Raunchy squirrels receive lifetime ban from Oregon Zoo
Portland, OR – Citing a “pattern of inappropriate behavior,” Oregon Zoo officials removed a family of squirrels from its roster today, banning them for life from the popular tourist attraction. The action was in response to growing complaints from zoo guests that the squirrels were intentionally making obscene poses for the camera.
“You almost expect this type of behavior from a chimpanzee,” said Maria Downes, a mother of two, “but not a squirrel.”
Several zoo guests zoo had reported the squirrels engaging in all sorts of risque behavior, upping the ante whenever small visitors were present. “It’s a sad day when you can’t take your 4 year old child past the squirrel cage,” said Nancy Mouret.
Zoo officials were eager to allay parental concerns and downplay recent events. According to Zoo Director Daryle Rico, “For the record, a gang bang has no place at Oregon Zoo.”
Regular zoo visitors claim the squirrels’ inappropriate antics have escalated in recent weeks. What allegedly began as a few innocent kisses between squirrels eventually evolved into group sex acts, many of which were caught on home movies. “I haven’t seen stuff this nasty on porn sites,” claimed Todd Er. “And trust me, I’ve seen a lot of porn.”
“Oregon Zoo apologizes for any embarrassment we may have caused parents or their children.” said Rico. “Clearly, a zoo is no place to be exposing little ones to the birds and the bees.”