Rico's Ramblings

My answer to the question: what do you do all day?

Latina’s cooking skills fail to impress; destined to remain a spinster

Eloina calls her signature dish “La Boca de Fuego” (Mouth of Fire).

Keizer, OR – Ever since she was a little girl, Eloina Cortes has known that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. So as Kaizer’s most eligible bachelorette approaches middle age, she is giving thought to improving her cooking skills.

“I’m fairly good at making flour tortillas and I’ve no problem heating up a can of refried beans,” claimed the young Latina, “but I’m not exactly what you’d call a gourmet cook.”

File that one under “Understatement of the Year.”

According to her sisters, Eloina’s cooking skills are a family joke. “The only time Eloina turns on the oven is to heat her apartment,” says her sister Martha. “And she’s the only person I know who can mess up a bowl of Cheerios.”

Eloina credits her community classes for teaching her how to turn mundane recipes into a gourmet feasts.

Her sister Maria is quick to agree. “Eloina’s idea of a gourmet dessert is a Hostess Pop-Tart.”

Family criticism aside, Cortes says she has worked hard to improve her cooking skills, and claims that she is not completely lost in the kitchen.  “My knife skills are pretty good,” she says, “but that’s only because I grew up on the tough streets of Mexico City.”

Cortes claims she has taken several cooking classes on the community college level, including 365 Days of Rice and Fun With Frijoles. She is also registered to take Top It With Tapatio early in the Fall.  “I’m just trying to stick with what I’m comfortable with,” she says.

For now, armed with her good looks and charming personality, Cortes has no trouble attracting male attention. But she realizes she will not be a spring pollo forever. “If I don’t catch a man before I’m thirty I may have to move to a convent. Or – dios no lo quiera – I may have to live with Martha.”

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One thought on “Latina’s cooking skills fail to impress; destined to remain a spinster

  1. LOL She needs to stop by my house. My cooking gives people orgasms. Actually, I am going to use that as my Becca-ism for today. Thanks for the inspiration 😀

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