PTA meeting turns into drunk fest; elementary teacher placed on probation
Salem, OR – It started out like any other Parent-Teacher Association meeting for Oregon School District 24J, with a regular reading of the minutes and an announcement of the 3rd Grade Bake Sale. But things quickly went from routine to raunchy once the beer came out. Things reportedly got so out of hand that police officers from both Salem and Keizer were called to the scene to quiet the mob.
“It was an ugly sight,” said arresting officer Daryle Rico, “and I’m just referring to the faculty members.”
The trouble apparently began when Barlee Shackwell, a teacher at Lee Elementary, decided it would be a good idea to celebrate Furlough Day by tapping a keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. “We’re a very sophisticated group of teachers,” claimed Shackwell, shortly before puking into the back seat of a patrol car. “Only the best for us.”
The drunk fest quickly moved from the gymnasium to school grounds, where an additional 4 pony kegs joined the scene. The additional kegs, which all contained Dos Equis, were reportedly supplied by the district’s ESL staff. “I don’t always drink beer,” said Eloina Cortes, “but when I do, I drink as much as possible.”
Horrified parents and other on-lookers described a scene out of Dante’s Inferno. “I’ve never seen so much bare naked flesh in my life,” said Hector Sanchez. “And I butcher pigs for a living!” Sanchez, who has no fewer than 12 children enrolled in Salem-Keizer schools says he plans to take his brood elsewhere. “I didn’t enter this country illegally just to have my children corrupted,” stated Sanchez.
Most of the offending teachers were sent home to sober up, and there was only one arrest. Shackwell was singled out for arrest for having started the party and for alledgedly mooning a passing school bus. She reportedly told officers that she didn’t know what all the fuss was about, claiming it was “just a short bus.”
Shackwell was placed on probation but should be back in time to represent her colleagues at the next union meeting.