Class action paternity suit rocks Nintendo
Tokyo, Japan – The Nintendo Corporation was rocked today when it was hit by a class action paternity suit. The suit names the company’s iconic mascot, Mario, as the biological father of more than 60 children.
The suit alleges that Mario, known the world over for his jumping and stomping powers, is apparently equally vigorous between the sheets, and sired no fewer than 17 children between 1985 and 1990.
Representatives for the plaintiffs in the case claim the suit was filed to establish moral responsibility for the children, not financial gain. “These children have a right to know who their father is,” said attorney spokesman Daryle Rico. “Being a fictional character does not give anyone the right to be a whoremonger.”
“I grew up wondering who my real dad was,” sobbed Mackenzie Winkle, one of the plaintiffs. “I could always run faster and jump higher than the other kids, but never knew where my athletic ability came from.”
For others, the consequences of being a Mario love child have been even greater. “My life has been ruined,” claimed Jane Nguyen. “No guy wants to date a girl with a freaking mustache!”
Nintendo officials expressed disappointment, announcing in a press release, “Apparently the only obstacle Mario can’t overcome is his own horniness.” Mario, who thus far has refused to take a blood test, was not available for comment.
Until now, Nintendo games have always presented Mario as a silent hero and active in racing and sporting activities. But the company’s software engineers say that future games may be introduced that better match his new image. “Princess Peach and the Beef Bayonet” and “Donkey Dong” are two new games reportedly in production.
News of the law suit was felt in the financial markets as well, with Nintendo stock falling $17 per share on the Nikkei Index.