New York City, New York – Lifetime Network announced today it plans to produce a new movie based on the life of former furniture model Brittney Alexa Vega. The movie, titled “Brittney, The Early Years,” chronicles Miss Vega’s earliest days as a model in the glitzy world of upholstered furniture.
According to family and friends, Miss Vega began her modeling career right out of the womb when her mother gave birth to her on the showroom floor of a local Lazy Boy Furniture Gallery.
Says Vega, her mother was checking out a new leather recliner when all of a sudden her water broke. “Mom says it felt like a piñata just exploded between her legs,” exclaimed Vega. “The next thing she knew, boom, there I was.”
Although Vega was too young to personally recall any of the details surrounding her first photo shoot, the event was captured in a series of family photos.
“I don’t know what it is,” said Vega, “but every time I see that first photo of me I can’t help but feel a cold breeze on my butt.”
The new Lifetime movie is scheduled for release April 15, just in time for the launch of the new Spring line of Lazy Boy recliners.
MANILA, PHILIPPINES – When Teresita Rapier left her house for the local market on Saturday morning, she thought it would be just another routine grocery trip. Little did she realize, that by day’s end, she would be hailed a hero by her friends and neighbors.
It all began as Rapier stumbled upon a wild water buffalo terrorizing the neighborhood children. Rather than turn tail and flee as she saw everyone else doing, the tiny Filipina chose to take the king-sized beast head-on.
Eye witness accounts of the incident vary greatly, but most onlookers agree that the water buffalo was clearly outmatched.
“I simply jumped on its back and tried to drown it,” said Rapier, describing the incident. “It outweighed me by about a ton, I suppose,” she said, “but I had the element of surprise. And once it realized who was boss, it calmed down completely.”
Although dozens of adults were injured in the water buffalo attack, a number of children were completely unscathed, having reached the relative safety of a nearby coconut grove. “If there’s one thing a Filipino kid knows how to do,” explained Rapier, “it’s how to climb a coconut tree.”
Woodburn, OR – When Giovanni Bazan and Alberto Flores take to the baseball field this Friday night, it won’t be to hit home runs or catch fly balls in the outfield for the Fighting Chihuahuas of Tostada High. Instead, the two amigos will be entertaining the fans as the newest members of the the high school cheerleading squad.
“I wasn’t surprised,” said high school classmate Eloina Cortes. “They have some of the best legs in the senior class.”
Of course, not everyone at the school is thrilled with the latest addition to the cheer squad. “We will be the laughing stock of the Mid-Willamette Conference,” said one athlete who requested anonymity.
Head cheerleader Lorena Jaime, has mixed feelings about her new cheer mates. “They have a lot to learn about shaking their pom-poms,” said Jamie, “but at least we have a good foundation for our pyramid routine.”
“Gio and Alberto are to be congratulated,” said high school principal Daryle Rico. “It takes a lot of courage for a boy to wear a skirt. I just wish they had thought twice about wearing g-strings.”
Bazan and Flores were unavailable for comment, as both were busy picking out their prom dresses.
New York, NY – Researchers at National Geographic have authenticated a photo that purportedly shows a jackass riding a horse. “This is something you just don’t see in the wild every day,” said Daryle Rico, head of research. “The fact that the event was actually captured on film is just incredible!”
The photo at the center of the attention shows a fully grown jackass riding a horse while seated on a saddle.
The photo was reportedly taken several years ago along a Costa Rican riding trail. No explanation was offered as to why the photo surfaced only recently. Researchers would only speculate that it had something to do with the jackass being exceedingly difficult to look at.
Since announcing the photo to be authentic, Costa Rican authorities have claimed there has been a tremendous influx of tourists to the region, all clamoring to see Costa Rica’s most popular jackass.
“Until now, Costa Rica have been known world-wide for their amazing beaches,” said Rico. “But, now I guess they will be just as famous for their ugly asses.”
Palo Alto, CA – Survey Monkey, the nation’s largest independent online survey firm, released a list of the 25 most revolting screen name used by men in online dating sites. The poll, which was conducted on behalf of Match.com, was administered to a field of more than 2,500 female respondents throughout the United States and the Philippines.
The list reveals a disgusting lack of common sense or decency and includes the following online monikers:
The username TickleMeElmo also made the list but was removed for copyright infringement.
“Oh my gosh,” declared online love seeker Kristi Lemos upon seeing the list, “half those names are in my email inbox!”
According to psychologists, men often use sexual innuendo in their screen names as a way of touting their sexual prowess or disguising their physical shortcomings. But online dating experts claim most women are onto this strategy.
According to online dating expert Daryle Rico, “When a guy uses ‘LeadInMyPencil’ as a screen name, odds are pretty good he’s not a mechanical engineer.”
Match.com is the world’s largest online dating service with a reported 17 million subscribers every month.
Yonkers, NY – The world’s first self-powered, self-propelled vacuum cleaner failed to impress during recent consumer testing conducted by Consumer Reports. In a field of 20 robot vacuums, the Mexican made Barrido finished dead last.
Competing units were compared side by side and tested for Functionality, Performance and Features. The Barrido was swept by its competition in all three categories.
Said Daryle Rico, Head of Testing for Consumer Reports, “the Barrido is all suck and no suction.”
According to Consumer Reports, the Barrido was found lacking in several areas.
“The Barrido wanders aimlessly from room to room, and requires a steady diet of small insects to maintain a charge,” said Rico. “And those are its finer points. Plus, most robot vacuums can be programmed to return to their charging station. But the Barrido has to be tracked down and shoved back in its cage.”
Robot vacuums have become all the rage in recent years, with some units costing upwards of $600. In contrast, the Barrido can be found at Petco for less than $40.
El Loco, who is licensed to market the Barrido in the United States, had no response to the report.
Portland, OR – Research scientists at renown Oregon Health and Science University were dealt a setback today when a cloning experiment went terribly awry. “We did not quite have the results we were hoping for,” stated Dr. Neil Carter, who headed the experiment.
According to inside sources, the experiment was funded by Daryle Rico who was seeking to clone his new heart-throb, Kristi Lemos. “She’s a busy girl,” said Rico “and sometimes there is simply not enough of her to go around.”
Researchers claim that the clone is a 90% exact replica of Lemos. “We obviously have a little tweaking to do,” added Carter sheepishly.
While researchers remain confident that they will eventually be able to perfect the cloning process, Rico is actually satisfied with the results thus far. “I’m looking on the bright side,” say Rico. “The lawn has never looked better and I’ve got more wool than I know what to do with.”
Portland, OR – When Daryle Rico pays his monthly visit to the Knockin’ At Heaven’s Door retirement community this week, it won’t be to spread tidings of joy. Instead, more than likely, he’ll be packing his Uno deck and looking to take a few bucks from the home’s hapless residents.
“That son-of-a-bitch shows up every month like clockwork,” said an irate Leslie Peterson, the community’s activity director. “No telling how much money he’s won off our residents, but I’m sure it’s in the thousands of dollars.”
Rico makes no apologies for his visits. “The way I see it, I’m performing a valuable service by providing those poor seniors pleasing company and stimulating conversation.”
“I wouldn’t exactly call ‘ante up, grandma’ stimulating conversation,” countered Peterson.
Rico flatly denies that he is out to rob anyone. “I don’t always play for money,” says Rico. “In fact, just last week I settled for a box of colostomy bags and a set of false teeth.”
The community’s certified nursing staff is appalled by Rico’s behavior. “Some of our residents don’t have the mental acuity to feed themselves, let alone play a competitive game of Uno,” said head nurse Kristi Lemos. And even Rico admits that he’s had some of his biggest pay days in the home’s Alzheimer’s wing.
Rico, who has no relatives living at the retirement community, has been a regular visitor for nearly 5 years. “He’s got his system down pat,” claims Peterson. “For example, he’s always here the day after the social security checks arrive, but is nowhere to be found during Murder She Wrote.”
The community’s management says Rico has long since worn out his welcome. But when asked if legal action might be taken to ban him from playing Uno on the premises, Peterson could only shake her head. “That’s not in the cards,” she said.
Clackamas, OR – If there is one thing that local resident Kristi Lemos has enjoyed over the years it’s her fair share of pet names. The comely salsera claims to go by no fewer than five nicknames at any one time, but in an effort to reduce confusion within her social dancing circle, Lemos decided it might be best to go with just one. “It gets a little crazy with everyone calling you something different,” says Lemos. “Throw in a few Mexican accents and it’s just plain loco.”
Lemos says she has been using pet names most of her life. “I went all through grade school being called Kristi Kreme donut,” says Lemos. Most pet names in the past have been terms of endearment or words to describe her striking pair of physical attributes. “Well, I suppose that’s true,” blushed Lemos, “not a day goes by that I don’t hear about my dimples.”
To make things interesting, Lemos held an online competition for her naming rights, a move which attracted entries from all four corners of Clackamas County. “I can’t tell you all the entries I received,” said Lemos, “after all, the county is a bit red neck.”
More than 500 entries were received, which Lemos quickly narrowed down to three finalists. An online poll determined the winner. “Sugar Pants” garnered 47% of the vote, followed close behind by “CinneBuns“. “Honey Britches” brought up the rear.
Lemos claims she loves her new pet name and is even considering vanity plates for the family car. Says Lemos, “I like SUGAR PANTS a whole lot better than GBT 417.”