Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Archive for the tag “Costa Rican”

Local hottie helps Costa Rican immigrant rebound from life of drunken debauchery

Trissa Gifford claims she has dated Sergio Villalobos only twice: once and for all.

Multnomah Village, OR – When blonde hottie Trissa Gifford finally agreed to meet Costa Rican national Sergio Villalobos for lunch a few weeks ago, she had no idea what a life changing event it would be for the smarmy illegal alien.

“It was no big deal to me,” admitted Gifford. “I’ve had lunch with less attractive men – not that any come to mind,” she quickly added. But for Villalobos, their impromptu date was nothing short of a life preserver, rescuing him from a future of drunken laziness.

Although their date lasted only 17 minutes, Villalobos claims he now spends all day thinking of his new sweetheart.

“She brings out the best in me,” gushed a smitten Villalobos.  “Having Trissa in my life makes me want to be a better person.”

“That’s not saying much,” claimed Daryle Rico, a longtime acquaintance of both parties. “Knowing Sergio as I do, any change in his character was bound to be an improvement.”

Before meeting Gifford, Villalobos was known to frequent local salsa clubs till the wee hours of the morning.

Once the town drunk, Villalobos now claims that alcohol never touches his lips.

Villalobos claims his life has been completely transformed since meeting Trissa. “I’m no longer drinking wine all day and dancing till the wee hours of the morning” he says.

“I noticed that his car is parked in front of his house more often these days,” says his neighbor Angie Dav. “But I just assumed it was because he was under house arrest.”

Villalobos says he is now a whole new person and has been working hard to improve his English. “Until I met Trissa, the only English I could read was a Happy Hour menu,” bragged Villalobos. “Now I am reading the classics: Black Beauty and Nancy Drew.”

Villalobos acknowledges that he is at least 40 year older than his new sweetheart, but not embarrassed by the status of their Spring-Winter relationship. “Trissa calls me her Prince Charming,” beamed Villalobos.

Once a popular street musician, Villalobos now claims to have his own company.

“Something was obviously lost in translation,” claims Gifford, rolling her pretty blue eyes. “What I actually said was ‘a girl has kiss a few toads before meeting her handsome prince.'”

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Bitter Costa Rican sues Mens’ Hair Club

Seattle, WA – When Sergio Villalobos forked over his life savings to join the Men’s Hair Club, he thought he was well on his way to restoring his prepubescent hairline. Little did he realize just how much his vanity would end up costing him.

Villalobos reacts with surprise to the result of his latest round of hair implants.

Six weeks and $27 later, Villalobos claims the organization has ruined his appearance.”Good god, I look like some kind of ape!” exclaimed an angry Villalobos.

Villalobos joined the hair club hoping to remedy a few thinning areas of his rapidly balding scalp. “They told me I would look like a new person when they were through with me,” claims Villalobos. “Boy, they sure got that right.”

Hair Club representatives were quick to shift blame, claiming that the less than satisfactory results were due to their client’s poor diet and excessive drinking habits.

Although Villalobos is dissatisfied with his new appearance, friends and associates are quick to note the vast improvement.

Although Villalobos is dissatisfied with his new appearance, friends and associates are quick to note the vast improvement.

“Mr. Villalobos clearly does not take good care of himself,” said Hair Club spokesperson Daryle Rico. “The excess of beans and rice in his diet has produced a starch build-up in his scalp that is preventing the formation of new hair growth. Plus, everyone knows the guy puts away more beer than a Budweiser delivery driver.”

Villalobos has rejected the explanation and has retained the services of local law firm Cheatham & Howe to sue for damages.

“We are suing for the loss of Mr. Villalobos’ modeling career,” said Dewey Cheatham, his attorney. “We estimate the damages to be in the $3 range.”

Costa Rican arrested for public indecency

Drunken Costa RicanBellevue, WA – Sergio Villalobos, a local Costa Rican national, was forced to surrender his passport today for allegedly defiling the national hat of Mexico while vacationing in the coastal city of Mazatlan in March of 2011. The incident came to light after photos of Villalobos were posted on Facebook, a popular social media website. The photos show a drunken, pasty white Costa Rican reclining on the beach with one sombrero covering his head and a second sombrero covering his private parts. According to several tourists who were unfortunate witnesses to the event, the sight was nothing short of disgusting.”You just don’t expect that sort of thing on a public beach,” stated Rosita Nikolaeva. “Urination or a dead whale maybe, but never nudity.” Other passers-by were equally horrified.

“I was just fending off some Mexican kids trying to sell me Chicklets,” said Daryle Rico, “when all of a sudden I spotted some drunk trying to catch a few rays. I instantly puked up my taco,” added Rico. “That was twelve pesos shot to hell.”

A third witness, identified as Monica Quintero-Devlaminck, was equally appalled. “The second sombrero was clearly ten sizes too large for him,” insisted Monica. “But it is not uncommon for Costa Rican men to attempt to boast of themselves in such a manner.”

Mexican beach patrol workers quickly whisked the drunken Villalobos off the beach and escorted him to a nearby detox facility. At last report, Villalobos was being held without bail and being charged with public intoxication, indecency and false advertising.

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