngan’s third place entry entitled “Doing It Doggy Style” was all bark and no bite.

According to Ngan, worse than finishing third is the humiliation of having to face her disappointed co-workers back at the nail salon. “Everyone was pulling for me to win this year,” said Ngan. “Even that bitchy girl at station #4. Boy, let me tell you where I’d really like to put my foot!”

2-year old charged with stealing satellite tv signals

Madden Ho, pictured here with his accomplice, was charged with pirating satellite tv signals.

Gresham, OR – Officials from the Federal Communication Commission raided a Southeast Portland home today amid reports that it was the headquarters of a giant satellite tv piracy ring. Charged in the raid was 2-year old Madden Ho, who authorities believe was the mastermind of the operation.

According to an FCC spokesperson, the investigation leading up to the arrest was one of the largest of its kind.

“We’ve been tracking all sorts of satellite tv signals arriving at this address for some time now,” said Daryle Rico. “Most of the show are Vietnamese rip-off of popular American shows including “Dancing With The Stars“. According to Rico, the toddler racked up nearly $50,000 in services in just over six weeks from DirecTV, Dish Network and other providers.

“That’s a lot of Big Bird” going to just one house,” said Rico.

Madden’s mother, Kieu Ho, said the theft of services was simply an accident and a result of a visit to the vet. “Ever since we brought Kobi home from the vet wearing a Cone of Shame, we’ve had more premium channels than we know what to do with,” said Kieu. “We didn’t realize our good fortune until we noticed Madden glued to the Cong Thanh Show.

According to Kieu Ho, her son’s favorite tv show was Gà nướng sả, otherwise known as Big Bird with Lemon Grass.

Madden was taken to Clackamas County Jail where he was booked and released, pending a change of diaper.

Kobi, the family beagle was not charged.

Blogger’s 10 day absence missed by absolutely no one.

Rico claims his blog has never been about receiving praise or attention. (He is clearly lying.)

Portland, OR – Amateur blogger Daryle Rico escaped serious injury today when he was toppled from his high horse. Rico, who escaped with only a bruised ego, claims the fall came about when he realized that his 10-day hiatus from his blog was noticed by absolutely no one.

“It was a real slap in the face,” said Rico. “I put a lot of time and effort into pissing people off, and this is the thanks I get?

Rico, who has no marketable skills to speak of, is known for poking fun at his Facebook friends in his personal blog “Rico’s Ramblings.” To date, Rico claims he has irked, agitated and flat out humiliated no fewer than 40 of his closest friends and associates in his blog, many of them more than once.

Sergio Villalobos, who is a frequent target of Rico’s online barbs, claims to be fed up with the self-proclaimed journalist. “I don’t know what I ever did to be on the receiving end of so much hate,” claims Sergio. “I will admit that flirting with all his lady friends was a bit unwise, and hitting on his married niece is not something I am proud of, but really – he needs to step away from the computer!”

Even Judy Tan, one of Rico’s closest friends, has had her fill of Rico’s incessant online attacks. “I can never tell if he is being serious or not,” says Tan. “One minute he’s professing his love to me, the next he’s comparing me to Dora the Explorer.”

Richard Smith, one of Rico’s latest victims says he hasn’t missed Rico’s blog one bit. “I have to listen to the bald little bastard on the bus everyday,” said Smith. “So the last thing I need when I get home is a second helping of his so called ‘wit'”.

Rico claims that his blogging days are far from over, despite the fact that no one is actually reading it. “For me, writing is therapeutic,” says Rico. “And nothing makes me feel better than thinking about the pained expression upon the face of the person I am writing about.”

Child’s fascination with stick horses no longer considered cute

Smith, shown here at a local golf course, gallops to the next hole.

Portland, OR – There isn’t a single American boy who hasn’t fancied himself a cowboy at one time or another, and pranced around his backyard on an imaginary stick horse. And for most boys, it’s a fantasy left behind by age 5 or 6.

But Richard Smith, who is fast approaching his 40’s, has had a harder time growing up. Smith – who prefers the alias Robert Jones – has been riding stick horses for as long as he can remember.

“Mops, brooms, feather dusters, garden tools – you name it,” confesses Richard. “I’ve ridden them all.”

According to his co-workers, Smith has no qualms about riding his imaginary horses around the office either. “Not a day goes by that you don’t see him prancing up and down the hall on a cardboard mailing tube,” claims Antoinette Awuakye. “The UPS driver can’t keep ’em in stock!”

Smith says he has been riding stick horses most all his life.

Smith’s current pony of preference is his Ping G20 driver. “I can’t hit a golf ball worth a crap with it,” says Smith, “but once I slip that baby between my legs, I can outrun any golf cart on the course!”

Psychologist Daryle Rico says Smith’s fascination for stick horses is not uncommon in men. “It stems from the need to feel something long between their legs,” explains Rico. “Personally, I can’t imagine anything so horrible.”

While experts say the ability to pretend is in early child development, it is probably time for Smith to put his cowboy days behind him. “I swear to God, if he lassos me one more time I’m going to break his neck,” says Awuakye.

Scientists scramble to find cure for incredible shrinking woman

Linda Maldonado is quite happy with her smaller stature. “I’ve always wanted to fit into a size 5,” she says.

Las Vegas, NV – It was a story out of a B-movie. Linda Maldonado had no sooner stepped out of her taxi and onto the Las Vegas Strip when she felt something was a little odd. “All the hotels looked so much taller than before,” she said. But it wasn’t that the buildings had grown taller; Maldonado was in fact shrinking!

Maldonado’s bizarre adventure began late last month when she visited Sin City to celebrate her boyfriend Israel Guerrero’s birthday. “Everyone else leaves Las Vegas with a tall tale to share,” said a dejected Guerrero. “But for me it was just the opposite.”

Linda, who now finds her luxury condo too large for her, has her heart set on a house in the country.

In a matter of days, the young Latina, who once stood just over 5′ tall, had shrunk to an incredible 11-inches in height.  Maldonado claims she didn’t reach her diminutive stature all at once. “It happened little by little,” she explained, oblivious to her own pun.

While everyone loses a few centimeters in height as they grow older, doctors at nearby Sunset Medical Center were baffled as to why Maldonado was shrinking at such an exponential rate.  “We had never seen anything like it,” said hospital spokesman Daryle Rico.  “It was really big news – well, you know what I mean.”

It was only Guerrero’s quick thinking that prevented their Las Vegas vacation from becoming a complete disaster. “After I shrank out of clothes, Israel was able to find me a few Barbie doll outfits at Toys R Us,” said Maldonado. “Say what you will about her, but that blonde little bitch knows how to dress!”

As with her previous gambling trips, Maldonado says she will be leaving Las Vegas shorter than when she arrived. And her future remains uncertain.  “We’ll probably have to find a new place to live,” she says.

“Oh, that’s just great,” grumbled Guerrero. “I’ll be going from a penthouse to a dollhouse in less than a week.”

Chinese girl blows birthday wish on Sum Yung Gai

For birthday girl Judy Tan, a new boyfriend would be icing on the cake.

Portland, OR – As little Judy Tan’s birthday cake emerged from the kitchen, an impromptu chorus of “Happy Birthday” rang forth from her friends gathered for her party. As Judy stood before her cake, she bowed her head and closed her eyes, her tiny hands folded in prayer. A moment later, she opened her eyes and blew out the lone candle, its smoke carrying her wish to the heavens.

While Tan would neither confirm nor deny it, most of those in attendance assumed she was praying for a boyfriend.

“She’s not getting any younger,” said long time friend Tara Humphrey. “Biologically speaking, I give her another 2-3 years before gravity settles in. Once her ass goes, she’s doomed.”

As Tan officially enters her 30’s – widely considered spinsterhood in her native Chinese culture – she is finding the pickings for a male suitor fewer and slimmer.

“I really can’t afford to be choosy too much longer,” Tan admitted. “My mom was hoping I’d meet a nice Chinese boy, but now I think she’d settle for any guy with a pulse.”

It’s not that guys haven’t been lining up around the block to court her. “I’ve been after Judy for 25 years,” claimed Daryle Rico. “That’s actually kind of sick when you do the math.”

Tan claims she is not ready to throw in the towel just yet. “I have a few options to fall back on,” she says. “There’s always Match dot com. Or, if worse comes to worse, I can always become a mail order bride. I only weigh 90 pounds, so I shouldn’t cost that much to ship.”

Geneticists discover Crinkled Nose gene

Research shows the Crinkled Nose gene to be most prevalent among Hispanics.

Baja, Mexico – In what is being hailed as the biggest genetic discovery since the double helix, researchers announced today they had discovered the Crinkled Nose gene. “It was just sitting there on the #9 chromosome,” said geneticist Daryle Rico. “It was as though it was expressing its distaste for us the entire time.”

According to researchers, the Crinkled Nose gene is the one that enables some people to scrunch their noses while others can barely muster a sneer.

“It’s right up there with being able to curl one’s tongue,” said Rico. “Some people can, some people can’t. And just to be clear,” added Rico, “I’m talking about crinkling your nose, not just wrinkling it.”

Geneticists say that wrinkling one’s nose is often mistaken for crinkling, but actually requires little or no talent whatsoever.

Geneticists estimate that the Crinkled Nose gene is dominant in only about .02 percent of the world’s population, and appears to be particularly prevalent among Hispanics.

While noticeably proud of their research, the scientists later acknowledged that their discovery had absolutely no medical value whatsoever.

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