Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the tag “gambling”

Dad teaches son poker; promptly loses his shirt

Jordan with cards

Little Jordan shows off his new playing cards.

Portland, OR – When Jerold Rico sat down to teach his five-year old son Jordan how to play poker, he thought he had an obstructed path to the boy’s piggy bank. Little did he know that he’d be the one learning a thing or two about the game.

“His uncle Daryle gave him a new deck of playing cards,” explained Jerold, “so I thought I’d teach him a man’s game.” Unbeknownst to dear old dad, however, Jordan had been shuffling cards and playing poker since he was 2 years old.

Ante Up

Jordan waits patiently for his daddy to ante up after winning yet another hand.

Not long after he was filling his diaper, Jordan was filling inside straights and doubling down – skills he mastered while watching poker tournaments on ESPN.  “Jordan is glued to the World Poker Tour,” said his mother, Ellen. “Most kids his age would be watching SpongeBob Squarepants, but he’s got his sights set on winning  a World Series of Poker bracelet.”

“I kinda thought he was picking things up pretty fast,” said his dad, looking back on the night’s events. “I should have been suspicious when he backdoored his way into a full house on the first hand.” The elder Rico estimates he lost about fifty bucks during the night as well as a few items of jewelry.

According to Jordan’s mother, her husband became so desperate to win, that at one point she caught him dealing from the bottom of the deck. “I feel kind of bad for cheating my own son,” confessed Jerold,  “but I was just sick and tired of the way he kept playing with my new wristwatch.”

Proud as she is of her son’s poker proficiency, Jordan’s mom worries that his gambling is getting out of control. “He has been sent home twice already for looking for action at the local daycare,” she said.

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Shameless bastard stalks retirement home for dull-witted Uno opponents

Portland, OR – When Daryle Rico pays his monthly visit to the Knockin’ At Heaven’s Door retirement community this week, it won’t be to spread tidings of joy. Instead, more than likely, he’ll be packing his Uno deck and looking to take a few bucks from the home’s hapless residents.

Rico yells "Uno!" enroute to another big pay day.

Rico yells “Uno!” en route to another big pay day.

“That son-of-a-bitch shows up every month like clockwork,” said an irate Leslie Peterson, the community’s activity director. “No telling how much money he’s won off our residents, but I’m sure it’s in the thousands of dollars.”

Rico makes no apologies for his visits. “The way I see it, I’m performing a valuable service by providing those poor seniors pleasing company and stimulating conversation.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call ‘ante up, grandma’ stimulating conversation,” countered Peterson.

No senior is safe from Rico, as is evidenced by his special deck of Braille Uno playing cards.

No senior is safe from Rico, as is evidenced by this special deck of Uno playing cards that are printed in Braille.

Rico flatly denies that he is out to rob anyone. “I don’t always play for money,” says Rico. “In fact, just last week I settled for a box of colostomy bags and a set of false teeth.”

The community’s certified nursing staff is appalled by Rico’s behavior. “Some of our residents don’t have the mental acuity to feed themselves, let alone play a competitive game of Uno,” said head nurse Kristi Lemos. And even Rico admits that he’s had some of his biggest pay days in the home’s Alzheimer’s wing.

Rico, who has no relatives living at the retirement community, has been a regular visitor for nearly 5 years. “He’s got his system down pat,” claims Peterson. “For example, he’s always here the day after the social security checks arrive, but is nowhere to be found during Murder She Wrote.”

The community’s management says Rico has long since worn out his welcome. But when asked if  legal action might be taken to ban him from playing Uno on the premises, Peterson could only shake her head. “That’s not in the cards,” she said.

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